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Teemu Selanne of the Anaheim Ducks is the star of a new commercial for Valio Suomi milk, and it’s pretty much the greatest thing to hit Internet since porn.
Please watch the following Spielbergian fable, as a young boy with a hockey dream wakes up to find a 42-year-old man beckoning him for a moonlit liaison on the abandoned streets of his town, on their own personal patches of ice.
Can you imagine, boys and girls, that one evening after we recite our nightly prayers to Teemu (“Oh, Selanne, who art in Anaheim; sniper be thy name”) that he actually materializes?
I mean, we’ve all stood in the bathroom and said “Teemu” 10 times at midnight hoping that might happen. But in this commercial, it actually does!
Let’s review the ad together, shall we?
A young Finnish boy – let’s call him Jarkko because that’s probably his name – loves hockey.
More to the point, he loves national hero and NHL legend Teemu Selanne, so much that he wears his Winnipeg Jets jersey while shooting pucks poorly and forces his parents to watch Ducks highlights instead of “CSI: Helsinki.”
Then, one magical night …
… the boy opens his eyes to find Teemu Mother [Expletive] Selanne crouching over him as he sleeps. They go off on their adventure moments before Chris Hanson of “To Catch a Predator” shows up to ask Teemu some questions about chatroom logs and wine coolers.
It’s a rather lovely night, as Jarkko and Teemu can clearly see the moon’s giant pie face.
Wherever Jarkko and Teemu go, ice miraculously forms under their skates. (An alternate ending of the commercial had Gary Bettman kidnapping the boy and Selanne and dissecting them to discover the secret to holding a Winter Classic in Dubai one day.)
Suddenly, Jarkko's all like, "Uh, Teemu, I think you had the wrong house dude."
Teemu brought some friends, too, who had the ability to grow a soccer pitch under their feet.
For some reason, there’s an abandoned school bus in the middle the street. This usually signifies some type of catastrophic incident, like a zombie attack. Holy crap is this taking place in Woodbury? Is Teemu a manifestation of Rick Grimes' remorse?!
What a beautiful vista that we’ve seen countless times in Spielberg movies about magical creatures visiting the suburbs.
They play hockey, skate around town on frozen milk (we assume) and then head back to the boy’s bedroom where Teemu Selanne tells him a secret.
But what’s the secret?
A few guesses:
With that, the Magical Milk Fairy goes back to his land of wonder and magic (i.e. Anaheim).
Jarkko wakes up, assuming it had all been a milk-fueled fever dream.
BUT IT WAS NO DREAM OMG ICE TURNS TO WATER WHEN IT MELTS.
Here’s Teemu on the making of this instant classic, and our favorite hockey commercial that didn’t involve Toews and Kane horn-doggin’.