Hockey mascots serve some vital functions during the game. Who else can get the crowd clapping, or fire T-shirts into it? Who else can dump popcorn on the heads of visiting fans? Who else can inappropriately touch female patrons during photo ops? (OK, the players might have that last angle covered.)
Who else can dance like there's no tomorrow? MASCOTS, that's who. Mascots like Sharky, who entertains the crowd at Kölner Haie (Cologne Sharks) games in the Deutsche Eishockey Liga. By getting crunk. (NSFW warning: Song played in the arena contains some adult language.)
Would anyone be surprised if we sliced up Sharky's stomach and discovered a license plate, a tire and the Jabbawockeez?
Sharky is part of a legacy of hockey mascots with a mastery of the dance. We eagerly await the day when the KHL expands to Germany, so we can see Shark vs. Satanic Snowman in a viral Gangnam Style clip. (Not for nothing, but Shark vs. Satanic Snowman is on SyFy this weekend, starring Deborah Gibson and Antonio Sabato, Jr.)
What was that you say? More Sharky the Hip-Hop Dancing Shark? Fancy a break dance, do you?
What incredible moves. How does his tail not stick to the ice like Flick's tongue to the flagpole? And how has he avoided poachers that want what we can only assume are gold sharks' teeth (based on the Lil Jon Theory of Dental Crunkosity)?
All that's missing is Robert Shaw lamenting that 1,100 men went in the water and 316 men came out when Sharky did The Dougie on the USS Indianapolis.
So there you go. The last time we saw a Shark dance like that was in "West Side Story." Or, on second thought … Jeremy Roenick: