In 2010, the venerable Yahoo Answers Canada asked, “Which hockey players do you think fart in ice?”
Excusing the syntax – which makes it sound as if a player is encasing his flatulence in frozen water – it’s obviously a question for the ages. And thanks to the French ICI program “Tout le monde en parle,” we now have our answer:
P.K. Subban of the Montreal Canadiens totally farts on the ice. On purpose.
Apron Basu of NHL.com broke the wind, er, story:
P.K. Subban just admitted he intentionally farts in front of the net to annoy the opposition. I'm sure Carey Price must love that.— Аrpon Basu (@ArponBasu) October 6, 2014
As you know, the NHL has a policy against performance enhancing drugs. We’re not exactly sure where this next revelation fits into that program:
Subban said his pre-game coffee acts as a catalyst in his stomach, then he holds it in until game time so he can fart on the ice. Great.— Аrpon Basu (@ArponBasu) October 6, 2014
HOW IS TIM HORTONS NOT ALL OVER THIS STORY?!
Luckily, Subban’s admission should go unnoticed by the rest of the NHL.
And Subban chose the most popular show in Quebec on which to make this admission. The man is a natural showman. #fartypants— Аrpon Basu (@ArponBasu) October 6, 2014
At the very least, the NHL’s goaltending fraternity should be able to petition the league to allow some sort of aerosol freshener around the crease. Or perhaps a Glade Plug-In. Really, anything that could help disperse the Caffeinated Stink Cloud that follows P.K. Subban around like Pigpen from Charlie Brown.
Of course, maybe they should just consider themselves lucky that Dustin Byfuglien doesn't adopt the same practice, lest they have a desire to tend goal in back of an airline engine.
In a related story, we’d like to take this opportunity to run perhaps the greatest, shortest interview in baseball history.