Concussions are an epidemic in the game of hockey, and they're on the rise. As we learn more about the long-term effects of brain trauma, it's clear that the sport of hockey needs to do everything it possibly can to prevent these incidents, to slow this climb, to ensure its athletes lead long, happy and healthy lives long after they're done playing.
It's also clear that wearing the standard hockey helmet simply isn't enough. They aren't concussion-proof.
Well, they weren't. NOW THEY ARE.
Rejoice, people, as Jamie Marcovitch, a hockey dad whose sons, 6 and 4, play in Ontario's North York Hockey League, has developed what he calls the first concussion-proof helmet.
You're looking at it above. Look at its strange colours. Look at what appears to be an vinyl overlay of hair and ears. What engineering feats does this thing hold? What science? Gather everyone, because we're going inside this miracle helmet, to peer at its wonders, it's game-saving ideas. The sport is spared. It is spared, and upon learning how this simple man accomplished this nigh impossible feat, we will dance in the streets, dance, like King David, naked, with reckless abandon, knowing that the universe has looked upon us with favour, that it wants us to flourish.
It's a hockey helmet with a vinyl overlay showing the child's head underneath, compete with hair and ears.
"We feel that with this helmet concussions would be a thing of the past because kids would change the way they see each other on the ice," said Jamie Marcovitch, creative director at Ogilvy & Mather Toronto.
The league bans bodychecking so the kids aren't trying to hurt each other, they're just not being careful because they don't think they have to be, he said. "If the kids didn't have the helmet on they wouldn't hit each other this way."
The vinyl overlay will help kids behave as though there is no helmet while keeping the protection it does afford, he said.
It's just... a regular helmet... PAINTED DIFFERENTLY?! The helmet we've already determined doesn't prevent concussions, except now it will, because it looks like there's hair on it? Why not flames? Why not just paint it dark, since kids are afraid of the dark? This isn't concussion-proof at all!
Let's stop for a moment and review this man's brilliant and revolutionary approach to helmets: make them look like heads. Then people will stop hitting them, especially four-year-olds, who are always thinking, always considering the ramifications of their actions before they do them.
The NHL will change too. Imagine this wonderful new world, where Raffi Torres would come charging in on a guy, then, in that split-second before he picks the head, and spins his victim around like a top, he realizes there's hair under it. And ears. Hair and ears! What was he thinking -- hair and ears! Those things are attached to a head, and there's a brain under that head. The brain! Don't hit that! People need their brains! They do a lot!
Boy, that was close, Raffi. You almost headhunted, but then you remembered that heads are not to be hunted, and it's all thanks to the helmet, that reminds you that helmets protect heads, those precious heads.
Yeah, that's probably not how this is going to go.
This is upsetting. I am upset. Who would so wilfully mislead us like this? A freaking advertising executive?
Wait. What's Ogilvy & Mather?
"The end goal is that this is something that a helmet company would decide is a great idea," said Marcovitch, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DID. THAT'S A THING PEOPLE LIKE HIM SAY.
CLOSE THIS ARTICLE. IT NEVER HAPPENED.