Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Los Angeles Kings
(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is ‘stace_ofbase’ of Battle of California and last year's Anaheim Ducks Eulogizer, fondly recalling the 2015-16 Los Angeles Kings.)
(Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. To love and watch the Los Angeles Kings fade quickly back into irrelevancy, the best there ever was." - William Makepeace Thackeray
I believe that a Eulogy shall not be of mourning, but a celebration of life, and for the 2015-2016 Los Angeles Kings, there are many things to celebrate. For instance, the Kings' regular season effort was among the best that the franchise has ever seen. They flew out of the gate like a bat out of hell, and managed to win the Pacific Division with eaOH THIS IS AWKWARD. Okay so maybe they didn't win the Pacific Division because they lost a must win game against a non-contending and irrelevant Canadian team--thankfully the Kings haven't done anything like that before, because that would be embarrassing.
Ah damn, this is getting REALLY awkward.
If I've learned anything about the Los Angeles Kings, it's definitely that regardless of their performance in the regular season, they will be a dominant powerhouse in the playoffs every year--even the years when they don't make the playoffs. That's at least what the fans who are unaware of the 45 years of complete and utter failure keep telling me, at least.
It's no secret that the Kings' lineup has gotten significantly worse over the past two years, due to Dean Lombardi handing out hilariously bad contracts to Jonathan Quick, Dustin Brown, Drew Doughty and now Anze Kopitar, and being unable to re-sign their actual good players.
That is what we call in the biz a good ol' fashioned whoops-a-daisy!
The truth is that the Los Angeles Kings are so tight on money that they had to resort to hiring two people to 'Weekend At Bernie's' Rob Scuderi's rotting corpse and accidentally picked up Milan Lucic by confusing him with a trash bag filled with soiled diapers. The trash bag filled with soiled diapers was a pre-game request by Drew Doughty, who gets rather fussy without a snack.
The Kings also decided this season that it would be a good idea to trade for Vinny LaCavalier and Luke Schenn because they figured that if they acquired all former Philadelphia Flyers that they too would be able to achieve the seemingly impossible dream – win multiple playoff games in one season. It's pretty cool that the Kings have so many people from Philly on their roster though, they even give ice time to Liam McPoyle from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
It's truly amazing that he is somehow not the ugliest person on the Los Angeles Kings' roster.
Despite all of these shortcomings and gaping holes (Tyler Toffoli's face is swallowing itself, please help him) in the lineup, the Los Angeles Kings remain the most perfect team in the National Hockey League, with the most noteworthy player being Drew Doughty, who is in contention for the Norris Trophy once again for his 2011-2012 performance. It is nice to see someone like Drew Doughty, who looks like the stay-puft marshmallow man decided to shower with motor oil and roll around in pubic hair trimmings, continue to get recognition for not even being in the top 10 most important players on his own hockey team.
wow David from the TV show Roseanne reaaaally looks like crap
Thankfully, the Kings can always rely on their best player who will never win the Selke, Anze Kopitar. Anze enjoys spending time with his raccoon family during the warm summer nights, finding food and shelter, and not worrying about where to put his Selke trophy that he will never win. As mentioned before, he was signed to a large contract this season, and like his other filthy rich teammates before him, immediately began underperforming once the contract was signed.
Anze Kopitar (left) seen sharing a meal with Dustin Brown (right). Not pictured: Joe Thornton winning Selke
Due to all the character issues and regressing players on the Los Angeles Kings, a captain has not been involved in the organization for the past several years. I find it interesting that San Jose was under so much heat last year for not having a captain, but no one has said a word about LA's lack of leadership--I guess the media really does not care about Southern California hockey. Really makes you think!
The biggest problem with the Kings would have to be their giant hole in goaltending, after being unable to replace their former Stanley Cup championship starter Martin Jones. As the team has gotten worse, the goaltending flaws of Jonathan Quick have been more and more exposed---it is almost as if he...was...never....that...good...at....all and he always had pretty decent defenseman bailing him out up until the past couple seasons.....wow. You've heard it here first, folks. I am the only person to ever mention that Jonathan Quick might not be elite. Has anyone also mentioned that he is the biggest baby on the face of the planet?
You really have to work hard to be a bigger pissbaby than Mike Smith, but at least Jonathan Quick has finally had a complete game in that regard.
Even though the fact of the matter is that Los Angeles is not actually good, their fans have become 9/11 level truthers about their team---they would rather believe that the players are mutinying than believe that the team's window shut faster than Dwight King in search for human flesh to devour. I'm getting the feeling that calling a team the biggest chokers over and over again and then losing to the team in five games might be extremely embarrassing for the losing team........TBD.
The fans have also taken the Anaheim Ducks approach and believe that referees purposely called bogus penalties to favor San Jose. Oddly enough, when looking into Advanced Stats on NHL dot com, I learned that Anaheim and Los Angeles are two of the most penalized teams in the league, and was also able to calculate that both teams are dirty pieces of crap. All the stats nerds were right, math is fun!
I would like to apologize for any pain that Randy Hahn and Jamie Baker caused Kings fans during the extremely short playoff series that just occurred. I know that just like regular season play-by-play and color commentary, playoff announcing is even more serious. I will be praying for you and lighting candles at a church for you.
I have to give credit where credit is due, though. There are a lot of Kings fans who are able to recognize that the Kings are not the team that they once adored. A lot of these fans decided to spend their time on other hobbies, such as volunteering for Donald Trump's campaign or trying to land a role as an extra on CSI. If you want to hear more about the day in a life of a Kings fan, just follow @billsimmons.
The most hurt in all of this is as usual, Dean Lombardi.
Lombardi spent many sleepless nights worrying about his now bastard son, Mike Richards, and will likely blame the season's shortcomings on him, although he has not played a game for the Kings in over a year. You see, Lombardi cared about Richards so much, that he decided to illegally terminate his contract because Richards regressed and was expensive he was so hurt by his deceptions. Dean, who is well known for being the world's most brave martyr, would do anything for his hockey sons so long as they are not expensive as long as their prison time doesn't interfere with training camp.
Thankfully, at the end of the day, it's over. The Los Angeles Kings are finally drifting back into their sad, pathetic existence that they were once quite accustomed to before 2012. A fitting way to begin celebrating the 50th anniversary of the team is to go back to The Good Ol' Days. Maybe one day, opposing fans will take pity on them like they did for 45 years. Until then, the Kings will remain the scum of the National Hockey League.
Congratulations for being the first western conference team to clinch the playoffs and the first western conference team to be eliminated from the playoffs. The whole year was a complete failure and I couldn't be more pleased. Have a lovely summer!
Doughty said he's not as good of friends with Logan Couture as some say. He's better friends with Corey Perry. They live on the same street.
— Abbey Mastracco (@AbbeyMastracco) April 24, 2016