Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Chicago Blackhawks

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Chicago Blackhawks

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is Brad Lee of St. Louis Game Time, fondly recalling the 2015-16 Chicago Blackhawks.)

(Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

BY BRAD LEE

This is a BREAKING NEWS update from the NHL Network. We take you live to the National Hockey League offices in Manhattan. Reporter Mike Glumac has the story.

The NHL has become the next large corporation to be the victim of a data breach. We have learned this morning that the personal email account of Gary Bettman has been hacked.

According to an online cyber organization only going by the initials SLGT, they hacked into the commissioner’s email in the aftermath of the Game 7 victory of the St. Louis Blues over the Chicago Blackhawks.

Mr. Bettman was in St. Louis for the deciding, dramatic and surprising game Monday night, sitting with members of the Hawks front office – at least when he wasn’t up getting beer and snacks for them. Apparently at his hotel that night, someone got access to his phone and downloaded several emails. And now they’ve published them online for the world to see. The vast majority of the thousands and thousands of emails are from Blackhawks supporters and even some employees filing complaints with the league via the commissioner.

What follows is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is a representative sample of all the emails. Last names have been redacted.

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Commissioner,

The officiating in the Hawks-Blues series has been horrible since Game 3. We are the defending champs and deserve the benefit of the doubt! The Hawks needed more power plays, but you didn’t come through like normal. The Hawks somehow lost. Now the NHL doesn’t have any Original 6 or Canadian teams in the second round of the playoffs.

You get what you deserve, Bettman. You think people are going to watch The Blues and Stars?!! Please.

I’d like to formally request a coach’s challenge for the entire series. I figure no one ever knows which way the challenges will go anyway, so it’s worth a shot.

I expect compensation, sir. No more preferential treatment for the Blues. And no means "no."

Jon T.

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Gary,

Listen, I’m going to need a favor.

When our fine young rookie Artemi Panarin finished the season tied for eighth in points, he triggered some salary bonuses for the year. In fact, his bonuses total $2.5 million. Now you probably don’t know a lot of details about the salary cap or league rules or almost anything about hockey, but that number carries forward to next season. And that is going to hurt us with the cap. It will put us over. I already have to deal with $10.5 million for Patrick Kane and Jon Toews. Marian Hossa counts $5.2 million into the next decade, Brent Seabrook’s number rises to $6.875 million and even Corey Crawford counts $6 million a year. I get vertigo just looking at those numbers. We had to dump Patrick Sharp, Brandon Saad and Johnny Oduya because of cap troubles. I could have used those guys. The Hawks would still be playing and NBC would be getting ratings if there was a Hawks exception to the cap.

You’re a lawyer, find a loophole. And I won’t take no for an answer.

Stan B.

NHL
NHL

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Mr. Bettman,

I would like to complain about the conduct of many people in St. Louis who presumably call themselves “Blues fans.”

Ha! If they’re such fans, why is Scottrade Center filled with red jerseys every time the Hawks play in this Godforsaken city? And I use the term city, loosely. I think many of them live in dumpsters behind the pet food company down the street.

The sports fans in St. Louis are baseball fans. They’re only bandwagon fans for the Blues. I bet most of them became fans in the last six years or so, their jerseys all still have the tags on them. Ridiculous! And when the Hawks, the better team in the series according to every REAL FAN I spoke with, somehow lost, the Blues “fans” showed disrespect for hockey royalty. We walked out, in tears. And those ungracious hosts hooted and hollered. They got in our faces, waving these fan-run publications clearly biased toward the Blues and just partied like we weren’t even sad. Act like you’ve been there before, for crying out loud which we were. This series win was so ill begotten, the Blues organization should forfeit and give up their place in the second round to the rightful winners, the Chicago Blackhawks.

My girlfriend said no, don’t send this. She said no, don’t complain. But I didn’t listen, obviously. I’m committed to this team with the Native American logo.

Sam F.

Cubs
Cubs

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Yo, Gar.

This series win by St. Louis is complete and utter [CENSORED FOR FAMILY AUDIENCE]. It [CENSORED] sucks, and it just happened a few minutes ago. Dude, you’re my bro, bro! Do me a solid! Can’t you say the Blues were over the cap? I hear all the good teams are these days. And while they’re not a good [CENSORED] team, obviously you can do something about this. You’re the president! Pull a veto, whatever that is. I heard it on the news between Family Guy episodes. Veto this [CENSORED].

Dude, meet me for beers in your hotel lobby. First six rounds of shots are on me. And if you can do this [CENSORED] for me, I’ll make sure you have a hot date the rest of the night. I’m good with the ladies, man. I’ll make it happen for you, I [CENSORED] swear. And clear your schedule for Cinco de Mayo. Big [CENSORED] plans, my brotha.

Patrick K.

(Via @HitchsHat)

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Commissioner,

I am writing to inform you that I am giving up my fandom with the Chicago Blackhawks organization. I can no longer tolerate this team allowing players to literally run roughshod over rules and expectations of decent human behavior. I’m tired of seeing members of this team act like they can do whatever they want to whomever they want whenever they want with only minor repercussions. It makes me embarrassed to support this team and wear the logo on my hat, shirt, pants, socks and underwear. While law enforcement obviously cannot step in and do something, I can no longer stand idle. I must act when others won’t and take a stand against things I don’t believe in.

So until the Hawks make a change and get rid of the offenders, I will no longer be a fan.

Of course I’m referring to Andrew Shaw and Duncan Keith. All the rest of the players are good by me.

Mike T.

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Chilling stuff, to be sure. We’ll follow up later today as this story develops. And personally, I’m curious to see how the league is going to do the right thing by stepping in and reversing this series to put the Blackhawks in the second round.

Allegedly.

PREVIOUS EULOGIES

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Detroit Red Wings

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Los Angeles Kings

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 New York Rangers

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Philadelphia Flyers

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Florida Panthers

Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Minnesota Wild

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