Eulogy: Remembering the 2014-15 Calgary Flames

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hate them the most. Here is Todd Devonshire, author of Rick Burgers and hater of the Calgary Flames, fondly recalling the 2014-15 Calgary Flames. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By Todd Devonshire

Ferlunds, Romans (Horak’s and Hamrlik’s), Advanced Stats Men, lend me your ears.

I come to bury the Flames, not praise them.

Yes, the Flames made the playoffs. Congratulations. You beat Vancouver. Their defense had the speed of Paul Blart off his Segway.  The offence was led by twins so old that Brian Burke was actually tying ties and had this hairstyle when he drafted them.

Calgary vs. Vancouver? It was the Old Men and the Sea of Red.

Oops. My mistake.

It had been so long since Calgary made it to the second round, the fans actually forgot how to cheer.

Flames Fan 1: What do we do in round 2?

Flames Fan 2: Let’s get orange pom-poms!

Flames Fan 1: Yes! Brilliant idea!

ORANGE POM POMS? DID YOU GO TO JUSTINE SACCO SCHOOL OF PR AND MARKETING?  Winnipeg hadn’t hosted a playoff game in almost 20 years and they knew what to do.  Any ideas about another Sea of Blood Orange was mercifully put to rest, thanks Corey Perry and his Pringles.

Twenty six years and counting without the treasured Stanley Cup.

And while Father Corsi gave an impassioned speech about the great Hart-(ley) and the Jiri Hustler, he knows the true destination of this team. The 2015 Flames team have not secured a seat in heaven.  Rather they have been cast to be a permanent member on the 97th circle of hell.  In short, 1989 will soon be the new 1967.

I offer two exhibits to counter the predictable backlash:

Colorado and San Jose.

They too failed to realize that puck possession is the current model for success in the NHL.  San Jose admitted this in April. This year, they ran at teams like Johnny Lawrence running into the crane stance of Daniel Larusso.

Guess who’s in a body bag now?

So when in Rome… oh, wait. Here come the deniers.

Flames Fan#1: Kris Russell set a record blocking shots! He’s awesome. 

If you’re blocking shots, it means you don’t have the puck.

Flames Fan#2: We out hit many team on many nights.  

If you’re out hitting teams, it means you’re chasing the puck.

Flames Fan#3: We got Johnny Hockey, Sean Monahan, Sam Bennett. They work hard. The future looks great!

Um, you’re supposed to work hard. It’s professional hockey.

But Calgary.  Look up. Look waaay up.  You see that? It’s Edmonton.  And admiringly, you’ve owned Alberta these past few years.  But what do you have to show for it? Maybe a Lady Byng?

Here’s something you need to keep in mind.

June 26, 2015.

It’s the second coming.

Gretzky 2.0.

And Lord knows you had enough of the first one.  It’s going to cause Brian Burke to lose his hair.

Connor McDavid.

Make all the McJokes you want. The Flames are nothing more than a McDowell’s without seeds on their Big Mic.

McDavid and his slingshot are winding up. He’s got Calgary in sight. And right now you look you look like a big McGoliath. You know 2015 was your year and you blew it.

So welcome to the 97th circle.  We know you’ll be waving those orange pom poms for a while.