The Seven is an arbitrary list of randomly connected hockey subjects that will run every Thursday on Puck Daddy. Agree to disagree.
Sources say Christmas is this weekend (e4), which means you might find a present or two under ye olde tree that fulfills your hockey-centric wishes, whatever they may be.
Unless, of course you're a heathen. And by that we mean a basketball fan.
Whether it's video games or non-virtual hockey games or hockey dolls — yes, dolls — history is rich with awkward and wonderful ads for toys steeped in puck.
Here are 7 hockey toy commercials to brighten your holidays
1. Mice Hockey
As Inventor Spot notes, the director of this commercial probably went into seizures during its filming.
OK, just so we're clear: You drop the hockey puck inside the cheese. And then you stick your stick inside the cheese. And then you whack the puck through one of the holes in the cheese. And then you win.
Or, as the commercial so eloquently states it: "Move the mice hockey stick into any hole. Slap the mouse puck to score a goal." (Ladies …)
2. NHL 2003 EA Sports
Then-Detroit Red Wings sniper Luc Robitaille has some words with this stick. "Be quiet … it's hat twick season."
3. Snoopy Hockey 1971
You had as at "Go Snoopy Go."
It's the beloved Peanuts characters facing off on a frozen birdbath. Due respect to Woodstock, but we don't have much faith in a goalie that's eclipsed by a football. Not exactly Marty Brodeur in the net presence department.
By the way, you can't convince us this isn't a young Donald Cherry or at the very least a relative of said Donald Cherry.
"SNOOPY WILL ALWAYS SHOOT DOWN THE RED BARON BECAUSE HE'S A PINKO!"
4. "Ice Hockey" by Activision
An all-time classic, as the late Phil Hartman embraces his animal side because of the "ruthless tripping" of Activision's "Ice Hockey" for the Atari 2600. Considered by many to be the precursor to "Blades of Steel," if only in the color scheme of teams.
5. Imperial Oil Esso 1960
Doug Harvey, all-star defenseman for the Montreal Canadiens, and his son battle on an Imperial Esso slot hockey game. Five dollars back in 1960 was, what, like $1,000 today?
6. Nintendo Ice Hockey (Japanese ad)
An incredible Japanese ad featuring the "fat" of "skinny, medium, fat, fat" — the ideal combination for Nintendo "Ice Hockey" — crashing through the television and kidnapping a family, much like a psychotic Michael Pitt in "Funny Games."
7. The Wayne Gretzky Doll
"No, it's not the Canada goose. It's the Wayne Gretzky doll."
This isn't a commercial, although it may well have been. This CBC video looks back at the craze that wasn't, as a toy store discovers that boys don't collect Barbie dolls.
Malibu Jari Kurri sold separately.
Previously on Puck Daddy's The 7
The 7 Ilya Bryzgalov HBO spinoffs we'd pay to see
The 7 Sean Avery fights that aren't completely terrible
The 7 great skater vs. goalie collisions that resulted in hilarity, chaos
The 7 NHL players with mind-blowing career plus/minus ratings
The 7 NHL journeymen nearing Mike Sillinger levels of relocation
The 7 neglected NHL fan pages we love
The 7 players we'd pay to watch in an NHL shootout
The 7 NHL veterans still livin' the dream in minor leagues
The 7 most heartwarming stories of the NHL preseason