After debuting their new and not entirely good-looking new duds Tuesday, Team USA also took the opportunity to photograph the invitees to their orientation camp wearing them.
Many of the resulting photos, as evidenced by the shot of Ryan Kesler above, were creepy. Or just weird. For whatever reason, they're all backlit in pink, perhaps inspired by Miley Cyrus's new album art, giving the entire shoot this off-putting, late 1980s dating video vibe.
On top of that, several of Team USA's players are goofy-looking. What we're left with, then, is comedy gold. Here are our 10 favorites.
10 | Keith Yandle
One assumes Keith Yandle likes his martinis shaken, not stirred. Ease up, Yandle. You may be going to Russia, but you do not have a license to kill. Stop furrowing your brow like that. We're starting to wonder if you're trying to fry our brains inside of our skulls.
9 | Patrick Kane
You are a father. The doorbell rings. It's your daughter's date. You are met with this. "No," you say. "Just no."
8 | Brandon Saad
Look at that neck. Perfect for any team willing to go into a defensive shell to protect a lead.
7 | Justin Faulk
"Whatcha thinkin' bout, Justin?"
6 | Phil Kessel
"I know what you're thinking: Can a guy with shimmery stars on his shoulders go H.A.M. on you? And the answer to that question is 'Phil Kessel.'"
5 | Danny DeKeyser
"Welcome back to Love Connection. Let's meet our first suitor, Danny. He describes himself as a practical joker and he loves flying small planes."
"The first thing I do with a new lady is I take her to meet my mom and my three sisters, and if they don't approve, I don't approve."
4 | Dustin Byfuglien
This photo was taken literally seconds after Dustin Byfuglien was told that the new USA logo was, in fact, not made of Twizzlers and sour cream.
3 | Jimmy Howard
Jimmy Howard, when asked to recreate his "Lidstrom and Rafalski have decided to retire" face.
His eyes are a preternatural horror. Imagine seeing this staring back at you during a round of speed-dating.
2 | Dustin Brown
Dustin Brown's incredibly sarcastic thumbs-up is in response to:
A. Being asked about whether he likes the new jersey design.
B. Being asked about whether he likes the Sedins.
C. Challenging someone in the Stanley Cup of Thumb-wrestling.
D. Providing a place for noted "Dustin Brown is a coward" critic Jeff Marek to sit.
1 | Paul Stastny (all photos)
Let us never let Paul Stastny be photographed again.
With additional comedic whimsy from Wyshynski.