Because defeating Tim Tebow is a Herculean task ill-suited to the common man, Wes Welker decided to seek help from a hairier power.
The New England Patriots receiver is growing a playoff mustache in hopes that it aids in vanquishing Sir Tebow and propels his team to a fourth Super Bowl title. Such an enormous task calls for a special 'stache.
Welker discussed his facial hair decisions at length on his Twitter account. Among the things we learned:
• The point spread shifted three points because of the 'stache. Welker will also receive six more fantasy points due to it.
• The 'stache will go public on NASDAQ within the next few weeks.
• It adds 20-30 pounds to his bench press.
• Welker does not believe in the old adage of killing them with kindness. He chooses to "kill them with silence and a monumental 'stache."
• One Patriots fan painted her fingernails to honor the Welker 'stache. We won't share the picture of the pregnant woman who painted her belly with a Pats logo.
• Kidding. Of course we will.
• Welker is trying to emulate Chuck Norris. And just for that, Tom Selleck will ensure New England loses on Saturday night.
Shutdown Corner tried to reach Champ Bailey's beard for comment, but it was unavailable. We'd like to think it would have said, "Seriously, son?"
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