Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson breaks down his team's offseason moves.
JERRY RICHARDSON: Why the hell do you need me to break down the offseason moves? Can't you dumb kids read a depth chart? Do I have to sit next to you and spell it out? C-A-M-N-E-W-T-O-N. Young people these days are about as sharp as a bag of packing peanuts. First, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees cannot read a revenue chart at the collective bargaining table without me holding their hands and giving them the See Spot Run treatment. Now, you Internet people cannot read a depth chart.
We drafted Luke Kuechly. He is going to be a starter at linebacker. He is my kind of player, because I know I won't have to check him for any weird tattoos or piercings after he gets his money. And thanks to the rookie wage scale, he won't get that much money. Though it is still too damn much. A kid plays in the NFL three years and he has enough money to own his own team. I played for two years and I only had enough money to buy a fast-food franchise. It's a totally different situation! Anyway, Kuechly made 532 tackles in three Boston College seasons, and he is a fine young man, unlike most of the ungrateful whelps in the league these days, with their collective bargaining and expectation of fair treatment.
Our major free agent acquisition was fullback Mike Tolbert. We already have running backs DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, and of course Cam Newton can run as well as throw, so I believe we should run the wishbone. Can't you see it? Fake the handoff to Tolbert, have Newton run right with two pitch options behind him. It would be great! We could have run it in 1959, with Alan Ameche, Lenny Moore, and Mike Sommer, and yours truly on the wing. But nooo. Johnny Unitas had to be a prima donna "dropback" passer.
That's right: I have a problem with Unitas, too. I'm an angry person. I fired my own sons, for heaven's sake.
Tolbert will have a major role in the offense, because Jeremy Shockey is twisting in the free agent wind right now. You know how I feel about tattoos, and I am not too crazy about whistleblowers, or alleged whistleblowers, or inappropriately-and-probably-wrongly-accused-for-bringing-a-dangerous-situation-to-light whistleblowers, or of anyone who is not happy to get paid whatever the hell I feel like paying and keeping his mouth shut.
Other than Tolbert and Kuechly, it has been a quiet offseason for the Panthers. With Jon Beason healthy, we should be better on defense, and Newton had better develop into an even better quarterback for all the money I am paying him. The Panthers are doing things the old-fashioned way. If you don't like it, you can go root for some other team. I am done wasting my time with you, and it is time for my midday jowl exfoliation.