$#*! Randy Moss says (on Ustream)

Chris Chase
Shutdown Corner

Randy Moss has been hosting live chats on Ustream for the past few days. He announced his return to football early Monday morning and has since sat for two more sit-downs with fans, gawkers and the sad rubberneckers who jump out of bed when an OtisMoss notification arrives in their inbox. (Not that I can relate to that at all.)

The whole thing is oddly compelling. That the famed wide receiver, who has played in front of 90,000 people and spent a few years as one of the most recognizable names in sports, gets excited by 700 people watching him on a grainy Internet feed is part of the appeal. The rest lies in Moss' attitude, accent and his apparent delight to be answering questions from fans rather than reporters wanting to know why he quit on the Tennessee Titans.

A sampling of the Randy goodness is below. Because these chats aren't archived, I did the best I could on transcribing these quotes. A word or three may be out of place, but the context and gist remain the same.

• "Naw, the only way I'm gonna moon the crowd again is if I'm back at Lambeau and Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are callin' the game."

• "As long as my name is Randy Gene Moss, I'm going to a stadium near someone."

• "Anybody know Culpepper? Somebody tell him I love him."

• "Was I upset when James got killed on 'Good Times'? Yeah, I didn't want 'em to kill James, that was a good show."

• "If I jumped out of bed at 35 years old, I might have to do a little stretching. But I can pick up a 4.3."

• "Y'all start calling AP [Adrian Peterson] 'Big Brown' 'cause that's y'alls horse now."

• "I love Brett Favre."

• "Randy Moss is not broke. I've saved my money. Y'all never heard of me doing anything stupid out there with my money."

• "Flag football? Razzle dazzle out in the parking lot? Does that have anything to do with money? No, I love the game folks."

• "If analysts wouldn't talk and say the good and the bad then they wouldn't make no money, so they gotta do it?"

• "I've already proven who I am and what I can do. I'm coming back to the game because I still want to play football."

• "Do you know why the media hates on me? The media hates on me because they can't get close to me. And I gave them nothin'. For the media to sit up and smile and tell you they're your friends, then they come in and can miscon-screw you."

• "No, I don't write checks."

• "I don't have no thoughts on Joe Buck. I hope he gets one of my games this year if I get back in the league."

• "My legs feel damn good."

• "What number y'all think I should wear? I was thinking 41. That's the old Keith Byars jersey. Get out of here girl, no one wants to see me in 69."

• "Am I a bigger deep threat than Calvin Johnson? That's going to be interesting to see this year. I know Calvin don't wanna put his numbers up and y'all already know I'm comin to tear somebody's heads off."

• "Percy Harvin. And who is it, Ponder?"

• "I'm not no hockey player, what do I wanna come and train in Winnipeg, Canada for?"

• "I believe that Tom Brady could possibly be the best quarterback to ever do it."

• "Favorite Whitney Houston song? Man, I just love Whitney Houston. My momma told me today that I didn't let you all listen to a lot of music because it corrupts young kids at an early age."

• "Somebody just asked me how smelly are my poops. When I grew up I never thought Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson farted or pooped." [The second sentence is heavily paraphrased, but that was the basic point. I got too excited and couldn't type.]

• "I'm gonna tell y'all what. I don't know why Cris Carter isn't in the Hall of Fame. [...] Cris Carter maybe have the best hands of all time in this football league. Don't invite me cause I'm not coming. [...] I love Cris Carter."

• "Who is John Stamos? I don't know who that is but somebody told me to say what's up. Whatsup, whatsup, Stamos?"

• "To all the women out there, Happy Valentines Day. To all the men, do somethin' nice for your lady, man."

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