Oh, Bart Scott. Please don't ever stop talking. When you open your mouth, magical things happen.
The latest little miracle to come from Bart was on "The Michael Kay Show" on ESPN New York. Scott was comparing the Jets/Giants rivalry to the Ravens/Redskins rivalry, and implied that the intensity of a geographic NFL rivalry is contingent on the number of local strippers. Via Sports Radio Interviews:
Do you sense a rivalry between the Jets and Giants?
"Not at all. Like I said when I was in Baltimore I could remember with the Redskins you had guys fighting over strippers and all kind of stuff. I don't sense that here. I think it is a mutual respect. I think the town is big enough for both of us."
And bless Michael Kay's heart, there was a follow up.
Bart, you gotta help me out. You guys fought for strippers? What does that mean?
"When you are in a small place like Baltimore and the temperature is relatively cold — hey, you compete over the same chicks. That's a football player's favorite spot. Especially young football players. It was always a rivalry. Guys fight about 'Hey that is my girlfriend and that's my girlfriend', but here? Five million people, maybe more. There is plenty for everybody."
Oh, what I wouldn't have given to hear some of that trash talk. Bart Scott, back in his Ravens days, wrapping up Clinton Portis for a loss, then having a long-overdue talk about the affections of Sparkle.
Scott: Take that, Portis, And SPARKLE IS MINE, YOU STAY AWAY.
Portis: Oh, shut up, Bart, I saw you in the champagne room with Coco the other night. Sparkle's my baby.
Scott: Sparkle loves ME. I bought that girl two cars and paid her tuition at Maryland. KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF HER.
Portis: But I paid her tuition at JMU.
Scott: Hm. My baby Sparkle sure does love school.
Portis: She's so smart. She'll be a great doctor one day.
Scott: She told me she's majoring in Economics.
Portis: So much ambition.
Scott: Yeah, my baby studying econ AND medicine.
Portis: She ain't your baby.
Scott: SHE LOVES ME. Me and Sparkle gonna get married and have babies and name them SPARKLE BART or BART SPARKLE. CAN'T WAIT.
Portis: Coco says she's pregnant with your baby.
Bart's in New York now, though, where there are enough strippers that no one has to share. If Bart Scott and Jake Ballard each want their own Destiny, they can have them. This is the path towards peace in the NFL.