Now that the NFL schedule is out, you probably only have one question: How will this schedule contribute to the greater glory of Tim Tebow?
Fear not, true believers! Mix the brand new schedule with a crystal ball and some wishful thinking, and Presto! A week-by-week breakdown of Tebow's stats and progress appears, suitable for fantasy football or water cooler discussions.
Week 1: Bills. Tebow carries seven times for 43 yards and attempts no passes in a win. Mark Sanchez throws two touchdown passes; no one notices.
Jumbo screen catches Knicks guard Jeremy Lin in the stands. Jets fans boo.
Week 2: at Steelers. Tebow gains 6 rushing yards in a loss. Late in the game, he attempts to throw a bomb like the ones he threw to beat the Steelers in the playoffs, only to find Steelers safety Ryan Clark standing exactly where the ball will land. Clark has actually been standing in that spot since the team told him he could not travel to Denver last January. There really isn't much else to do in Pittsburgh.
Week 3: at Dolphins. Tebow gains 11 yards as a rusher and completes a screen pass to Jeremy Kerley for 2 yards, giving him more total yardage than Dolphins starting quarterback Aaron Corp.
An unearthly voice warns Tebow to abandon the ways of the Wildcat and focus on becoming a true quarterback. No, it's not the Almighty. It's the ghost of Pat White's career.
Week 4: 49ers. Mark Sanchez actually plays this entire game, a Jets loss. "If I didn't know better," he tells coach Rex Ryan, "I would think you are playing me against this vicious defense just so I can get injured and end this quarterback controversy." Ryan spends a solid hour scratching the back of his head and looking down at his shoes until Sanchez gives up and leaves.
During the game, the jumbo screen catches Rangers forward Marian Gaborik in the stands. Jets fans boo.
Week 5: Texans. Tebow gains 12 yards as a runner and is 3 of 9 as a passer in a loss on Monday night. Jon Gruden washes his mouth out with battery acid so he can say "Tebow" over and over again without cursing or vomiting.
The Jets Wildcat is renamed the Wild Mosquito after the most threatening predator in the Meadowlands. Name scrapped after Darrelle Revis contracts West Nile Virus.
Week 6: Colts. Tebow gains 3 yards as the Jets hand off 74 times to beat the Colts 6-3.
Jets Wildcat renamed The Wild Pistol. Name scrapped when Plaxico Burress injures himself by stuffing a playbook in his shorts.
During the game, the jumbo screen catches Donovan McNabb in the stands. Eagles fans race up the New Jersey Turnpike to boo, but get stuck in traffic one mile from exit 15X. Luckily, McNabb says something completely inane, so Jets fans boo.
Week 7: at Patriots. The Jets win 20-17 with the help of 40 Tebow rushing yards. Rex Ryan struts and preens through his press conference as if he just won 300 Super Bowls. The only truer sign that mid-October has arrived than a premature Ryan celebration is a whining Red Sox fan.
Week 8: Dolphins. Tebow is ineffective. Dolphins win. After fielding the 30,000th question about why the Wildcat isn't working, Tony Sparano erupts in an obscenity-laden rant. "It was, like, four plays that I used to surprise the Patriots four years ago! And I have been milking it ever since! Don't you see that I am a big, fat, incompetent fraud!" Rex Ryan consoles Sparano by telling him he isn't that fat.
Week 10: at Seahawks. Deep within a cold storage cooler at Pike Place Market, Tebow (now starting after the bye week) discovers the Amulet of Left Handed Greatness, once possessed by a southpaw Crusader Knight who got really lost and wound up in the Pacific Northwest. The amulet imbues Seattle lefties with unearthly talent, which explains the careers of Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and Jim Zorn. Sadly, the amulet is cursed, and wearers either die young or become Jim Zorn. Tebow uses it just this one time to throw for 300 yards, then gives it to Sanchez, who gives it to a left-handed girl he meets at Starbucks, who immediately acquires the grace and wisdom to not date Sanchez.
Week 11: at Rams. Tebow goes 10 for 26 as a passer, but runs for 55 yards in a 16-10 Jets win. A mysterious fax appears at Rams headquarters before the game, with various parts of Tebow's anatomy marked with dollar figures. The fax also says that if someone drives alongside you on a freeway and flashes his lights, he is going to try to shoot you as initiation into the "GW" gang. Jeff Fisher stops reading halfway through the part about the defensive coordinator with the hook for a hand who hitchhikes along country roads. No one on the Rams defense proves strong enough to put a real lick on Tebow, anyway.
Week 12: Patriots. Blah, blah, Belichick is a mad genius, blah, blah, Wildcat doesn't work and Tebow cannot throw straight, blah, blah, Tebow has a bunch of garbage time production, blah, blah, 41-10 Patriots.
Week 13: Cardinals. John Skelton, who engineered just as many fourth-quarter comebacks as Tebow last year, enters the game in the fourth quarter with the score tied 10-10. Tebow and Skelton battle through overtime, which is a nice way of saying the two kickers trade 58-yard field goal attempts until Nick Folk boinks one off the crossbar and in. Sanchez and Kevin Kolb spend the afternoon fishing in the Passaic River. They catch two shopping carts and an infectious sharps disposal canister.
The Jets Wildcat renamed The Tebow Package by a media relations guy with a tin ear for double entendres. Name scrapped when the team learns that Jockey owns the rights.
Week 14: at Jaguars. The return of Tebow to Florida marks the highest attendance figure in Jaguars history, forcing the tapping of a second keg. Tebow throws three interceptions in a loss. To spare his feelings, Jaguars defenders are digitally altered on highlight replays to look like Ravens defenders.
Week 15: at Titans. Tebow runs for 75 yards and throws for 74 more in a Monday Night win. After the game, Tebow visits Graceland and acquires a fascination with leopard skin prints and fried peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwiches. Thirty years from now, when you are deciding between Young Tebow and Old Tebow postage stamps, remember this as history's turning point. Oh, who are we kidding? There won't be a postal service 30 years from now.
Week 16: Chargers. Tebow gains 220 total yards in a Sunday night win against the Chargers, who gave up in mid-November.
During the game, the jumbo screen catches Derek Jeter in the stands. Jets fans boo. With that, the Mayan prophecy is fulfilled and the universe winks out of existence. Jeter then talks the universe into re-existing. Mayan calendar is reset. Mark Sanchez becomes a maize farmer.
Week 17: at Bills. Brad Smith looks across the frozen field at Tebow, briefly empathizes with him, then realizes he did the same job with about 1/1000th of the fanfare and none of the endorsements, and loses the ability to ever feel empathy again. Bills win, knocking the Jets out of the playoffs.
Jets Wildcat is renamed the Wild Goose Chase. Geese flee to Canada while the getting is good.
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