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The 2014 SEC coaches Christmas party

Nick Bromberg
College football and motorsports writer

The holiday season brings holiday parties, so we wondered what would happen if the SEC coaches all had a Christmas party. So this is our best guess as to what would take place if all 14 coaches shared an evening together. No, this isn't real. And yes, this is being hosted by Nick Saban.

*Knock*
*Lane Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Saban: Hugh, you're the first one here. Merry Christmas.

Hugh Freeze: I'm also the only coach to beat you this season. So I figured I'd arrive early and bring back those memories.

Saban: That's thoughtful of you. You can give your coat to AJ if you'd like. He's taking coats tonight.

*AJ McCarron takes Freeze's coat and takes it upstairs.*

Freeze: Does everyone have a responsibility? It was good to chat with Lane at the door.

Saban: He's a great offensive mind, and I figured that opening the door would give him a chance to recharge himself.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Kiffin: There's a man here with a gold hooded sweatshirt and gold sweatpants.

Gary Pinkel: What up, yo? It's G-Pink from the A-Kron!

Saban: Did beating you in the SEC Championship Game traumatize you, Gary?

*Will Muschamp and Gus Malzahn walk in together wearing matching sweater vests right after Pinkel. Kiffin raises his arms*

Malzahn: Will and I wanted to stop by before we head to the Waffle House for a real Christmas dinner.

Muschamp: I'm still invited, aren't I?

Saban: Not really, but I'm not going to kick you out. I embarrassed you enough earlier this year.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Steve Spurrier: Howdy Lane, just checkin' in on my way to Shreveport. I figure I only got two or three of these left, you know, so I better make the most of it.

*McCarron takes Spurrier's coat. As he's doing so, Butch Jones walks in.*

Spurrier: Hey there, AJ? How's ol' Trevor Knight doing? You talk to him much after that asskicking? Sure sucks that your last football game ever happened like that. Better be careful. Knight's probably a better coat-taker than you are.

*Dan Mullen walks out of bathroom*

Mullen: Hey y'all, s*****r's full.

Saban: When did you get here? And where's the plunger?

Freeze: Did you clog it with the pile of crap you showed against us and Alabama, Mullen?

Spurrier: Hey Hugh, how's that C+ team GPA working out for you? That GPA was just like your season. Improved, but still lower than expectations.

Freeze: You're going to Shreveport, Steve. We're going to Atlanta.

Pinkel: They might as well be the same place. And I remember South Carolina's last trip to Shreveport very well.

Jones: Guys, I'm just so happy we're going to a bowl game.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Mark Richt: Hey guys, I brought Chris Conley's Star Wars movie to watch. Plus I have a bunch of autographs here from Todd Gurley. He said he wanted to give each of you a Christmas present. I drew some portraits of each of you and he signed each of them.

*Sandstorm starts blaring from the street and gets closer. Kevin Sumlin approaches the door with a boombox. Kiffin raises his arms in the air after answering the door.*

Sumlin: What up Spurrier, how's it going? We run this party.

Spurrier: I think you better get a trademark on that phrase pretty quick there, Kevin. How's ol' Kenny Trill doing?

Sumlin: Who's that?

*Derek Mason and Mark Stoops walk in as Sumlin is talking with Spurrier. No one notices.*

Saban: Appetizers are ready, everyone. Oatmeal Creme Pies are on the left, and some of Miss Terry's favorites are in the kitchen. The corn dogs are next to the Oatmeal Creme Pies.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Les Miles: Ah, I knew I was at the right place. I could smell the corn dogs from the street. I knew I wasn't at Tiger Stadium.

Saban: Glad you could make it, Les. The grass smoothies are next to the blender. Everyone's here, right? Wait, where's Bret?

Spurrier: Probably interviewing for Michigan. When a man's trying to play Big Ten Bingo, you can't stop him.

Mason: Man, this appetizer stinks. Going to have to try another one.

Sumlin: You're crazy, Mason. This appetizer is delicious. It may be the best appetizer since the 2012 appetizers.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Bielema: Sorry I'm late, Can't go too fast when you're trying to get somewhere. I'm all about safety, you know. The more parties you go to, the more times you could get hurt.

Spurrier: Knew it.

Malzahn: You'll never learn, will you, Bielema? The faster you go, the more you can get accomplished. Watch this.

*Malzahn starts dancing.*

*Jones joins in.*

*So does Pinkel.*

Mason: Man, this appetizer stinks. Going to have to try another one.

*Mark Richt has set up a viewing party in Saban's den. No one has joined him.*

Richt: GUYS! GUYS! MY CAMEO IS ABOUT TO START. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

Saban: I've got my boat khakis on if anyone wants to go tubing. Just let me know and I'll start the process of going out to the boat.

Mason: Man, this appetizer stinks. Going to have to try another one.

Stoops: Mason, appetizers aren't quarterbacks. You can't just take one bite and then look for something better. Eat what's on your plate before trying another one.

Sumlin: No, Mason's right. I thought this appetizer was amazing, but after two bites it's terrible. Going to have to make a switch here pretty soon.

*Knock*
*Kiffin raises arms in the air after answering the door.*

Kiffin: Who the hell are you?

Chad Kelly: I'm Chad Kelly, only the greatest quarterback in the history of the game. Take my coat, McCarron.

Kiffin: Coach Nick, should I let him in?

Saban: I have no idea who that is. No.

Kiffin: Get out of here, dude.

Kelly: NO. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE.

Kiffin: Leave.

Kelly: I'M GONNA GO OUT TO MY TRUCK.

Kiffin: Freeze, this is your problem. Can you take care of this?

*Freeze walks towards the door.*

Freeze: Dammit, this is the last time I sign a quarterback from East Mississippi Community College.

Richt: I'm gonna go curl. Who's with me?

Pinkel: I'll join you.

Sumlin: Hey Will, no hard feelings. Can you hook me up with a defensive coordinator?

Muschamp: Let me see what I can do, you're certainly more appealing than North Carolina.

*Saban reaches for an appetizer. A man identifying himself as Al from Dadeville bursts through the door before Kiffin can close it after Kelly and Freeze leave.*

Al from Dadeville: NO. DON'T EAT IT SAINT NICK. THOSE HAVE BEEN POISONED.

Saban: The hell? What are you doing here, Harvey? You said you had to help make the food as part of your community service but I said you couldn't be here for the party.

Al from Dadeville: Well I poisoned those appetizers thinking those would be what Gus and Will would eat first. I'm just trying to help you in the Iron Bowl.

Saban: Thanks for the heads up. I'll put these away. I trust you didn't poison anything else?

Al from Dadeville: No sir. The Bama in my blood overcame me momentarily. I'll leave now.

Spurrier: Boy howdy, this is a great party. I think I'll be here another 4-5 parties.

Bielema: Woo pig sooie!

Sumlin: What was that?

Bielema: Sorry, just happens sometimes. I can't control it.

*By this time, Stoops has fallen asleep in the corner.*

Spurrier: Boy, if that ain't Kentucky's season in a nutshell right there, I don't know what is.

Sumlin: So you're saying this party has been South Carolina in a nutshell? Mediocre?

Saban: You wish your defense was mediocre.

Sumlin: Will, this is why you have to hook me up.

Muschamp: I'll do what I can. I can see what Mack's up to, if you want. He could have a recommendation.

*Pinkel and Richt return from curling. Mullen has emerged from unclogging the toilet.*

Mullen: Who won? Richt: 34-0. Wasn't even close. Didn't even have my best stone, either. Left that at home.

Saban: It's time to eat. Les, will you lead us in prayer?

Miles: Gladly. Gather round, gentlemen. This Christmas holiday is for everyone, like election day. It's not like Columbus Day, which is for the Italians. Or St. Patrick's Day, which is for the Irish. Or Thanksgiving, which is just for the Americans. After all, we are in Alabama. Be grateful for what you have in life, as I am grateful for you, all of my baes. May we all be best baes in 2015.

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Nick Bromberg is the assistant editor of Dr. Saturday on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at nickbromberg@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!