Missouri offensive lineman Elvis Fisher has decided to hold out for the start of Mizzou's football camp on Wednesday unless his demands are met.
Fisher, a senior and arguably the Tigers best offensive lineman, held a press conference Tuesday — OK, it was him, in his car, talking to a friend holding a video camera — to announce his demands saying:
"I have a few demands that must be met before I play football for the University of Missouri again."
And here are his demands (verbatim):
• "We need new soap in the locker room. I'm tired of that cheap 99-cent Wal-Mart soap. I've got old dry skin as it is. Get some Dove or some Axe in there. A billion-dollar complex… We've got a Tiger in the front of the complex that will follow you around — an animated Tiger — but we don't have better soap?"
• "I want my own personal Segway. I don't want to have to walk to the practice field. I don't want to have to walk to the dining hall. I don't want to have to walk to the weight room. I'm not trying to lose weight here. I gotta be over 300 , ya'll want me over 300 to play in the SEC. Yeah, I need a Segway."
• "On the back of my jersey, I do not want to have 'Fisher' on the back of it anymore. From now on I want my Twitter handle (@ElvisFisher72) to be on the back of my jersey."
• "I don't want to sweat on game day anymore getting ready. I sweat so much on game day just getting ready for the game that I want to have five or six just my personal assistants on game day to assist me getting ready so I don't have to sweat. All my stuff laid out. Yeah, they just take care of it so I don't gotta sweat anymore. I'm not sweating anymore before a game."
• "Last but not least, I need some new shirts. I need some Mizzou football shirts. Look what I'm wearing. I'm wearing an AT&T Cotton Bowl shirt. That was back in what? '08? January 1st? My redshirt year? Haven't gotten a new shirt since. That's ridiculous. I need some new shirts."
Fisher concludes his press conference by saying that if his demands are met by Wednesday, he'll be in fall camp.
Obviously — and I hope this goes without saying — this is a joke, so stop writing that snarky comment at the bottom of this article. It's a spoof on the many NFL players who are holding out for various reasons. Fisher will be in fall camp, he's not a diva (well, maybe he is) and this is all in good fun. Let's all just be thankful football starts this week.
Still, can the man get some proper soap? I mean, really Mizzou!
H/T Rock M Nation