Heeeeeeeeeeeey there, gang. How've you been? I'm —
Oh ... really? That sounds ... um, wow. That sounds awful.
No, I know. I really shouldn't just come right out and say that it sounds awful. And I mean, of course, obviously it's tough out there. Lockout's still on with no end in sight, Gucci Mane's shine is again being blocked by prison bars, clinics are putting the kibosh on Xanax prescriptions -- it's not great times. It's just ... I kind of wasn't prepared for you to tell me things weren't so good.
I sort of figured you'd just go, "I'm OK, how's by you?" And then I'd tell you about how I moved from Boston to New York, and got married in a hurricane, and danced a lot, and went to Europe and stuff. And then you'd be like, "Wow, that's certainly a lot of links," and I'd say, "Yep, but guess what? Caption jokes are back now!" And you'd shower me with praise and gifts, which would be a nice slice of happiness pie. (By the way, couldn't help but noticing that you didn't send a card. Thanks, "friends.")
So, anyway, I'm really sorry that things aren't going so well. Maybe this'll help: Let's get back to joking around, huh?
Rules are the same as ever: Check out the photo, hold your nose as you wade through my gag, then leave your far better goof in the comments. I will choose the three greatest spoofs and award their authors nonexistent prizes, which grant you Internet-wide bragging rights, which are even more valuable than bitcoins, if you can believe something more valuable than bitcoins even exists!
But while the pic above is thematically appropriate to my recent nuptials, super-American and kinda adorbs, it's also several years old, and this isn't "Past Lives," so it's not what's hot in the C-a-C streets. Today's photo appears after the jump. Let's help Lawrence Frank educate the kids.
"... and then he hits a couple shots and starts telling everybody he can't feel his face, which, I mean, I don't even know what the heck that means, but I guess is better than when he was calling himself 'Mr. 50' ..."
"No, that's WRONG, Mr. Frank. You're READING it WRONG. This story is about Sam-I-Am, NOT DeShawn Stevenson. Read it RIGHT."
"You're right, Tabitha. I'm sorry. He just ... he's just everywhere in my mind."
Best caption wins a guide to all the characters in Seussville to help jog your memories on a sleepy Wednesday morning. Good luck.
(Also, because the last C-a-C came a shocking two months ago, we're just going to go ahead and assume that all your jokes were the greatest and you all won. We'll call that my wedding gift to you.)