Welcome to From the Marbles' 2013 driver reviews. Here, we're going to critique, praise and bloviate about the top 30 drivers in the 2013 NASCAR season. Newman. Now.
Hello Newman. How many times have you heard that at your new department? Probably more than you can count. But let's reflect on your time at your old department, shall we.
You're going to be the answer to a trivia questions 10 years from now, and they won't be "Which NASCAR driver was most associated with Seinfeld?" It'll be "Who was the driver that was put into the Chase via the penalties handed down to Michael Waltrip Racing?"
And people will then think it's a trick question because everyone will shout "Jeff Gordon!" while forgetting that he was a CEO's discretion add.
Anyway, we'll get to the point, which is you won at the Brickyard and you almost won at Richmond, which was just a messy situation. But hey, it worked out and you made it in. Great.
What we may have to dock you on, however, is "does not get along well with co-workers." You don't have to like your pit crew to work well with them, but can we at least all sing kumbaya and have a weenie roast together? You drove a car with Smurfs on it to your win at Indianapolis. Do you think the Smurfs disliked their pit crew? Did the Smurfs even have a pit crew? These are the questions we ask ourselves on Fridays. It's really serious around here.
You were also called a big stupid idiot. We can't forget that. Five-year-old namecalling is the best.
You'll have more sponsor stability after your transfer is complete, so that must be nice. And so is the perk of getting to drive heavy machinery. You were probably having tank withdrawals after the Army decided to end its sponsorship. While a big bulldozer is no tank, it's an acceptable substitute.
But more importantly, do you like silver spoons? The man replacing you at Stewart-Haas says there may be a lot of them where you're headed. Make sure to ask if they're dishwasher safe before using them, however.
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Previous Reviews: No. 12 Kasey Kahne, No. 13 Carl Edwards, No. 14, Brad Keselowski, No. 15 Jamie McMurray, No. 16 Martin Truex Jr., No. 17 Paul Menard, No. 18 Aric Almirola, No. 19 Ricky Stenhouse Jr., No. 20, Jeff Burton, No. 21 Juan Pablo Montoya, No. 22 Marcos Ambrose, No. 23 Denny Hamlin, No. 24 Casey Mears, No. 25 Mark Martin, No. 26 David Gilliland, No. 27 Danica Patrick, No. 28 David Ragan, No. 29 Tony Stewart, No. 30 Dave Blaney