Video of the Miami Marlins home run feature has finally surfaced

David Brown
Big League Stew

It ... is ... alive!

With opening day fast approaching and a new ballpark to open, the Miami Marlins have been preparing by putting their highly anticipated and already much-ridiculed home run display through some dry runs. And, from the looks of this YouTube video, we have some great news: When activated, the monstrosity is as grotesque, obnoxious and over the top as anyone possibly could have imagined.

But beware: It might not be safe for children, the elderly or people with epilepsy to watch:

Like a nightmare from "Boardwalk Empire," the display lights up like the unwanted zombie lovechild of a pinball machine, a carnival roller coaster and a diabolical cuckoo clock, giving fans the feeling like they're somewhere in Atlantic City, N.J., instead of Little Havana near Miami Beach. It looks like the ugliest thing you could find in the cheesiest gift shop along the shoreline. Who's up for some neon skee ball? How about Plinko or Cliff Hangers on acid from "The Price Is Right"?

Here are the gory details:

• The flapping wings of the pink flamingos — as if to wave the home run ball good-bye — standing one-legged on the beach.

• The "waves" of multicolored "water" — "splashing" back and forth as if unpaid interns are manually moving them behind the scenes at a community theater production.

• The pair of rotating Marlins diving counterclockwise, making splashes when they hit the water — like Old Faithful or the blowhole of a blue whale. Curiously, they don't splash when they break the water on the other side of the sculpture. (Consistency, people!)

• There's a third Marlin that spins at the top of the display, there are seagulls (I think) that spin clockwise to the fish, there's a wretched sun that lights up.

• And the grand climax, once all of the spasms are complete: It makes a rainbow. Really:

Hopefully the Marlins will hit four or five home runs every home game, although I'm not sure if the emergency rooms in the Miami area could handle the extra work.

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