Springfield Sabermetrics: The 25 best lines from 'The Simpsons'

The best part of the most recent "Simpsons" episode was the opening title sequence directed by guerrilla graffiti artist Banksy. It was troublemaking art at its most subversive. Sadly, it featured no baseball.

"Moneybart" didn't have Ken Griffey Jr.(notes) contracting gigantism, either, but it did feature guest appearances by statistician overlord Bill James and (in a return engagement) Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia. Both, in their own way, advised Lisa on what it might take to manage Bart's Little League team.

James' blink-and-you-miss-it contribution is the flashpoint for the whole "Is sabermetrics good for baseball?" debate, a question that wasn't necessarily resolved on the show. But it was made fun of — to the point that a notebook computer is doused with celebratory Gatorade. And the "Moneyball" angle gave producers a chance to showcase one of the series' best tertiary characters, the Nutty Professor-like John I.Q. Neidelbaum Frink.

To whet your appetite while we take an intolerably long break from the League Championship Series, the Stew collected the top 25 baseball-related lines from "Moneybart" to help you cope using laughter. (Bonus Audio! Below, click where appropriate to hear the quote.)

1. "Baseball is a game played by the dextrous but only understood by the POIN-dextrous." — Frink (on the left), explaining why he's a baseball fan

2. "The only thing I know about strategy is that whatever the manager does, it's wrong. Unless it works, in which case he's a button-pusher." bartender Moe Szyslak, responding to Lisa's call for help

3. "Then it's good to be GREINKE!" — Frink, on the times when Zack Greinke(notes) might be a better pitcher than Cliff Lee(notes)

4. "Sorry, Marge. Last time I stepped on a baseball field, I got tased." Homer, on why he can't manage Bart's team

5. "I didn't know what I was putting into my body!" Ralph Wiggum, on getting "juiced" by overdosing on fruit juice

6. "There have been plenty of female managers in baseball: Connie Mack, Sandy Alomar, Terry Francona, Pinky Higgins." — Lisa, on why gender doesn't disqualify her to manage

7. "... And that's why anybody who invested with Lenny Dykstra, really should call that number. Lawyers are standing by." — Vin Scully-like announcer, on Lenny's financial woes

8. "I've made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes!" James, on his contribution to the sport

9. "It gave me super managing powers. I also demagnetize credit cards." — Scioscia, on the effects of getting radiation poisoning at the Springfield Nuclear Plant back in the early '90s

10. "This isn't the game I grew up with! The game played in the misty ballparks of Enron Field, or Pac Bell, then SBC, now AT&T Park." — Bart, on baseball's good old days

11. "Using sabermetrics, even an 8-year-old girl can run a ballclub with the sagacity of a Stengel and the single-mindedness of a Steinbrenner. I call it a Stein-STENGEL-sman-sman-bluh-flavin." Frink, on how numbers rule

12. "You made me love baseball. Not as a collection of numbers, but as an unpredictable, passionate game, beaten in excitement only by every other sport." — Lisa, on the dichotomy of our national pastime

13. "Bart, call me 'Walter Matthau' because I'm a Bad-News-Bearer; I'm resigning as manager of your little league team." — Flanders, with a great pop-culture pun

14. "I caught a white apple!" — Ralph, blissfully ignorant as usual, after catching a fly ball

15. "Then, Pete Rose plowed into his friend Ray Fosse, dislocating Fosse's shoulder in a meaningless game. He had earned the nickname 'Charlie Hustle' by not letting personal feelings get between him and home plate." — Homer, telling Bart a bedtime story

16. "I don't care if your manager is your sister, Dick Drago's mustache or Oscar Gamble's Afro, a player should always listen to his skipper." Scioscia, on the importance of respect

17. "How 'bout a benchwarmer who's afraid of puppets?" — Milhouse, on his best baseball skills

18. "Look at me, I'm Whitey Ford!" — Nelson, with a random reference to a ballplayer from the 1950s

19. "OK, everyone study two-out situations, count management and I'll be back with some gluten-free crackers." — Lisa, handing out spreadsheets while the other team enjoys pizza between games of a doubleheader

20. "Did someone order a happy ending?!" — Bart, with a double entendre for the ages, as he triumphantly returns to the ballfield

21. "Hey, speaking of stats, I'm none-to-pleased about your ratio of seats occupied to beers ordered." — Moe, prompting Frink's stat-heads to calculate the formula for "SOBO"

22. "It's a triumph of number-crunching over the human spirit — and it's about time." — the Vin Scully-like announcer's heavy handed characterization of sabermetrics

23. "[Bart] thought he was better than the laws of probability. Anyone else think he's better than the laws of probability? Well, you're not!" — Lisa, on the value of discipline

24. "Speaking of homers, Bart's father's name is — you guessed it — not on my fact sheet." — Vin Scully-like announcer with wink to Homer J. Simpson

25. "The '69 Mets will live on forever. But do you think anybody cares about Ron Swoboda's wife and kids? Not me! And I assume not Ron Swoboda." — Homer, on priorities

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