It doesn't take a Rocket scientist to figure out that Roger Clemens needs to make major repairs to his reputation. As of New Year's Day, a prominent sports medicine institute in his hometown of Houston has removed Clemens' name from its stationery. "The move reflects a desire to promote the broad range of sports medicine services and programs offered by Memorial Hermann across the greater Houston area," a statement from the institute said.
"This change only affects the name of the Institute. Roger Clemens remains committed to working with us to champion youth sports and develop aspiring baseball players."
Despite that last assertion, it's our belief that if the Rocket no longer is welcome there, then fallout from Mitchell Report allegations covers more ground than Clemens might have feared.
So what else might Clemens lose in the wake of baseball's steroids scandal? More commercial endorsements? Other friendships? Future induction to Cooperstown?
Below is a list of additional theoretical consequences Clemens faces in the coming years:
10. Not even the Blue Jays want Clemens to wear their cap on his Hall-of-Fame plaque.
9. No matter how politely Clemens asks the Boss, he won't be let into George's Box at new Yankee Stadium.
7. The Roger Clemens Award, given annually since 2004 to the top pitcher in NCAA Div. I college baseball, now goes to the athlete who makes the best secret phone recording of a close friend in order to save his own hide.
6. Speaking of friends, nobody makes any mortgage payments on the property that used to house the Roger Clemens/Brian McNamee Do-It-Ur-Self Vitamin B12 Inject-o-Rama Shooting Galleria 'n' Fun Factory.
5. Mindy McCready's dad says his daughter's alleged 10-year affair with Clemens didn't have enough "honky tonk moments" to merit any songs about it for her upcoming comeback album.
4. Elton John and Bernie Taupin won't license "Rocket Man" as background music for RogerClemensOnline.com anymore, but still contend anything from Elton's limp '75 LP "Rock of the Westies" is fair game.
3. In scorecard parlance, the letter "K" is replaced with the "Ð" character from the Cyrillic alphabet, requiring Clemens to change his children's names to Ðoby, Ðory, Ðacy and Ðody.
2. "Roger Clamens," a mascot in the ZOOperstars stable of pun-tinged major league names, transforms itself into "Cliff Flea."
1. To avoid associating with Clemens' nickname, NASA and the aerospace industry hereby refers to all rockets as "upshooters."