NL Tarp Tale: Pry this from the Brewers' cold, dead hands

This and every weekday a.m., let's rise and shine together with the most recent and decent major league happenings. Today's NL roll call starts in Milwaukee, where the first-place Brewers say "Get your stinking paws off us, you damn, dirty Giants!" That, plus the defending NL champions fizzle, perhaps because they were mourning the death of simian activist/Moses impersonator, Charlton Heston.

Brewers 7, Giants 0

Ben-Hur: Ben Sheets took his time — seven years! — but followed-up his first major-league complete-game shutout (notched in 2001) with another, blanking the little Giants with eight strikeouts.

The Zen commandments: Barry Zito (he of the $126 million contract) might try Jedi mind tricks next; only three earned runs allowed, but also 8 hits and two homers in 5 innings.

Touch of evil: "I don’t know who Sheets wouldn’t have shut out today," Giants manager Bruce Bochy said. "That stuff shuts out anybody."

Soylent Green is people!: Gabe Kapler, welcome back. He went 2-for-4 with a homer, 2 RBIs and a base theft. He's batting .438.

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Rundown feelin' (Sunday's other games)

Diamondbacks 5, Rockies 2 (10 inn.) — Arizona to-do list: Ruin opening weekend for Colorado, which fell to 1-5 amid opening day, a raising of the pennant and a ring ceremony celebrating their World Series berth a season ago.

Pirates 9, Marlins 2 — Mach Snell, mach Snell! Righty Ian Ks 10 Fish in 6 innings.

Reds 8, Phillies 2Ken Griffey Jr. launched career homer No. 594, and right-hander Edinson Volquez showed he's not quite Johnny Cueto — but still is pretty good — in his debut.

Braves 3, Mets 1John Smoltz passed the knot-in-the-shoulder test. Also, Mets fans are not all that shocked to find out Johan Santana will not go 35-0.

Cardinals 3, Nationals 0 — It rubs the Kyle Lohse on its skin, pitches 7 shutout inningsl

Cubs 3, Astros 2 — He has the power, again. Derrek Lee turning back into He-Man with a 10-for-25 start with six extra base-hits.

Dodgers 3, Padres 2 — Trevor's travails: Hoffman has 526 career saves, but is 0-2 this season.

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Photo of the Day: Sheets of Happiness

Here's Sheets, reacting to the final out of his complete-game masterpiece. Nothing too funny to say about this one ... just a solid, shadowed shot that tells us more than the standard baseball pic.

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Fantasy Freaks

Jeff Keppinger (Reds) 3-5, 3 R, HR, 3 RBI

Ryan Braun (Brewers) 3-5, HR, 3 RBI

Albert Pujols (St. Louis) 0-2, 2 BB, SB

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Fantasy Flakes

Ryan Howard (Phillies) 0-3, 2 K, .200 BA

Kosuke Fukudome (Cubs) 0-3 (How DARE he?)

Eric Byrnes (D'backs) 1-5, batting .154

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Big Talker: "The first thing on my mind was I had to do a good job my first time in Cincinnati. I think I did. I didn’t go seven innings or have 10 strikeouts like J.C., but I think it was pretty good." – Edinson Volquez, on comparing his first start to that of teammate Johnny Cueto.

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