Morning Juice: Randy Johnson asks Cubs, 'Who's your Unit?'

This and every weekday a.m., let's rise and shine together with the most recent and decent major league happenings. Today's roll call starts in the board room of Tribune Co., where a 44-year-old corporate raider named Randy Johnson says there must be some mistake, for how can you sell the Cubs when I already own them?

Game of the Day: D-backs 2, Cubs 0

The Mullet Show: Randy Johnson has always been all-business up front and a party in the back against the Cubs. He's 13-0 in 14 career starts — for a 93-percent clip — against them. That's a solid "A" unless you have a meanie for a teacher who gives you an "A-minus." FYI, Johnson's team also won the game against the Cubs in which he didn't get a decision.

Ancient ex-Mariner: Against a team that scored nine runs the game before, Unit shut 'em down over seven innings. Two hits, one walk. And the guy is almost as close to 50 as he is 40. Rich Harden, whose early career numbers look a lot like Unit's early career numbers, was throwing a no-hitter until a fella named Alex Romero (didn't he ride Personal Ensign?) hit a home run in the sixth. That was enough for Unit and the D-b's shaky pen.

What else is 93 percent?: The chances of a hurricane hitting land in the United States this season; the grade for "Iron Man" on Rotten; the percent of Rwandan refugees who are from the Congo; the surge in the foreclosure rate a year ago; the amount of the Hi-Def DVD market share for Blu-Ray.

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Feelin' Rundown (Monday's other action):

Dodgers 16, Rockies 10 — Can someone pull Kip out of town? Would you believe one homer in this game? OK, would you believe seven deeps and a two-hour rain delay? Ha! Shoulda taken the one homer. Pay up. The closest any Dodger got to four bases at once was James Loney's triple. He also knocked in five, if you keep track of such details.

Brewers 6, Cardinals 3 (10 inn.) — Rickie Weeks: My job, my job! ... Day 1 of the Brewers six-man rotation went well; Dave Bush watched quietly from the dugout and Seth Mc"Iron"Clung was mostly solid, only a little gaseous, over five. Now if Yed Nost could just find a one-man rotation for the ninth inning. Actually, Bill Hall gets the save, for hitting a 10th-inning homer.

Yankees 12, Twins 4When Liriano was in Minnesota's land, let Francisco go. Oppressed in the minors, this will not stand, let Francisco go. ... Jorge Posada can make it through the season just fine. His right shoulder will not be joining us, however.

Braves 4, Marlins 0 — They're turning the Mobile, Ala. boyhood home of Hank Aaron into a museum. It was that or a Sonic.

Red Sox 4, Mariners 0 — Terry Francona said he has faith in Jason Varitek. Faith is belief without proof, and there's not a whole bunch of proof — despite his two-run homer Monday night — that Varitek should be playing regularly anymore. He came in batting .122 with a .178 slugging percentage in his past 29 games. Did the Captain's image appear on a potato chip or something?

Rays 4, Athletics 0 — We have a breakthrough! Kazmir threw 103 pitches in 4 1/3 5 2/3 six-plus seven two-hit innings! Already a model of consistency, Longoria homered for the third consecutive game.

Tigers 19, Royals 4 — By the time S.W.A.T. arrived, Miguel Cabrera already had blown Jimmy Gobble's ERA to bloody bits all over pitching coach Bob McClure. Tony Pena finished for the Royals. No, the D-b's didn't trade their Tony Pena. This is the shortstop we're talking about.

Rangers 6, White Sox 1Edinson Volquez came by, handed Josh Hamilton an empty suitcase, and the slugger went deep again. The guy's a pro. Feldman, from accounting, notched the victory.

Padres 6, Reds 4 — Call it a comeback, because it might not happen again for years. The Pads improved to 1-53 when trailing after eight innings by scoring three in the ninth against The Cisco Kid, who's got six turnovers (my new word for blown saves) ... You're probably wondering, and the answer is yes: Homer Bailey this season has yet to make an appearance without allowing a homer.

Pirates 9, Astros 3 — No lead is safe against the Pirates at the former Enron Field. Home run, Jason Bay! Two-run homer, Xavier Nady! Inside-the-park three-run-homer, Freddy Sanchez! Quadruple-inverted-reverse inside-the-bullpen home run, Rennie Stennett!

Orioles 8, Blue Jays 3New Pacman Jones (gobble-gobble-gobble) hit a homer (gobble-gobble-gobble), legged out a key infield single in a three-run fifth (gobble-gobble-gobble) despite a swollen right ankle (gobble-gobble-gobble) and is batting .372 over his past 20 games (gobble-gobble-gobble).

Indians 5, Angels 2 — If you think baseball is overwrought with jargon, check out cricket. Here's the thing about cricket; it never ends. They've been playing the same matches for 500 years.

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Photo of the Day: Hidden ball trick

A's infielder Bobby Crosby is disappointed after his failed tactic of hiding the baseball in a personal spot aboard the Rays' B.J. Upton.

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Words of Mouth

"Yesterday those Little Leaguers from Columbus who won the World Series could have beat us. Today was as solid a game as we have played from first pitch to the end of the ninth inning." -— Chipper Jones

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