Julian Tavarez picks his teams like he picks his 4 a.m. hook-ups

A long night of partying can make the woebegone Nationals look like the New York Yankees to a desperate man, oddball right-hander Julian Tavarez says.

In explaining why he chose to sign a contract with the Nationals, who are coming off the league's worst record in 2008 and who also recently lost their general manager amid a scandal, Tavarez used gorgeous Latina superstar J. Lo as part of an analogy.

From the Washington Post:

"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavarez said told a group of reporters. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."

"I would like to be a starter, but it's like my father said: 'You want Jennifer Lopez, but does she want you? No.' You just take whatever she is giving to you. So I just take whatever they give to me," Tavarez said. "They give to me as a long man, I take it as a long man. Set up man, I take it. Starter, I take it. I can do whatever."

Before we go admiring J-Tav too much for making the best of a tough situation, one has to ask: which party is the 600-pounder in this story? Tavarez, who turns 36 this season, sported 1.848 WHIP with three teams in '08. After 16 years of clubbing, it might be time for Julian to hang up his dancin' shoes. His love just costs too much.

UPDATE: Here's edited audio of Tavarez's remarks. I LOVE the reporter who assures the pitcher that "we've all been there."

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