Help wanted: Cleveland Indians seek stats whiz — with muscles

David Brown

This wonderfully written job ad published Tuesday by the Cleveland Indians is not for Asdrubal Cabrera's double-play partner. That's Jason Kipnis. But it does sound mostly like what Jonah Hill was doing for them before Brad Pitt lured him away to the Oakland Athletics in "Moneyball." The Executive Development Fellow for Baseball Analytics is described as an "intensive, structured 12-month immersion into the organization." He or she will be responsible for, among other things:

• Collecting data, research and analysis, implementing models, creating statistical reports for baseball operations, and keeping up on the latest sabermetric developments applicable to front office operations.

A veritable Chris Antonetti-in-training. But the job requires more than pecking at a keyboard and subscribing to Baseball Prospectus. Other skills must include:

• Ability to walk and / or stand for entire shift.
• Ability to work extensive hours, evenings, and weekends required
• Frequent bending, stooping, reaching and lifting.
• Ability to lift and transport items up to 55 lbs.
• Reads, speaks and comprehends English effectively.
• Hazards may include, but are not limited to, slips, trips, falls and cuts.

Bending, stooping, lifting? Fifty-five pounds? The Indians don't want someone who merely lives in their mother's basement. They want someone who's been working out down there, too. (So, buff Jonah Hill instead of pudgy Jonah Hill.)

And what's this stuff about "Slips, trips, falls and cuts"? What kind of computer code are they writing at Progressive Field? And there are other "hazards"?

Being made to wear Jason Giambi's lucky thong while charting Mariners BABIP.

Nick Swisher invalidating your spreadsheets with false equations.

Chris Perez sneaking IcyHot into your Chief Wahoo pocket protector.

Lou Marson ruining your powerpoint for Mark Shapiro by substituting heatgraphs of AL Central relievers with the latest manga graphic novella about invader robots.

Punking you by having Ubaldo Jimenez pretend to argue over how low his VORGLE is (22.3) when there's no such thing as VORGLE.

It sounds like adventure is waiting for someone in Cleveland!

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