There's nothing for us to believe in anymore.
The plantain Fernando Rodney toted around the World Baseball Classic for the Dominican Republic was not shipped special to AT&T Park in San Francisco for the final rounds, as reported to Yahoo! Sports' own Jeff Passan. Rodney apparently misrepresented the origin story of his special banana.
A tweet coming Thursday from Marc Topkin of the Tampa Bay Times said this:
also a twist to "magic plantain" story - #Rays Rodney says he got it from a fan/friend in stands in SF before game, wasn't flown in from DR
— Marc Topkin (@TBTimes_Rays) March 21, 2013
Rodney traded an autograph for the banana. And then he traded our innocence for a sexy story about supernatural fruit.
I'd like to rationalize that the mystical plantain probably was grown in the Dominican Republic, shipped to the Bay Area conventionally and bought at an S.F. grocery store. Because you can buy plantains in most U.S. grocery stores of average-or-above caliber. But who knows what the truth is, and what is a lie?
Let's take another look at a key part of Passan's column:
It had a message for him, too, because what good is a piece of produce if it doesn't talk to you? "If you keep me close to you," the plantain said, according to Rodney, who did not indicate whether it spoke Spanish or English or maybe Fruitish, "you're going to get the win." And in this world of lies and cynicism, maybe what we truly need to bring us together is the Magic Plantain, a teller of great truths.
Lies and cynicism really are all we have, Passy. As it turns out, not only was the plantain not a special delivery, it probably didn't even talk — in any language. Bananas don't talk. They never have. They don't have any magical powers, other than to be yummy when you eat them, or to be funny when you slip on them comically. You can't use them for a weapon — like a gun or knife, as Rodney brandished the plantain during the WBC — because you'll only get banana goo all over yourself. The best you could hope for is to poke a bad guy's eye out with the ... what do you call it? The handle? The stem? Does it matter?
Because who wants to fight, or even play baseball, with a plantain or without, now that Rodney has let the secret out? So, when he says that the whole "WBC plantain" thing will stay in the WBC and won't be brought to the Tampa Bay Rays this Major League Baseball season, OK, I say. We don't want your fake bananas.
[Baseball 2013 from Yahoo! Fantasy Sports: Join a league today!]
The next thing you know, Rodney will tell us those arrows he shoots after games are imaginary. Please, give us all of the truth, Fernando. Your cap isn't the only thing that's crooked!
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