New Cardinals infielder/outfielder/fantasy football GM Mark DeRosa(notes) expects to make an impact again in the NL Central, but has been frustrated by a wrist injury since coming over from the Indians. He should be healthy soon, in plenty of time for another Wrigley Field homecoming against his old friends — and the Cardinals' biggest rival — the Cubs. While taking a break from a rest and rehab session at Busch Stadium recently, Penn's former QB connected with Answer Man, and was excited to answer whatever "strange and ridiculous questions," as DeRo put it, were coming his way.
David Brown: You're out hurt right now. Why am I talking to you?
Mark DeRosa: Because no one else wants to talk to you.
DB: When the newspaper industry collapses for good, what will the Cardinals put down to line Fredbird's cage?
MD: What?! [laughs]. I have no idea. I don't even know Fredbird; I haven't met him yet.
MD:: I'm trying to figure that out; I think he's from another planet to be honest with you.
DB: Are you 100-percent sure which Molina the Cardinals use?
MD: Absolutely. Yadier!
DB: That's wrong. It's actually actor Alfred Molina, from "Spider-man 2."
MD: No, that was last year.
DB: Is your trade to the Cardinals all part of Jim Hendry's secret plot to have you take down the Cubs biggest rival from the inside?
MD: I don't think so. No, no. I'll do everything in my power for us to beat them.
MD: I appreciate it. That's the way I felt when I got traded from there. I mean, I'm glad my teammates enjoyed my being there and that they think I was an important part to helping them win. I take it as a compliment.
DB: Does it make too much sense for you and Chris Perez to just stay in each other's apartments for the rest of the season?
MD: Yeah, I'm not going to stay in his apartment. He's probably a single guy, young. I'm over the hill, married, couple of kids. I need the suburbs [laughs].
DB: Who do you like in the AL Central now that you're no longer part of the race?
DB: It's never too early to start talking fantasy football, right?
DB: Who you got at punter — Dustin Colquitt or Chris Kluwe?
MD: Punters are not an option in my league.
DB: Shouldn't they be?
MD: Not at all. Adrian Peterson.
DB: He doesn't kick. ... What will being traded to the Bears mean for Jay Cutler?
MD: I like it a lot, actually. I think it's a team that's been in need of a big-time quarterback since McMahon left. I think it's big for them.
DB: Who's he going to throw to?
MD: He'll find somebody to catch his passes.
DB: Why do your Cowboys ... searching for the word ... struggle ... in the playoffs?
MD: [Sighs]. I wish I knew. I wish I knew. For me, in the playoffs, you've got to get the ball to your playmakers and last year they weren't able to get the ball to T.O. That was big with me. I just think you've got to find your way to get your best player's hands on the ball.
DB You're an old Ivy League quarterback. Critique Tony Romo.
MD: I like him. I mean, he's a gunslinger, there's no doubt about that. He's a guy that loves the spotlight, loves the big moments. Is he going to make some mistakes and make some fans scratch their head? Yeah, but ultimately I think he's a great quarterback.
DB: Do you own any football jerseys of favorite players?
MD: Oh, yeah.
DB: Do you wear them anywhere, or would that be weird?
MD: Yeah, that would be. I don't wear them. They're signed and hanging.
DB: Who ya' got?
MD: I have Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, Tom Brady . . .
DB: Kyle Orton.
MD: No. That's it.
DB: How did you acquire them?
MD: Peyton Manning, I actually know. Troy Aikman, from when I played with the Rangers. Brett Favre, Tom Brady? eBay [laughs]!
DB: Really [laughs]! What did you pay?
MD: Yeah, about $300 a pop.
DB: That's not too bad. How do you know they're real?
MD: Because I was also given a picture of them signing it, with an authentication seal.
DB: Favre's was about $300?
MD: If you go online and get into bidding wars with people, sometimes you can steal some stuff.
DB: What do you bid for Magglio Ordonez's hair?
MD Nothing. I saw that, though. And he went deep when he cut his hair off. Goes to show you, the Samson thing is garbage.
DB: Is it too soon to see anyone walking around St. Louis in a DeRosa Cardinals' jersey? Other than you, of course? Some people, they're ahead of the curve.
MD: Yes, yes. Way too early. I don't even have a hit yet.
DB: Where should Tony La Russa be in the succession line for president of the United States?
MD: Wow. What do you think, like, fifth? I don't know if that's high enough.
DB: The Rangers don't owe you any deferred money, do they?
MD: No they don't [laughs]. I wish they did.
DB: There's a story that they're having trouble making payroll, that Tom Hicks had to borrow money to do it.
MD: I don't believe that. . . . [Maybe] he needs to sell the soccer team.
DB: If they were to re-construct the Arch out of candy, what kind do you suggest?
MD: M&M's. That's my favorite candy.
DB: That's a lot of stacking, but it wouldn't melt in your hand, or in the St. Lou heat.
MD: That's why it'd be perfect.
DB: Has Mrs. DeRo ever encouraged you to go into the modeling business? Maybe start with the J.C. Penny catalog and work your way up to Ballplayer Vogue ?
MD: We did one magazine cover together, a magazine in Atlanta when I first came up to the big leagues.
DB: Was it for Southern Fried Living?
MD: It was called Jezebel [laughs].
* * *
Previous Answer Men (and Woman):
2009 • Edwin Jackson — June 11 • Paul Konerko — June 5 • Chris Volstad — May 28 • Adrian and Edgar Gonzalez — May 20 • Tom Glavine — April 30 • Joey Votto — April 23 • Joakim Soria — April 16 • Joe Maddon — April 6 • Joe Nathan — April 1 • Jay Bruce — March 25 • Carlos Pena — March 20 • Shane Victorino — March 12
* * *
2008 • Hunter Pence — April 10 • Justin Morneau — April 17 • David Wright — April 24 • Erin Andrews — April 25 • Andy Van Slyke — May 1 • Derek Jeter — May 8 • Bob Uecker — May 15 • Bert Blyleven — May 22 • Torii Hunter — May 29 • Joba Chamberlain — June 3 • Larry Bowa — June 13 • Zack Greinke — June 20 • Kerry Wood — June 26 • Huston Street — July 10 • Josh Hamilton — July 15 • Milton Bradley — July 24 • CC Sabathia — July 31 • Mike Mussina — Aug. 7 • Jason Bay — Aug. 14 • Cole Hamels — Aug. 22 • Ron Santo — Aug. 28 • Francisco Rodriguez — Sept. 11 • Ryan Dempster — Sept. 18 • Evan Longoria — Oct. 2