Thirty years ago, Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia unleashed one of the most foul-mouthed, F-bomb laden rants a skipper has ever given us. It's glorious — if you're the type of person who can find glory in a three-minute soliloquy that contains 37 iterations of the F-word.
Monday is the 30th anniversary of Elia's rant. On the 25th anniversary, Elia told the Chicago Tribune:
"There are about six reporters, three from Los Angeles, and they start asking me about the bad start and how Cubs fans are reacting. Well, I just lost it."
For reasons you understand, we can't exactly post the rant word-for-word here. You can listen to the totally NSFW original version or head over to the Tribune's site if you want to hear a censored version, but be forewarned the bleeps might give you a headache. Instead, here's a different spin on the Elia rant.
I asked people on Twitter to offer up some of their favorite funny words — among the responders was a preschool, which is kinda weird, but I'll go with it. I've subbed in the funny words for the curses, creating a wacky Lee Elia Mad Lib that almost makes as much sense as the censored version does.
Original transcript via LeeElia.com:
"[Wowza] those [gigglin'] fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you rippin' every [gorgonzola] thing you do. I'll tell you one [radical] thing, I hope we get [whapow] hotter than [balls], just to stuff it up them 3,000 [balderdash] people that show up every [necking] day, because if they're the real Chicago [crazay] fans, they can kiss my [holy schneickys] [poop] right downtown and PRINT IT.
"They're really, really behind you around here... my [scrimmagin'] [whapow]. What the [mastication] am I supposed to do, go out there and let my [gigglin'] players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the [necking] nickel-dime people who turn up? The [schmapple] don't even work. That's why they're out at the [necking] game. They oughta go out and get a [necking] job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a [necking] living. Eighty-five percent of the [poop] world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A [loopy] playground for the [mastication]. Rip them [fudgesicles]. Rip them [scrimmagin'] [fudgesicles] like the [gorgonzola] players. We got guys bustin' their [crazay] [whapow], and them [balderdash] people boo. And that's the Cubs? My players get around here. I haven't seen it this [radical] year. Everybody associated with this organization have been winners their whole [moist] life. Everybody. And the credit is not given in that respect.
"Alright, they don't show because we're 5-14... and unfortunately, that's the criteria of them dumb 15 [poop] percent that come out to day baseball. The other 85 percent are earning a living. I tell you, it'll take more than a 5-12 or 5-14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you that. There's some [loopy] pros out there that wanna win. But you're stuck in a [moist] stigma of the [moist] Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals and all that cheap [scrimmage]. It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening [necking] situation that we're in right now. Anybody who was associated with the Cub organization four or five years ago that came back and sees the multitude of progress that's been made will understand that if they're baseball people, that 5-14 doesn't negate all that work. We got 143 [holy schneickys] games left.
"What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them [gigglin'] guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my [gigglin'] [balderdash]. But don't rip them [gorgonzola] guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they're tryin' to do more than God gave 'em, and that's why we make the simple mistakes. That's exactly why."
On that note, I'm going to go rip some scrimmagin' fudgesicles.