This, friends, is how a perfect golf story is built. Behold:
This past weekend in Jacksonville, Fla., police had to break up a fight between golfers at the Jacksonville Beach Golf Club.
Oh, that's a good start. But I think we can do better.
Apparently two groups were fighting with one another about golf course etiquette, like "don't drive your golf cart over the green" and "when you're done putting, get the heck off the green."
Nice, good detail. You can see how that would make you mad, right?
There was alcohol involved.
The groups began attacking each other with golf clubs.
Beautiful! Love it! Like some country club version of "Anchorman" that I just copyrighted! Still, though, something is missing ...
One of the golfers, 61-year-old James Hines -
Oh, an angry, old golfer. Those are the best kind.
- hit a golf ball at the group ahead of him -
Bad form, James. But great for the purposes of our story. More, please.
- and the group threw the ball back at him.
Nice! If very ineffective!
So Hines got into his golf cart and began driving ...
... he picked up speed ...
As much as you can in a golf cart, yes ...
and RAMMED INTO THE GROUP, RUNNING OVER ONE GUY AND PINNING ANOTHER TO HIS OWN CART.
HOLY GOPHERS, THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE GREATEST GOLF COURSE FIGHT STORY EVER!
Anyway, the two golfers hit by the cart sustained minor injuries but weren't hospitalized, because, you know, it was a golf cart. Hines, meanwhile, was arrested, charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, and booked (temporarily) in the Duval County Pretrial Detention Facility.
He was released the next day, straight from the jail into our hearts. Thank you, Florida golfers. Never ever change.
Man Arrested For Ramming Golf Cart Into People (First Coast News)
(Thanks to John W. for the tip.)