I'll issue a warning right here at the top, so there's no confusion: You will not find any actionable fantasy information in this blog post. None. Zero. Nada. Empty set. Nothing. If you're looking for news and advice, please visit Closing Time. Scott has you covered.
But what you will find here is home run porn, and who doesn't like that?
I'm just killing time on a Saturday morning, waiting for a 14-team dynasty draft to begin. One of my five keepers in this particular league is the dude featured above — no, not Brad. The other guy: Paul Goldschmidt.
On Friday, Goldschmidt hit this moonshot off Tim Lincecum in the first inning of Arizona's 5-4 win. That thing was a no-doubter, one of two homers allowed by Lincecum. We should note that the pitch was a curiously lifeless 90-mph meatball, and Timmy was clearly disgusted with himself. But he eventually struck out seven Diamondbacks over 5.1 innings, so there's no obvious reason for anyone to panic.
For reasons unknown, Goldschmidt has enjoyed ridiculous success against Lincecum over a small number of at-bats, going 6-for-11 with a double and three home runs. The man has only hit 11 career major league homers, playoffs included, so it really seems absurd that one of Earth's best pitchers has served up three.
As majestic as Goldy's bomb was, that still wasn't the most impressive homer we've witnessed in the opening days of the 2012 season. Here, just for fun — again: with no fantasy utility whatsoever — are clips of the longest blasts we've seen (because c'mon, we all enjoy homer porn. Don't even tell me you don't)...
• Yoenis Cespedes is the leader in the home run derby clubhouse after visiting a remote corner of the Coliseum, 460-something feet away from home plate, a place where no one ever goes. Goodness. I'm not gonna criticize Yoenis for taking a moment to admire that thing, because any of us might have done the same. "I've hit longer home runs in Cuba," he told reporters following the game. Yeah, OK.
• Jay Bruce hit this 440-foot bomb off Edward Mujica in Cincinnati's opener on Thursday. Not too shabby. Crazy fact about Bruce: He just turned 25 last week. Bruce is only now entering his prime, and he already has four 20-plus homer seasons on the resumé, with a career-best 32 in 2011.
• Here's Carlos Pena taking CC Sabathia very deep, nearly to the back row. That shot made me feel only slightly less terrible about Pena's $17 price tag in Tout. Carlos went 3-for-5 in Tampa's opener, delivering a game-winning RBI single in the ninth against Mo Rivera. So that's a pretty good day.
• Cameron Maybin walloped this thing an estimated 445 feet, one of the longest home runs you're likely to see at Petco. Maybin is another dude who seems like he's been around forever, but he's actually a day younger than Bruce. And both players are younger than Desmond Jennings. (Thanks for that, Rays. Huge win for International League-only fantasy managers).
• Please enjoy this impossibly deep upper-deck shot by Adam Dunn, which moved him into a three-way tie with Ken Griffey Jr. and Frank Robinson for the most opening day homers in big league history (8). Congrats on the odd record, Big Donkey. You're now just 10 homers shy of last year's total. Let's see if you can't get there by the end of April.
OK, just one more, by popular request...
• On Friday, Troy Tulowitzki reached the train track at Minute Maid Park, which ain't easy. So we can probably stop worrying about the elbow.