Zlatan Ibrahimovic shows Pep Guardiola his Golden Foot award

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Pep. I would tell you who I am, but I'm sure you already know. I am Zlatan. And I am a gracious winner. Which is why I'm here to rub this in your face.

It has been some time since we last met, but while you have been in New York spectating at golf and tennis tournaments like some sort of person who is interested in golf and tennis tournaments I have been winning prestigious awards in France's pancreas -- Monaco.

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Yes, Pep. The Zlat-tastic specimen who is in front of you -- and also behind you at all times -- is the winner of the Golden Foot award, an honor recognizing a particularly special footballer's results as an individual and as a part of a team, along with other factors like personality and the overwhelming respect of the public and so-called "football experts." There is only one footballer who surpasses all others on a grading scale of one to Zlatan in all of these categories and that, of course, is Zlatan.

Don't question the mathematical logic of that scoring system, Pep. Just think about how Cristiano Ronaldo did not win, nor did Neymar or even your precious Lionel Messi. Mostly because they did not meet the award's minimum age requirement of 29 years old, but also because they are not Zlatans. And again I will remind you that I am. I will also remind you that PSG are paying me a great deal of money while also paying you no money at all. Is this fair? No. It is survival of the Zlatanest.

This award was created in 2003, when I was at Ajax and just starting my wondrous career. Because they knew they had to invent a different award to offer me when the time was right and when you had retreated from the battle ground of football that I command with authority and ponytails. My foot is golden, Pep. Yours is iridium. Or something else equally stupid. Maybe pumpkin.

Though Ronaldo and Neymar and Messi weren't even nominated for what is suddenly the greatest award in football, Iker Casillas, Gigi Buffon, Andrea Pirlo, Didier Drogba, Raul, Clarence Seedorf, as well as Barcatoons Carles Puyol and Xavi were nominated. I beat all of them in many ways, Pep. Especially Puyol and Xavi. Now is the time when you realize you should've sold them to Milan instead of me. It's also the time when you realize that you need to buy a new electric razor. Because I used it on my Zlaint, Pep. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Black belt!

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