Louis van Gaal's seven-point plan for rejuvenating Manchester United

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
Louis van Gaal celebrates with Bayern in 2010. (Photo by Miguel Villagran/Bongarts/Getty Images)


Louis van Gaal celebrates with Bayern in 2010. (Photo by Miguel Villagran/Bongarts/Getty Images)

Manchester United have officially named Louis van Gaal as their new manager on a three-year deal with freshly retired Ryan Giggs staying on as his No. 2. The self-described "Party Beast" (who was dubbed "Van Hitler" by a Romanian paper for his ferocious ways) brings a much stronger personality and more fitting record of success than David Moyes, but what will he do to restore Man United as a title contender? Here's what to expect...

1. Demonstrating dominance through indecent exposure — Former Bayern Munich striker Luca Toni tells how van Gaal showed that he means business upon arriving at the club:

"The coach wanted to make clear to us that he can drop any player, it was all the same to him because, as he said, he had the balls," said Toni.

"He demonstrated this literally (by dropping his trousers). I have never experienced anything like it, it was totally crazy. Luckily I didn't see a lot, because I wasn't in the front row."

Consider this a warning, Marouane Fellaini.

2. Killing the fun — Van Gaal won the double with Bayern in his brief spell with the club, starting their current era of record success. Upon sacking van Gaal in April 2011, Bayern president Uli Hoeness said that the current Netherlands manager made everyone miserable.

"Success is one thing, fun another, but there has been no fun at this club for a long time, not amongst us (the board) and not with the players," said Hoeness in a press conference on Sunday.

"The idea they were behind the coach is already a fairytale."

The failings of Man United players went largely unpunished this season with Moyes taking the vast majority of the public blame. Van Gaal probably won't let this happen on his watch.

3. No shopping, no parties, but yes to sex — Before the start of Bayern's preseason training camp, van Gaal told the players the one thing they were allowed to do if they got bored in Riva del Garda, Italy.

"Rest yourselves now. Do not go shopping. No parties. Just rest. And if you get bored, play a little with your women.”

And don't go thinking he doesn't practice what he preaches. Van Gaal is no hypocrite. Here's some nightmare fuel:

"It is also very important that we still regularly make love with one another. We have a lot of fun together. Truus [his wife] is very loving, she knows me very well. And I always want to be spoiled. She does this very well.”

And you thought imagining Wayne Rooney with a grandmother prostitute was bad.

4. RAGE!!! — Sir Alex kept his players in line with the hairdryer treatment, but van Gaal seems to have perfected the snow blower.

5. Camera slapping — Sir Alex Ferguson had a zero tolerance policy with the press and van Gaal wil likely bring that back to the club, albeit with a dash more physicality.

6. Posing as a reporter and asking his players when they'll score — Though he doesn't have much patience for journalists, he is willing to do their jobs for them. Before a Champions League round of 16 match against Inter, van Gaal took the microphone during Mario Gomez's press conference. From Bild:

Everyone in the room looked to van Gaal. And the snatches very cheeky the microphone, surprised his attacker: "Mario, in which minute will you score a goal?" There was excitement in the press room, the party beast has struck again! The national team striker reacted spontaneously: "Coach, in what minute would you like?"

Gomez went on to score in the 21st minute of the match, but Bayern still lost on aggregate.

7. Demanding respect — Snub Louis van Gaal on television and he will stop the show dead in its tracks to call you out on it before walking off.

It should be clear by now, but the man does not play. He is either going to bring back the vengeful spirit of Sir Alex Ferguson and find success or fail for the exact opposite reasons as David Moyes. Either way, there will be balls.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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