Future News: Arsene Wenger starts zipper difficulty awareness foundation

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Arsene Wenger has announced the launch of a new foundation aimed at raising awareness for the zip related problems that plague humanity. The Arsenal manager has been ridiculed for his own troubles with his coat zip, which have repeatedly been caught by TV cameras — most recently during his side's 2-1 win at Aston Villa. But with this new non-profit organization, Wenger hopes to eradicate these issues both for himself and the others he claims are afflicted by this issue.

"It is not just me," Wenger assured reporters. "Thousands of people are affected by zipper related maladies every day. Whether it be a coat zip that doesn't clasp together or an overstuffed suitcase, this is a struggle many people endure all over the world. Again, it is not just me. I promise you."

Scroll to continue with content

Though Wenger has enjoyed a wonderful start to the season with Arsenal currently sitting atop the Premier League table, his ongoing zipper frustrations have been a distraction. But Wenger said that he has lined up corporate sponsors and personally put together a university level zipper education program to help him in this fight. Which he swears is not just limited to him. He added that the name of the foundation has yet to be finalized.

"There is still some paperwork to fill out, but it will be called the Zipal Marking Foundation," Wenger told the press. "No wait, that doesn't sound good. The Zippie-Uppie Foundation. No, that sounds like it's for small children, but this is very much an adult problem. Again, it's not just me. It's really not. The Zipover Foundation! Yes! I like that. Like stepover, but Zipover. Get it? Just to repeat, I'm not the only one who struggles with this."

When asked whether both he and humanity as a whole are currently faced with more pressing dilemmas than zipping trouble, Wenger replied, "No, I don't think so. Now that Sir Alex Ferguson has retired, this is as bad as it gets."

This has been Future News: news from the future.

- - - - - - -

Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

What to Read Next