DT Exclusive: David Moyes negotiates with David Moyes for Fellaini and Baines

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Just three months since David Moyes left Everton, his club for 11 years, to become Sir Alex Ferguson's replacement at Manchester United, he's attempted to do some transfer business with his old club. And it wasn't very well received. According to the Liverpool Echo, Everton called Man United's £28 million joint bid for Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini "derisory and insulting." The following is a transcript of 2013 Man United manager David Moyes negotiating with 2012 Everton manager David Moyes for the two players.

Man Utd Moyes: Hello, this is David Moyes, manager of Manchester United.

Everton Moyes: Hello, David! This is David Moyes, manager of Everton. How are you?

Man Utd Moyes: Quite well, actually. Won the Community Shield and beat Swansea 4-1. How are things at Accrington?

Everton Moyes: Everton, David.

Man Utd Moyes: Right, Everton. Everton. Well, I'll get to the point since I have a dinner with Justin Timberlake in half an hour. He lets me call him JT because we're friends now. He's a big Man United supporter, you know. Anyway, if you could get Accrington to sell us Baines and Fellaini for £28 million, that would be lovely.

Everton Moyes: I assume you mean £28 million for each of them and £56 million total?

Man Utd Moyes: No no, £28 total. It's a joint bid. All the big managers make joint bids to save time so we can do important things like laugh at the less fortunate and throw coins at Arsene Wenger so we can watch him scramble to pick them up.

Everton Moyes: Oh, is that how it is? You're just like all the others. Thinking you can push around the little guys to get whatever you want, whenever you want without fair compensation. You're just a Big Time Charlie.

Man Utd Moyes: You shut your trophyless ginger mouth! Now are you going to make sure I get Baines and Fellaini for £28 million or not?

Everton Moyes: No, I'm not!

Man Utd Moyes: I drive a Chevy Sonic from Manchester United's official global automotive sponsor!

Everton Moyes: I'm sorry to hear that, David.

Man Utd Moyes: Look, I'm sorry, David. This job is very stressful. There's a lot of pressure and I keep waking up in the middle of night and seeing Ferguson's face an inch from my nose, telling me that I better keep winning.

Everton Moyes: Nightmares?

Man Utd Moyes: No, he's literally there in the room with me. I don't know how he keeps getting in. Anyway, a bit of advice, David... Don't ever tell everyone that you're going after Cesc Fabregas. Just don't.

Everton Moyes: Who would be stupid enough to do that after all his "Barca DNA" nonsense?

Man Utd Moyes: I will beat you with a diesel engine from Manchester United's official diesel engine partner Yanmar!

Everton Moyes: That can't be a real sponsor, David.

Man Utd Moyes: It is a very real sponsor, David. I've had to memorize them all. It took three weeks.

Everton Moyes: I'm beginning to think you and I don't have very much in common, David. Tell me, how do you feel about Wayne Rooney?

Man Utd Moyes: He's a ballbag.

Everton Moyes: Well, we're in agreement there.

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