The NBA is in a state of chaos, the All-Star Game is stale, and I’m here to embrace it.
Let’s get crazier.
Anthony Davis requested a trade, Kristaps Porzingis got salary dumped and Kyrie Irving found himself at the center of both storylines, igniting a three-way race for super-team supremacy between the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks and Boston Celtics that might somehow pull Kevin Durant into its orbit and end the Golden State Warriors’ dynasty all in one summer. The All-Star Game can’t possibly live up to that drama, so we need to spice up the exhibition with a few tweaks to the rosters.
Here goes …
SF: LeBron James
PF: LaVar Ball
PG: Kyrie Irving
SG: Barack Obama
C: Anthony Davis
First off, we need LaVar Ball involved. He is terrible at basketball and thinks he is amazing at basketball, which is always an incredible wrinkle in pickup games. Seriously, check this dude out:
Lavar warming up to play MJ 🧐 pic.twitter.com/nULLgclHmF
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) January 5, 2019
Putting LaVar on LeBron’s team is perfect, because he’s been banished to God knows where, just so he doesn’t say anything too nuts, and LeBron was fully prepared to trade his son to New Orleans for Davis, so you know the elder Ball would start spewing some nonsense in an attempt to keep Lonzo in L.A.
Obama is pretty self-explanatory here. We’ve all heard the tale of the coolest pickup game ever in 2010, when Obama hosted everyone from Bill Russell to Magic Johnson to LeBron and Maya Moore. This way we get to see it on television and find out for real if Obama really does just go to his left all the time.
Then, you’ve got LeBron, Kyrie and AD. Kyrie will be recruiting Davis to the Celtics, LeBron will be recruiting both to the Lakers, and we will get a sneak peek of what life would be like if that happens. Plus, you have the real possibility that Kyrie and Davis freeze out LeBron in favor of LaVar and Obama.
Draymond Green: Every team needs a level of unpredictability.
Maya Moore: She’s a legend, and I want to see how she fares with Kyrie and LeBron.
Denzel Washington: As recently released-from-prison Jake Shuttlesworth from “He Got Game.”
Jason Segel: Did you know he won a dunk contest as Jason Collins’ teammate in high school?
J. Cole: LeBron hype man, exceptional trash-talker and bona fide Division I recruit.
Rajon Rondo: He gets everyone involved on his own team and pisses everyone off on the other team.
Trae Young: Every team needs a rookie to haze.
Carmelo Anthony: He hasn’t played in three months and we need proof of life.
SF: Giannis Antetokounmpo
PF: Kevin Durant
PG: Stephen Curry
SG: Michael Jordan
C: Donald Trump
Well, that escalated quickly.
I can’t imagine how fun it would be to see Giannis dunk on LaVar Ball or Barack Obama or anyone on Team LeBron for that matter.
You need KD and Curry to counteract LeBron and Steph. It’s basically a 2016 NBA Finals rematch, but with Draymond on the opposite side to bark in Durant’s ear all night about how he’s soft and won’t re-sign with the Warriors.
I’m not talking about prime MJ. This game needs 55-year-old Michael Jordan, just for five good minutes, so we can see how he responds to LeBron calling himself the G.O.A.T. Old MJ also needs a handful of possessions opposite LaVar to prove once and for all he can beat Lonzo’s dad one-legged.
Then, Trump. Obama needs his foil, and Trump did once say, “I was always the best athlete, people don’t know that.” This also gives LeBron, who called the president, “U bum,” a chance to dunk on him. I am not sure how Curry and Durant will respond to this team dynamic, but I’m all for seeing it unfold.
Marcus Smart: Like I said, every team needs a level of unpredictability.
Diana Taurasi: I feel like Taurasi and Moore have their own G.O.A.T. debate to settle.
Ray Allen: As Jesus Shuttlesworth.
Jason Sudeikis: Pretty great high school player. Seems like a good dude. Great dancer.
Nelly: Celebrity All-Star Game legend.
Chris Paul: He needs to settle his score with Rondo. Let it happen at the All-Star Game.
Luka Doncic: Let him torch Trae Young and tear the hearts out of Atlanta Hawks fans again.
Rudy Gobert: Deserves to make at least one All-Star team. Good Draymond beef.
Potential injury replacements: Steven Adams, Donovan Mitchell and Ben Simmons; Terrell Owens, Jimmy Butler and Karl-Anthony Towns; J.R. Smith, Kawhi Leonard and DeMar DeRozan; Joel Embiid, Russell Westbrook, DeMarcus Cousins, Mark Cuban and Treach from Naughty By Nature.
Who do you want to see in The Most Entertaining All-Star Game Ever? Let us know.
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