Bass: Bengals title worth ‘prison, ‘kidney,’ ‘last drink,’ ‘my soul’

Imagine what you would do for a Bengals Super Bowl championship.

“I’ll donate blood to hoxworth,” @tjstubenrauch tweeted to me, “and I hate needles.”

“Overcoming your hatred of needles to donate blood sounds like a great way of paying it forward,” I replied.

“We agree!” @HoxworthUC tweeted. “We will even hold your hand through it all :)”

Beautiful.

Your turn.

What are you as a Bengals fan willing to do or give up for a Super Bowl championship?

Bengals mock draftMichael Mayer, tight end from CovCath and Notre Dame, goes to Bengals in ESPN mock draft

Bengals Hall of FameA look at Willie Anderson's career milestones as Hall of Fame announcement nears

Bengals AFC title gameCarlos Dunlap: Kansas City over Cincinnati was 'sweet,' but NFL future is Joe Burrow's

* * * * *

I posed the question on Twitter this week, with the Super Bowl about to go on (alas) without the Bengals.

The inspiration came from a 2011 study by Dan Wann and others about the willingness of baseball fans to consider  certain desperate acts to guarantee a World Series title.

Check out the percentages of fans willing to consider these specific behaviors for at least a month:

– Give up all drinks except water: 58%

– Give up all sweets: 57%

– Go without shaving: 52%

– Go without sex: 51%

– Go without TV: 35%

– Stop checking social-networking sites: 46%

– Stop talking to best friend: 17%

– Wear same underwear: 17%

– Stop using cell phone: 16%

– Go without talking: 8%

– Go without bathing/showering: 5%

Now look at the percentages of fans willing to consider, at least minimally, these other unusual behaviors:

– Donate paycheck to charity: 75%

– Get permanent, team-oriented tattoo: 49%

– Donate organ: 47%

– Destroy favorite keepsake: 31%

– Cut off finger: 10%

Surprised?

Naturally, what fans SAY they would consider is not necessarily what they would DO. The researchers get that. Their methodology tries to help compensate for that.

Fans who felt more connected to their teams were more likely to say yes, according to the research –  especially fans of teams amid recent title droughts.

Can you relate?

The study never claimed to be conclusive, but is a great catalyst for our discussion. Today’s football might affect you differently than yesterday’s baseball. A lot of our habits have changed since 2011. And that study was limited to college students, average age of about 21, so a title drought was limited to the previous 15 seasons.

Fifteen seasons is like the Bengal Fan Starter Kit.

Try 0 for 55.

Which is long enough for some of you to say you would consider doing or giving up ...

“Almost anything,” @dinonugs248 tweeted.

“Anything,” @IKnowComedy53 tweeted in a Leonardo DiCaprio GIF.

“Everything,” @_MuddleBox, @hollandspencer4 and @MikeTheobald21 tweeted with various GIFs.

“My soul,” @ChaseStaley6 and @Double_A_WhoDey tweeted.

There it is, the pact with the devil.

Or, as some of you might call him, Roger Goodell.

* * * * *

You tried. Goodness knows, you tried. You wore the same unwashed jersey, sat in the same spot, followed whatever ritual brought the Bengals 10 straight wins. If only you had the power to bring another Super Bowl Sunday this year, another shot at that first Lombardi Trophy.

You still might feel raw over losing and the playoff plan, affecting what you say you would be willing to do or give up for a title.

“I would pray every single day,” @LOK3Y4EVER tweeted, “for excellent officiating during the entire regular season for all nfl teams that have fallen short because the inhumane act.”

Maybe you will feel differently later, directing your focus to a Bengals team coming off the greatest back-to-back seasons in franchise history and capable of even more.

“I'd not give up a thing,” @BrokenHillbilly tweeted. “Just as the Bengals better not give up on signing Pratt, Bell, Perine, and some OL and DB help.”

“Right now,” @BengalsCaptain tweeted, “I'm not giving anything up--we won't need to, because this team WILL win it all soon.”

The cool part about open-ended questions is that you never know where people will go. Cap led with his team faith, no surprise at all. Cap is such a good sport, I gave him a little good-natured prodding in another direction, and he responded as only he can.

“If I needed to,” Cap tweeted, “in order to secure a Lombardi, I'd go clean shaven by plucking each hair out by hand 🤣.”

Others needed no prodding.

@Cswenski1: “I would go to minimum security prison for one [1] month, but it has to be before the season starts.”

@JakeParrish14: “Skydiving and I’m petrified of heights.”

@Ggmuskie: “I would swim across the Ohio River to KY. One small problem I can't swim🏊🏊.”

@TimmBoots: “I have long said I would get a Bengals tattoo if we finally win one.  I am almost 48 with no tattoos.”

@William47747121: “My ex 😂😂😂😂.”

@Gm4898: “My wife.”

@Rcax29: “Always teased my wife I would sell the kids for just one championship. Remember I was jk they are in their 30's now so thats not gonna work anyway.”

* * * * *

As an homage to the 2021 study, I threw in a side question, asking what you would consider doing for at least a month to guarantee a Bengals championship.

“Working with 10 patients and no tech to help me out [nurse],” @SyTate77 replied.

Which sounds like quite the sacrifice, going without a nurse technician in the emergency department. Don’t worry, Sy assures, it would not hurt patient care. For a Super Bowl title, he could deal with the rest of it. “Man in the peak of Covid I went through worse lol,” Sy tweeted.

Want another monthlong commitment?

“Honestly anything,” @burrow2chase_ tweeted. “I would eat straight unseasoned dry chicken and only drink nasty club soda for a month if i needed to just to guarantee a bengals superbowl.”

Even our original question brought offers of food and drink for sacrifice.

@RiskandRewardZo: “Skyline Chili.”

@Dameghay21: “My favorite foods idc. I would give up anything you pick ! Doesn’t matter to me I just want the win lol.”

@BengalTzanet: “I would give up alcohol and coffee for a year 😊.”

@YenaleDT: “My $30K+ bourbon collection.”

@John_farvour: “That Super Bowl would be the last drink I ever had.”

And remember the 10 percent from the study willing to consider cutting off a finger? Unsolicited, some of you went there and beyond, most of which I can print.

@Stupidmammal1: “A finger.  Not a thumb or pointer though.”

@Rudygray32: “My pinky toe.”

@BigItaly42: “A kidney. I can survive with one.”

@JakesBaked513: “I’d cut off my left leg below the knee with a hand saw just let me see ONE sb win.”

* * * * *

You can’t control the Bengals, so your body parts are safe.

What if the bigger takeaway is gauging how much a title would mean to you ­and what you would just consider doing for it?

Or where you would consider going?

“I would deploy to Iraq again for another 15 month tour!”

@Mo_Betta_Kicks tweeted. “My last deployment I was forced to watch Pittsburgh beat Arizona which was upsetting being surrounded by nothing but Steeler fans but it honestly was an amazing game!”

Or how creative you could be to help?

“$100,” @hawkeyestrike tweeted. “You see if the Bengals organization held a raffle for $100 for four season tickets for four years. That is four seats at pay core for four seasons. If 400,000 Bengals fans entered it would be 40 million for them to spend on the talented players.”

Or, like our blood donor-to-be, how you could pay it forward?

“I would donate every single dollar in my bank account ... to Joey B’s foundation,” @DrewMills21 tweeted.

Or how the depth of your sacrifice already shows?

“35 years of my life,” @rscottlow tweeted, “credited for time served.”

“I already gave up most of my childhood, teen years and adult years in disappointment,” @Christo0135807 tweeted, “what else could you ask for?”

Or that you would forgive the future for one moment on top?

“In 2019 I said give me 3 absolutely awful years for that LSU natty,” @sabakiballkid tweeted. “Give me 5 for 1 ring. We could negotiate to 10 awful years.”

“After 30 lean years, give me the Super Bowl and the next ten years can be lean and I wouldn’t complain a bit,” @WishartEric tweeted. “I’d mortgage the next 10 just like the Rams did.”

No, you cannot control the result, but you can control whether to make a vow and follow through with it, any act of sacrifice or benevolence or joyful lunacy you would do WHEN (not if) the Bengals win the Super Bowl, if it adds to the experience.

What would you do?

This article originally appeared on Cincinnati Enquirer: Mike Bass column on Bengals fans and fallout from loss