A.I. Bohls: University of Texas beats Rice University 52-10 at DK(no period)R to open year

Texas' Quinn Ewers, who plays quarterback, will call signals against Rice University in a college football game that will consist of four quarters of 15 minutes each, according to AI.
Texas' Quinn Ewers, who plays quarterback, will call signals against Rice University in a college football game that will consist of four quarters of 15 minutes each, according to AI.

I don’t get what all the fuss is about. I really don’t.

I know a number of newspapers and media outlets are tapping into Artificial Intelligence to handle their high school football recaps and more sporting events in the future, and it makes perfect sense to me.

So I researched ChatGPT and petitioned AI to fill in for me today (so I could take off for a neighborhood Egg Fry on my sidewalk) and write this Saturday's Rice column to meet deadline and all. Here it is:

By Art Intelligentsia

AUSTIN — There was an intercollegiate football game played Saturday at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, which was named for some former University of Texas Longhorns coach who danced with whoever brung him and who loved country western music.

The facility was filled to the brim with patrons.

(K does not have a period because Darrell K Royal grew up during the Dust Bowl, and there was a severe shortage of periods then so the University of Texas honors him with a period-less homage.)

The University of Texas played Rice University, a school of higher learning in inner-city Houston that offers 50 undergraduate majors and consistently ranks in the top 20 schools in the United States, on Saturday in the afternoon when it was really hot. The two teams used to play a lot back when they were both in the Southwest Conference, which like the Pac-12 no longer exists.

More: Bohls: Yeah, I'm going all in on these CFP-bound Texas Longhorns this year

At the completion of the game, which consists of four quarters of 15 minutes each, the University of Texas defeated the Rice University Owls by a final margin of 52-10. Fifty-two points are a lot. Ten are not.

It was the first game of the season for both intercollegiate football programs. Both entered the season with identical 0-0 records.

Texas consequently is now 1-0. Rice falls to 0-1.

More: On Second Thought: CBS Sports' Dennis Dodd on Texas' lofty expectations, realignment

Texas scored first when Quinn Ewers, who plays quarterback and received much offseason acclaim for getting a haircut, threw the ball a long way in the air to Xavier Worthy, who plays wide receiver. The play came on third-and-8, which means the Longhorns needed a minimum of 8 yards to retain possession. However, Worthy caught said ball and ran unmolested into the end zone. Looked like it might have been 40 yards. Maybe even longer.

The Texas-Royal Memorial Stadium crowd Saturday for the game against the Rice University Owls included the home crowd wearing burnt-orange clothing. They did this because burnt orange is the color of the school, according to AI.
The Texas-Royal Memorial Stadium crowd Saturday for the game against the Rice University Owls included the home crowd wearing burnt-orange clothing. They did this because burnt orange is the color of the school, according to AI.

It was scored by the finely attired officiating crew as a touchdown, which in college and most other leagues that are not futbol is worth six points. Texas got an additional point when Bert Auburn kicked a football in between the two vertical posts. It’s called an extra point, which can sometimes come in handy except in this case.

Texas scored second, too. And third and fourth.

Jaylan Ford, who plays at a position called linebacker because logically he plays in back of the line, caught a pass from Rice quarterback JT Daniels and ran the other way because said pass was not supposed to go to him. This, in football parlance, is called an interception. (Daniels is known for attempting to play at as many different schools as possible before he exhausts his eligibility and admissions officers’ patience, we presume because he’s trying to avoid paying campus parking tickets.)

Regardless, this gentleman Ford huffed and puffed and ran in the opposite direction an even longer way than Mr. Worthy did precedingly. Mr. Ford was awarded a touchdown, which again is worth six points even if a player on the defensive side crosses the goal line. Mr. Auburn then used his leg to boot the ball over the horizontal crossbar connecting the two goalposts for yet another additional point, which Texas really didn’t need.

More: Golden: Unpaid but not undervalued Derrick Johnson mentoring Texas defensive players

This type of activity went on with a flurry for awhile with very much the same results. Lots of touchdowns were scored, and a good time was had by all except for the Rice University Owls.

Water was handed out at quite the discount at DK(no period)R because it was a warm afternoon with a heat index climbing to 113 degrees. The competition was equally heated, if uneven. The cost of the water was mitigated when Chris D. Conte (no shortage of periods when he grew up in California long after the Grapes of Wrath) underwrote the expense with help from his slush discretionary fund as part of his substantial raise apparently for hiring a terrific track coach and raising more money than Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund.

Rice University has long been noted for its higher academic repute and brought its quirky, well-synchronized Marching Owl Band to entertain the throng of 103,000 patrons, who were enjoying the discounted water. Included in the crowd was Big 12 Commissioner Brett Yormark, who said he came to Austin as a show of good faith and admitted he never really liked Rice University.

The Marching Owl Band is known for its sardonic humor and once was so warmly embraced by Texas Agricultural & Mechanical School that the Aggies didn’t even want the band to leave until they could properly thank them.

On Saturday, the Rice University band spelled out $EC-ya as a terrific gesture and tribute to their hosts for their pending move to the Southeastern Conference, a league of schools in 12 contiguous states, starting in 2024.

The University of Texas is playing its last season in something called the Big 12, which inexplicably has 14 teams and will grow to 16, we think. Even Rice University noted that the math does not really add up.

More: 'I wasn't where I wanted to be last year': Texas QB Quinn Ewers looks ahead to 2023 season

Stephen Sarkisian, who is the boss of the University of Texas Longhorns and who wore a nicely tailored three-piece suit of teal color and makes a salary bigger than even Chris D. Conte, had some very congenial remarks following the contest. Said contest took 3 hours and 43 minutes in duration, a very long timespan that allowed EMS ample time to treat the overheated customers.

Because no actual reporters were on hand to cover this event, Mr. Sarkisian pretty much gave a soliloquy.

This is what he said:

“This is a stupendous day for our University of Texas and for the world, which as you know we change daily,” Mr. Sarkisian went on. “Quinn Ewers, who plays quarterback for us, was magnificent. Xavier Worthy was spectacular. Jaylan Ford should win the Nobel Peace Prize. Rice University was a commendable opponent and did not put their Horns Down even one time, and it was much appreciated by our outstanding alumni and fans, who as we all know change the world daily.”

The University of Texas will play again next Saturday in Tuscaloosa against the University of Alabama, which has an elephant as its mascot because they are apparently an endangered species in that state. The fans of the University of Alabama are wont to cry out, “Roll Tide,” which doesn’t seem to have any correlation with elephants because they obviously don’t roll.

The University of Alabama is coached by Nicholas Lou Saban Jr., who has a very stern countenance and occasionally throws his hat and raises his voice so his assistant coaches can clearly hear him. The University of Alabama Elephants claim he is even superior to their old coach, who was an actual Bear and won a whole lot of games.

A query was sent to the University of Alabama sports information director to inquire why their sports teams are called the Elephants and not the Bears, but no response was forthcoming.

This is the end of the story about this athletic competition.

(Editor’s Note: AI hopes to cover the Texas-Alabama contest and said that writing such articles is a piece of pie, but admitted it was suffering slightly from writer’s block.)

As I said, what’s all the fuss about?

This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: A.I.: Texas defeats Rice University in college football game