27 Married People On Twitter Whose Spouses Probably Have No Idea They're This Brutally Hilarious
We rounded up some of the funniest recent marriage tweets we could find, and they are brutally hilarious:
1.
Petitioner requests dissolution of the marriage based on
2.
My wife is fed up
3.
When I tell my husband I just need to get one or two things as we enter a shop, and he goes to get a trolley Marriage level: Expert
4.
Sorry you finally folded towels in thirds only for your wife to tell you, “we roll them now.”
5.
If my husband wrote a cook book, it would be called How to Make a Meal Using Only Every Dish in the Kitchen.
6.
Husband: I wonder who keeps putting the neighbor’s reindeer lawn ornaments in sexual positions. Me:
7.
Secret to a successful marriage is to wake up and be the first one to say, “I didn’t sleep well”
8.
Welcome to marriage: You now have TV shows you aren’t allowed to watch without your spouse.
9.
The jack-o’-lanterns on my neighbor’s porch look like my wife and I twenty minutes into an argument about where to eat.
10.
Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were
11.
My husband eating pizza in bed over our new duvet cover shows he's really not scared of me anymore
12.
Women aren’t complicated. We want love, attention, and a grande carmel macchiato in a venti cup, one quarter 1%, one quarter almond, extra hot, light on the foam, 1 packet of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and two short sprinkles of cinnamon.
13.
Wife: You smell like bacon.Me: Thanks.Wife: It wasn't a compliment.Me: There's literally only one way to take that.
14.
My wife's favorite spatula for I don't know...20 years broke on me this morning. Could I stay with you for just a couple of days?
15.
I bought 14 some new bed sheets so he can change them more frequently. My husband said that he can now regularly… “sheet the bed” They high-fived and laughed hysterically as I poured another glass of wine.
16.
I’m sorry for what I said when my husband put all my bras in the dryer
17.
Husband: I got you some reindeer antlers for your car. Me: I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t just say that.
18.
My wife just lit her Yankee Christmas Cookie candle so I guess it’s really happening.
19.
Me: We need to buy a little bowl for the hermit crab our 3rd grader is bringing home from school. What my husband heard: Buy a 36 gallon tank complete with Hogwarts Castle.
20.
Me: What's for dinner?Wife: Salad.Me: I mean, after the salad.
21.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
22.
My husband asked me if our new hand towel was for decoration only. Is there an award? I feel like he should get an award.
23.
wife: you want to try these cheese crackers made from cauliflower?me: [already on the phone with a divorce attorney]
🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣🥚🐣
This egg has already hatched. Keep looking for easter eggs for a chance to be a winner of our 5 Days of Giveaways!
24.
My husband has perfected the art of telling me he needs something from the store as soon as I get back in the car
25.
me: *groaning* I think I ate too many brussels sprouts wife: you had two me: like I said
26.
I’m considering polygamy so someone else can answer my husband’s questions mid-movie.
27.
Husband: where’s my penMe: in the drawer...H: which drawerMe: the top drawer...H: which top drawerMe: in the kitchen ...H: where’s the kitchen
