Only a 15 percent tipper at Hooters?! What a bum!

Say what you will about Alex Rodriguez -- and a heck of a lot is being said today based on the nuggets reportedly contained in SI writer Selena Roberts' new book, "A-Rod" -- but even in the midst of the storm that looks as if it will never end, he remains the the most vital Yankee.

Whether you like him or not.

Sure they crawled back above .500 with a couple of wins in Detroit. And with gems from Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain, the mystery known as Chien-Ming Wang and the Yankees' pitiable bullpen aren't quite DEFCON 2 as it was a week ago.

But we now know this: The Steinbrenner millions spent during the offseason to acquire brand-name talent won't bear a dime of dividends without the team's biggest brand name, A-Rod -- whether you hate him or, well, hate him.

And admit it, you might actually miss him. The Yankees sure do.

If he were here, the players would be able to do what they would typically do -- blame him for everything from Wang's wayward pitches to Hideki Matsui's sore knees to the cost of front-row seats at Yankee Stadium (pre "sale" prices, of course).

Without him? It's quiet as a monastery.

And go ahead, name their interim third baseman. It was supposed to be Cody Ransom but he and his .180 average are on the disabled list. So far, the Yankees hot corner has been an igloo, with three guys producing just five runs and six RBIs in April.

Mark Teixeira, the man who wrangled a $180 million free-agent deal in the worst recession since the Great Depression? Without A-Rod to protect him, he's just barely batting above .180, at .200 with only three HRs and 10 RBIs. Last April, A-Rod had those numbers in a week.

The Yankees also miss Rodriguez's swagga. A-Rod may be an L-Rod (as in lightening) for all that has gone wrong with the team since he slipped into pinstripes, but without him this is a cast of aging or relatively faceless stars and kids with unfulfilled potential.

They're the Royals (who happen to have the same 12-10 record, by the way).

This is a team with great talent, not a great team. And it won't have a chance of being one until Rodriguez returns, which may be soon, according to new reports. He's been taking batting practice, sliding and running bases.

He went 1-for-6 in a minor-league intraquad game and will play in an extended spring game at Bradenton, Fla., Friday afternoon.

"It's been a long time," he said.

Don't the Yankees know. He can't reach Yankee Stadium soon enough for the team that needs him more than it would like to believe.

But now they know: They need him because he's the new straw, even when the drink is curdling.

AP photo