In anticipation of Euro 12, Dutch supermarket chain C1000 produced a music video featuring stars of the Netherlands team and hundreds of the little birdie toys it's offering fans/potential shoppers.

During the video, you'll see Nigel De Jong's teammates sticking the orange toys to his head, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar almost eating one (but it wasn't made of grass, so he didn't), someone putting three on a kebab stick and grilling them, plus Arjen Robben sticking them to his backside and bending over. In other words, it's...strange.

And now we must wait and see if these things horrify the world by bursting out of Robin van Persie's chest during a group stage match.

Video via 101gg

Ring the bells and wake the children -- the King of Old Trafford, Portuguese sensation Bebe, is returning to Manchester United after his almost not completely terrible loan spell in Turkey. The 21-year-old Sir Alex Ferguson bought sight unseen for £7.4 million in August of 2010 has yet to be unloaded and never spoken of again, so he will now rejoin Man United until that inevitably happens.

And how did his year-long loan with Besiktas go? Well, you can't improve on perfection. From the Telegraph:

Shortly after Chelsea beat Bayern Munich in a penalty shootout to win the Champions League final, Fernando Torres reportedly claimed that he volunteered to take one of the all-important shots, saying, "I wanted to take a penalty but they didn't let me." And now video showing the moment Roberto Di Matteo left him out of the order makes it clear that Torres didn't hide his frustration.

With the score 1-1 after extra time, Di Matteo gathered his players and announced the order in which they would be taking the shots. When Torres didn't hear his name called, he threw up his hands and turned to walk away, but the Chelsea interim manager grabbed him by the arm and tried to calm him down before the decisive shootout.

Back in March, while Torres was still in the midst of his scoring drought, Juan Mata offered him the chance to take a penalty during Chelsea's 2-0 FA Cup fifth round replay win over Birmingham in his place, but Torres refused.

But now, Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay insists everything is fine and Torres will be playing a key role for the European champions now that Didier Drogba has decided to move on. From the Independent:

"We've got Fernando Torres. And Fernando Torres is the man that we will go forward with and Fernando Torres will score us the goals. I have no doubt about that. Fernando Torres is a world-class centre-forward and Fernando Torres will score goals for Chelsea. I'm not worried at all. We've just won the Champions League and Fernando Torres played his part in that.

"He was disappointed that he didn't play, and I think that led to the rest. Things are fine. There is no problem. Fernando is a fantastic player and an asset to the football club and we have no problems at all. It's not all about goals. It's not just about the individual scoring goals, his teamwork... he is a very, very important player. And I think you will see Fernando Torres score many goals for Chelsea."

And no, he didn't start laughing after he said that. Presumably.

It's been a tumultuous few months for Argentine Primera Division side Racing Club. First, Teo Gutierrez threatened his teammates with a paintball gun after they reacted negatively to him getting sent off in a losing effort, then fans threw crutches on the pitch during a Copa Argentina match to protest the team's poor form and now, they're combining those two incidents by threatening members of the team at gunpoint.

Racing Club players Giovanni Moreno and Federico Santander were leaving training together when another car cut them off and blocked their way. Two men then got out of the car and the situation took a sickening turn.

From Reuters:

"They told Gio they would shoot him in the legs and would ruin his career," Paraguayan Santander told a radio interview late on Tuesday.

"I thought they were going to shoot him. He was terrified as I was. I'm frightened, I don't know what to do.

"They said that if we did not win the game, we would suffer the consequences."

Moreno's agent Agustin Jimenez told the Fox Sports cable channel: "They put a gun against his knee."

The incident happened after it was reported that Colombian Moreno could leave the club and join rivals River Plate.

Well, that's why the fans thought Racing players could use some crutches. But shooting players on a team that is currently in 16th place every time they fail to win seems counterproductive. With only four wins through 15 matches in the clausura, Racing's entire starting XI would already be out of commission had the barra brava started this at the beginning of the season. And let's just say it's a good thing Blackburn fans didn't resort to this either. The chicken would've been all that's left of that club.

When kicking off, you don't usually see footballers take a David Luiz style run up to the ball and fire it at the opposing team, but the kid at the start of this video decided to give it a try. And after kicking the ball and charging ahead like an invading army of one, a player on the opposing team decided to blast the ball right back where it came from, resulting in the aggressive kick-off kid getting smacked in the face and launching backwards through the air.

As the flying kid's father notes in his YouTube description (he uploaded the video apparently), "My son learned a lesson the hard way. ... Best thing of all is that he got up and kept playing and his team ended up scoring. What a tough kid."

Except to see Rino Gattuso give this a try wherever he ends up playing next season.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events.

Just three days after Arjen Robben missed a penalty kick that might have won the Champions League final for Bayern Munich, his club hosted his national team -- the Netherlands -- for a friendly in the same stadium that housed his nightmare. And though some of the 33,000 fans in attendance at the Allianz Arena were forgiving, others booed Robben's every touch of the ball after he entered the match as a second half substitute for the Netherlands, who lost 3-2.

Robben's international teammate (and former Bayern teammate), Mark van Bommel, was not amused by the harsh response. From Goal.com:

"It's a disgrace. When you look at what Robben has achieved in his career. He led Bayern to the final at Madrid and is so important to the club. Bayern should be really happy to have a player like him," the veteran told SBS6 after the match.

"Arjen has signed a new three-year contract but if I was him I would think twice about my future. I don't know what Arjen will do, but I would think about leaving the club if I was him.

"Nobody from the club supports him, I'm the only one that supports him in the press. Mentally he is very strong. Everytime something bad happens to him, he comes back stronger."

"Bayern Munich should be ashamed," Rafael van der Vaart told Bild, echoing Van Bommel's sentiment. "We expected no such thing. It's embarrassing."

Funny enough, Arjen Robben was the sole reason the match was played in the first place. From Reuters:

The match was organised to compensate the Bavarians after their Dutch winger Arjen Robben aggravated an injury playing for the Netherlands at the 2010 World Cup.

Bayern complained angrily at the time that Robben should not have played and he missed several months of the following season.

But the timing of the match could not have turned out worse for Bayern, coming hot on the heels of Saturday's defeat.

And now they probably wish Robben had gotten hurt while playing for the Netherlands right before Saturday's match. But as difficult as this has been for Bayern fans, it's been much, much worse for Robben himself. This was the fourth major cup final he's lost in the last two years (World Cup final, two Champions League finals and the DFB Pokal final). At Bayern's end of season party on Sunday night, he looked absolutely miserable...

After a few days of intensified speculation and rumors, Didier Drogba brought a relatively swift end to the guessing over his future and announced he will leave Chelsea when his contract ends in June.

As Drogba told ITV, he decided that winning the Champions League was his chance to follow the Seinfeld method and go out on a high note like George Costanza.

"Winning the game was the turning point, " he said. "That's why I decided - we made history all together and I want people to remember that - and I think that's the best time to move on."

As sad as it is to see him go, Drogba really didn't have anything left to prove after winning the Champions League. He scored 157 goals in 338 matches for Chelsea, won three Premier League titles, four FA Cups (becoming the only player to score in four FA Cup finals), two Carling Cups and two golden boot awards. He successfully vanquished all disgraces and accomplished everything he could've hoped, so now it's time for something new.

Here's Didier's parting message to his fans...

And now, here is Kitier Katba's parting message to all of his fans...

"I guess this is goodbye. I'd thank all of you like Didier did, but you never gave me chicken nuggets as often as I wanted them so the vast majority of you can shove it. I will definitely miss Katou the least, though. He and his owner, Salomon Kalou, were a constant, unrelenting annoyance to Didier and I. For example, Salomon decided to shave matching giant bugs into his hair and Katou's fur for the Champions League final. It was the dumbest thing I've ever seen, but he loved it and tried to convince Didier to do the same thing, totally ignoring the fact that Didier's hair is a work of art and my fur is filled with cheese dust that I lick up whenever I need a snack. That was an ignorant f***ing disgrace. Anyway, he's all Daniel Purridge's problem now. See you around, boners."

Citta the elephant consumes a football

Paul the Octopus wowed us with his soothsaying skills during World Cup 2010, but he has since moved on to the exploitative aquarium in the sky. Since his passing, man has longed for a new animal-based method of predicting football results. The Champions League Llama may have a 100% record by calling Chelsea's unlikely victory over Bayern Munich, but Poland and Ukraine are each boasting their own zoo creatures to help gamblers who don't want to rely on statistics and facts when making game predictions.

Ukraine will be acquiring the services of a two-year-old pig, who — much like Wayne Rooney — loves drinking beer and eating fries in his down time. Instead of ending up as a key component of the Ukrainian national dish of sliced hog fat, the imaginatively-named 'Psychic Pig' will be at the heart of the action throughout the tournament, says Mercury News:

[...] He will be brought to a specially-built house in central Kiev outside the Olympic Stadium, where some of the Euro 2012 matches will be played. Ahead of each game, he will be asked to indicate the winner by deciding whether to eat from one of two plates of food, each marked with the national flags of the teams playing.

Poland, meanwhile, will be placing their faith in Citta the elephant, a resident of Krakow Zoo who beat off fierce competition from a parrot and a donkey by correctly selecting Chelsea as Champions League winners. Before each game, she will be offered an apple emblazoned with the colours of each competing nation.

It isn't clear what happens in the event of a draw, or if Citta and Psychic Pig's predictions contradict one another, but the public's insatiable appetite for animals making arbitrary food choices will ensure you'll be hearing plenty more about these zoo dwellers in the next few weeks.

We saw Barcelona's 2012/13 fuzzy striped home kit before it was officially released, so the real shocker of Tuesday's unveiling was the orange and yellow away kit. Sort of like staring at the sun after squirting alcohol into your eyes, the club's official website describes it as "a veritable array of vibrant colors to celebrate the team's dazzling football."

It continues:

The FC Barcelona change strip for the 2012/13 season merges orange and yellow in honour of the city's culture, art, style and architecture. It has a classic orange collar with the famous Barça colours on the nape and sleeves. The back of the shirt also features the Catalan flag, and the 'More Than a Club' slogan on the inside of the collar, written in a typeface was specially chosen to reflect Catalan architecture.

I'm not sure I've ever heard a bright orange collar described as "classic" before, but if orange and yellow are accurate reflections on the city's culture, art, style and architecture then, clearly, the entire city is on fire. Hopefully Leo Messi keeps his Lego collection in a flame-retardant room.

Here's the comparatively subtle home shirt...

The most hyped player available in the summer transfer window will be 21-year-old Belgian international Eden Hazard. His impending move away from Lille has already been scrutinized to the point where ESPN was fooled by a fake Manchester United site claiming he has already signed for the Red Devils. But who is this manchild who seems to be deriving great pleasure from the international guessing game he's created? Here is all the information we assume to be true about him.

-Born in La Louviere, Belgium on January 7, 1991 after his mother spent nine months telling hospitals all over the country that she might have her baby at their institution. His birth in La Louviere was unplanned, as she ran out of time to expand her campaign into France and Germany.

-Since Eden was old enough to read the Bible, he has never doubted that the Garden of Eden was named after him and that Adam and Eve are his sworn enemies for eating his fruit without asking his permission first.

-As a child, he was only told "no" once. He thought it was a synonym for "candy."

-His mother, father and younger brother have all played professional football (his two youngest siblings are in AFC Tubize's academy). Eden decided to play himself just to overshadow all of them.

-He became the first foreign-born player to win the Ligue 1 Young Player of the Year award for the 2008/09 season -- an honor he took the following season, as well. He then won the Ligue 1 Player of the Year award for the 2010/11 and 2011/12 seasons. This season was his best as a professional, scoring 20 goals (including a hat trick in his final match) with 16 assists. He requested a "Ligue 1 Batman of Infinity" award to more accurately recognize his achievements, but his request was denied.

-Hazard's skill and speed have drawn comparisons to Cristiano Ronaldo, Zidane and Thierry Henry, though Hazard is unaware of this praise since he usually loses interest in a sentence after he finishes reading his own name.

-Eden already has 26 caps for Belgium, or as he puts it, "Belgium has 26 caps for Eden Hazard."

-He helped Lille to the Ligue 1 title and Coupe de France double in 2010/11 -- the first time they have won either trophy in over 50 years. This is a measure of time that is nonsensical to Hazard because he is not yet 50 years old.

-He was so sure he would move on at the end of the season that Nike put together a teaser video in January that featured a smirking Eden Hazard sitting in a chair and holding cards that read "What's Eden Hazard's next move?" even though he still had four months left to play with Lille. He spoke of the possibilities like a John looking over his choices in a brothel.

-He's been linked to everyone from Spurs to Real Madrid, but he seems to have narrowed his choices down to the Premier League trio of Manchester United, Man City and now that they've won the Champions League: Chelsea, reportedly with a wage demand of a massive £200,000 per week and the stipulation that whichever club he selects changes their name to Eden Hazard Wolf Gang Kill Them All FC. Which, admittedly, sounds pretty awesome.

-Nicklas Bendtner thinks he's full of himself.

-He often mistakes mirrors for televisions showing a documentary of his life.

-He nearly starved to death when he kept a waiter guessing for days as to whether he would choose the spaghetti bolognese or the fish special.

-His favorite color is Eden Hazard.

-Instead of choosing just one club, he will sign with Man United, Man City and Chelsea in an unprecedented timeshare type arrangement. The clubs will agree to this because they are incapable of refusing the demands of footballers and if they don't do it, three other clubs will. Right?

Previously: Everything you need to know about Papiss Cisse, goal machine

In a game full of drama, toilet paper and tennis balls, Montpellier beat Auxerre over the weekend to win its first-ever Ligue 1 title — much to the chagrin of its oil-rich rivals at Paris Saint-Germain.

On April 15, Montpellier's outspoken president Louis Nicollin told French TV channel TF1 that he would sport a mohawk like PSG winger Jeremy Menez if his club finished first. He also said he would dye it orange and blue to match his club's colors.

True to his word, Nicollin appeared Monday on TV channel France3 sporting a haircut that isn't quite befitting of a portly 68-year-old French businessman. According to French paper L'Équipe, Nicollin also placed a disturbing new wager on his team's future success:

"If we win the Champions League next season, I shave everywhere."

And now you have an excellent reason not to back Montepellier's upcoming European campaign.

H/T @tomwfootball

Santos Laguna beat Monterrey 2-1 in the second leg of the Mexican Primera Division final to win the clausura on an aggregate score of 3-2. Last month, it was Monterrey who beat Santos on a 4-3 aggregate score in the CONCACAF Champions League final, so these two sides have played four matches with the titles on the line in about as many weeks.

Instead of creating a vitriolic bitterness between the two sides (which seems customary these days), it apparently created feelings of respect between worthy adversaries -- something that was previously only thought to exist in children's films and the 1950s. So after the final whistle, Monterrey didn't wallow in their own sadness or storm back into their dressing room, they stayed on the pitch and lined up to give the Santos players a guard of honor (or pasillo de honor) as they went to collect their winners' medals.

Here's video of the post-match festivities (relevant part starts at about 4:40)...

Though the pasillo is a tradition in Spain, this was an unusual but classy move for a Mexican club and a nice reminder that sportsmanship isn't quite dead yet after all.

Napoli beat Juventus 2-0 in the Coppa Italia final to spoil the end of Juve's undefeated season and finish Alessandro Del Piero's Bianconeri career on a sour note. For Napoli's Marek Hamsik, who sealed the win by scoring the second goal in the 83rd minute, it was also an end of sorts as he lived up to a promise he made about his trademark, powerful and robust mohawk.

From Football Italia:

He had pledged to chop off his 'crest' if Napoli won the trophy, so was scalped in the locker room after beating Juventus 2-0.

"Paolo Cannavaro and Christian Maggio cut my crest off. It was a promise I kept," smiled the midfielder.

He had done a similar thing when Slovakia qualified for the World Cup in 2010.

So it seems getting the chance to cut off Marek Hamsik's hair is a successful motivational tool for his teammates. Perhaps the ginger-bearded Andre Villas-Boas should have tried this while he was still at Chelsea.

A day after winning the Champions League in Munich, Chelsea returned to London and held its open-top bus parade to celebrate the season's cup double. The joyous occasion was celebrated with a few songs, including a rendition of "We Are The Champions" from Fernando Torres that was so off key, the cameras couldn't even show the singer, Didier Drogba leading the "Super Frankie Lampard" chant and David Luiz shouting his usual hilarious nonsense.

Near the end of the clip, Roman Abramovich -- who rode the bus along with his players -- was thanked for all he's done for the club and for a second it seemed like he might actually say something. But instead he just smiled and waved, wearing a pair of blue sunglasses atop his head and a Chelsea scarf tied around his neck.

After seeing this, we are now left to wonder just how entertaining a dinner for two between the boisterous David Luiz and the shy Roman Abramovich would be.

Because the season never ends anymore, Atletico Madrid has been playing friendlies in star striker Falcao's native Colombia even though its La Liga campaign just ended. During the first half of its match against America de Cali, the main attraction and king of the Europa League, scored with a spectacular scissor kick directly from Diego's corner kick. The opposing keeper was helpless against Falcao's gravity-defying blast into the top of the net and it's amazing the match wasn't abandoned right then and there so everyone could gawk at the replays of it.

After winning the Champions League final, Chelsea should consider this a warning of what's to come when it plays Atletico in the UEFA Super Cup at the end of August. Assuming, of course, it doesn't buy Falcao between now and then.

Chelsea proved that they had more lives than a video game character this season by beating Bayern Munich in a penalty shootout to win the Champions League final. It was a hard luck loss for Bayern, who had a total of 43 shots and 20 corner kicks to Chelsea's nine shots and one corner kick (which they scored on in the 88th minute) during 120 minutes of play. Bayern's Arjen Robben had a penalty saved early in extra time and yet another chance to win in front of the home crowd was blown when they lost the shootout 4-3.

We've never asked "What if it continued?" after a match that ended with a shootout, buy for this one we must. So...what if it continued?

-Everyone agrees not to give Bastian Schweinsteiger a hard time about hitting the post with his all-important penalty and then getting emotional because he's an awesome guy and not John Terry.

-Fernando Torres shoots, the ball turns into a unicorn.

-Roman Abramovich wonders if its worth spending billions of pounds to win football tournaments. He has his answer when he remembers how meaningless money is to him and that winning football tournaments is really fun.

-Toni Kroos shoots, Petr Cech saves it even though his helmet slipped down over his eyes and he sneezed at the same time.

-Angered by Chelsea's success with a defensive style of play, Xavi declares the Champions League dead to him and starts a new, segregated tournament only for teams with an attacking style of play. He calls it the "Superior Network of Brilliance League" (the SNoB League). Bayern Munich accept his invitation to join before he even sends it.

-Mario Gomez's first-half shot lands safely in a goal in Kuala Lumpur.

-Wearing his kit like the rest of Chelsea's suspended players, John Terry chews through his restraints and attempts to take a penalty kick. The spider carved into Salomon Kalou's hair bites him before he can.

-Arjen Robben regrets falling on top of his lucky hairbrush and smashing it into a thousand pieces.

-Andre Villas-Boas holds his fingers in his ears and shouts "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA." Then he resumes counting all the money Roman Abramovich gave him and giggles.

-The reality of a goalkeeper taking his team's third penalty kick in a Champions League final shootout and casually making it starts to sink in.

-Petr Cech saves Xherdan Shaqiri's shot before he even officially joins Bayern Munich.

-Arsenal fans' enjoyment of Chelsea snatching away Spurs' Champions League spot is completely ruined by Ashley Cole winning the Champions League before they have.

-Michael Ballack explodes in a cloud of bitterness and confusion. His spirit is pleased that most of the Ballack chunks landed on Philipp Lahm, though.

-The shootout is abandoned when Didier Drogba builds everyone a hospital, ends the entire concept of war and adds 10,000 years to the Mayan calendar.

-Despite his successes, Roberto Di Matteo gets sacked while he's on the toilet.

In what could be his final match with Chelsea, Didier Drogba proved to be Mr. Clutch and brought the London club their first Champions League victory in a game that went to a penalty shootout and included more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. But Drogba was far from the only key performer for Chelsea as they overcame a tumultuous season and criticism of their defensive style of play in the biggest way possible.

Playing Bayern Munich in Munich was always going to be a daunting challenge and the situation turned almost impossible when Bayern finally scored the match's first goal with a flukey bouncing header from Thomas Muller just seven minutes from full time after missing chance after chance despite Chelsea's defensive failings. Down 1-0 in the 83rd minute in a hostile stadium and with little offensive bite to speak of, Chelsea didn't wilt. Instead, they once again showed the resolve that led them past Benfica, Napoli and Barcelona in the previous rounds, came out of their defensive bunker and attacked with the necessary desperation.

And in the 88th minute, off their first corner kick of the match (Bayern ended up with 20), Didier Drogba propelled a bullet of a header into the top of the net for a shock equalizer.

Having stolen the momentum and put a bit of fear into their frustrated hosts, Chelsea seemed to have snatched control of the match. Early in the first period of extra time, however, Drogba was the one to surrender that control when he was shown a yellow card for a foul in the box that gave Bayern a penalty.

[Martin rogers: Chelsea makes good on Abramovich's $1.59 billion investment]

But Chelsea's other hero, helmeted goalkeeper extraordinaire Petr Cech, saved the penalty kick from former teammate Arjen Robben to keep his side alive. From there, both teams slipped into a nervous hesitancy as extra time drifted away and the match was forced into a penalty shootout to decide the champions of Europe. This brought back the nightmares of Chelsea's failure to beat Manchester United in a rain-soaked shootout in the 2008 Champions League final and those bad vibes were soon made momentarily worse.

Again Chelsea handed Bayern the advantage when their first shooter, Juan Mata, had his weak shot saved by Bayern keeper Manuel Neuer. But again Chelsea kept their focus. After trading a few successful penalties -- including one from Neuer himself -- it was Bayern's turn to slip up and Cech saved Ivica Olic's attempt. Ashley Cole blasted his in for Chelsea and then the game took yet another vicious turn.

Bastian Schwiensteiger, who scored the winning penalty to put Bayern past Real Madrid in the semifinals, hit the post. He immediately covered his face with his shirt to hide his tears while Didier Drogba stepped up to the penalty spot and put away the winning shot for Chelsea (1:10 into the video).

Whether the 34-year-old Ivory Coast captain ends up signing a big-money deal with a Chinese club or stays with Chelsea a little longer, this was Didier Drogba's defining moment on the pitch. He's been a hero off the field -- credited with ending a civil war in his homeland and pouring millions of dollars of his own money into building hospitals where they're needed them most -- for some time and now he has the finishing touch on a glittering eight years with Chelsea to make him one on the pitch as well.

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Despite a variety of chances, Bayern Munich failed to score in the first half of the Champions League final. It seemed to be rushing its shots even though Chelsea had considerable problems in defense and it might have had something to do with the giant alien spider carved into the back of Salomon Kalou's hair.

Before the match even began, Didier Drogba seemed wary of it. It's unclear why Kalou had a spider cut into his hair for the Champions League final. Perhaps it's viral marketing for the upcoming "Spider-Man" reboot?

Since Bayern Munich are not only playing in the Champions League final, but hosting it as well, the locals are understandably excited. So excited, in fact, that a few of them decided to make themselves up to look like Bayern winger Franck Ribery, facial scars and all.

When Ribery was just two years old, he was in a car accident with his family, which left him with injuries to his face that required hundreds of stitches. Luckily, everyone survived the crash and Franck's injuries have had no impact on his brilliance as a footballer. And now, Bayern's prank king he has these jokers desperate to look like him.

This is it. Chelsea play Bayern Munich at Bayern's home stadium -- Allianz Arena -- in the 2012 Champions League final. Both sides are looking to make up for recent failures in this match. Chelsea lost the rain-soaked 2008 final to Manchester United after captain John Terry slipped and missed what should have been the winning shot in an excruciating penalty shootout, while Bayern lost the 2010 final to Jose Mourinho's treble-winning Inter. Are you excited? Because I'm breathing to the tune of "Raining Blood" by Slayer. (Full Disclosure: I'm a Chelsea fan and I still hyperventilate every time it drizzles.)

You can find serious business previews and primers for this match pretty much everywhere else online and in print. So here we will once again do it the Dirty Tackle way.

How They Got Here

Chelsea: An awkward start to the season resulted in new manager Andre Villas-Boas alienating himself from the club's older stars and getting sacked after just nine months with the club. AVB's assistant and former Chelsea striker Roberto Di Matteo stepped up as interim manager and the club's shift in confidence was immediate and profound.

Under Di Matteo, Chelsea beat a fashionable Napoli side in the quarterfinals and overcame demons of knockout rounds past by vanquishing the kings of Europe, Barcelona, in the semis.They've already salvaged their season by beating Liverpool to win the FA Cup, but by finishing sixth in the Premier League, they must win the Champions League final to qualify for the competition next season.

[Podcast: Predictions for the Champions League final]

Bayern Munich: Despite flashes of supreme dominance and beating Premier League champions Manchester City in the group stage and La Liga champions Real Madrid in the semifinals, Bayern have had their own disappointments this season. Finishing behind Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga for the second straight season and losing the DFB Pokal to the very same Dortmund-based tormenters in a 5-2 trouncing last weekend, losing another Champions League final the year they happen to be hosting is a monumental embarrassment they are desperate to avoid.

Bayern are only the fourth club to play a Champions League final at home. Previously, hosts Real Madrid beat Fiorentina 2-1 in 1954, Inter beat Benfica 1-0 in 1965, and Roma lost to Liverpool on penalties in 1984. I would make a comment about how perfect it would be if Chelsea pulled a Liverpool given what happened in 2008, but I've probably jinxed it already just by thinking such a thing and now I feel terrible.

Key People

Chelsea...

Didier Drogba (crusader against disgraces): Labeled both as someone who "can score at any moment" and "an outstanding actor" by Bayern manager Jupp Heynckes, Drogba is capable of carrying Chelsea on his powerful frame and scoring with his graceful brand of brute force while also controlling the clock with his prolonged bouts of questionable pain. In real life, he has stopped a civil war and builds hospitals in his spare time. He also has a cat named Kitier Katba (we assume).

Frank Lampard (midfield avenger of the undervalued): Stepping up as captain in John Terry's absence (more on that in a bit), Lampard was exiled by Villas-Boas before once again proving his clutch scoring ability (particularly from the penalty spot), which has made him one of Chelsea's all-time goal leaders. He drinks magnums of Budweiser when he wins trophies. And sometimes when he doesn't.

Petr Cech (goalkeeper/possible Batman): You might see the need to wear a protective scrum cap after suffering a fractured skull as a sign of weakness, but Cech derives unquantifiable powers from that helmet. And he's probably hiding somewhere behind you and sneering as you read this. Turning around to look for him will only make him angry.

David Luiz (the happy wanderer): Recovering from a hamstring injury that has kept him out of Chelsea's last few matches, it remains unclear exactly how big a role Luiz will play in the final (and judging by the photo above, he might not have even gotten past German customs officers). If he does play, he could very well be the Wild Card. Prone to migraine-inducing defensive lapses counterbalanced by an impressive ability to get forward and score goals, Luiz is capable of being the sole reason Chelsea win and the sole reason they lose all at the same time. He calls his Twitter followers geezers. And yes, he does look like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. This has already been established in cake form.

Bayern Munich...

Franck Ribery (squirter): The mad prankster who has been driving Bayern's success since 2007, Ribery likes his football flashy, his jokes practical and his prostitutes underage.

Mario Gomez (high on football): Only Leo Messi has topped his 12 goals in the Champions League this season and his 26 Bundesliga goals were also second best to Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Though he is often overlooked when it's time to name the most dominant players in Europe, he has rightful claim among the more widely known names. His hair is a sentient being.

Manuel Neuer (the Germanest goalkeeper): In his first season with Bayern since joining from rival Schalke, Neuer has proven himself to hostile fans in Munich while asserting his aggressive dominance. He had an uncharacteristically disastrous performance during the DFB pokal final, but he saved shots from Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka of all people during the shootout against Real Madrid. He might be capable of unhinging his jaw and swallowing Didier Drogba whole.

Arjen Robben (Mr. Glass): The former Chelsea man is explosive in the sense that he is incredibly quick and talented, plus he can also come apart at his fragile, fragile seams and shoot a major organ into the fifth row. A loud burp can knock him into the fetal position, but if Gomez isn't scoring, Robben probably is. Unless they both are at the same time.

And, as always, let's say every other player on both teams is key, too. If someone not listed here by name (like Chelsea's player of the year Juan Mata or Bayern's Bastian Schweinsteiger) scores or does something important, then we definitely did discuss them at length and knew they would do whatever it is they end up doing despite your faulty memory. Don't question it.

Key Suspensions

Both sides have fallen victim to the bucket of cold water propped above the door to the final that is UEFA's yellow card accumulation punishment. A total of six players have been cruelly suspended and will miss the match for acquiring three yellow cards each over the course of the tournament. Meanwhile, Chelsea captain John Terry is also suspended for earned a red card in the second leg against Barcelona for kneeing Alexis Sanchez up the backside.

Chelsea: Ramires (midfielder), Raul Meireles (midfielder), Branislav Ivanovic (defender) and John Terry (defender).

Bayern Munich: David Alaba (defender), Holger Badstuber (defender) and Luis Gustavo (midfielder).

So both clubs will be missing half their preferred backline (Terry and Ivanovic for Chelsea, Badstuber and Alaba for Bayern), but at least John Terry won't have to worry about slipping on another penalty kick. So...hooray?

[Related: Nike's superstar-filled Champions League final ad]

How They Win

Chelsea: Under Di Matteo, the keys to their success have been disciplined defending and an overriding belief in their ability until the final whistle. The freckled engine that could, £50 million man Fernando Torres, finally rediscovering his form and scoring a few goals has helped too.

Bayern Munich: They're capable of scoring seven goals on any given day (and they did it twice in three days back in March). This is terrifying.

Commentator Talking Points

Some words, phrases and points you're likely to hear from the match commentators...

-Constant reminders that Arjen Robben used to play for Chelsea.

-Constant reminders that Roman Abramovich could sack Roberto Di Matteo at any moment, including right after kick off.

-England v Germany World War II analogies.

-References to how great it would've been if Real Madrid beat Bayern and Barcelona beat Chelsea for an all Spanish final.

-"Bayern have home advantage...or is it a disadvantage? "

-"This is the last chance for an aging Chelsea team."

-"German efficiency."

-"Messi and Ronaldo really are great."

-There will be more, but it shouldn't take too long to find the mute button.

What To Do After The Match

If Chelsea win: I will find you and I will hug you.

If Bayern win: Many fine blogs have been written inside asylums, right?

Follow @BrooksDT on Twitter for dispatches from the edge of sanity and to chat during the match.

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Like the "Write the Future" ad/short film that debuted before the 2010 World Cup, Nike has once again assembled a mess of footballers for a bombastic, three-minute bit of Euro 12 advotainment that will air during the all-adidas Champions League final between Bayern Munich and Chelsea.

What starts out as a match between the Netherlands and France (with Pep Guardiola taking notes in the stands for some reason), is invaded by a third squad that multiplies quickly. Neymar, Gerard Pique, Andres Iniesta, Mesut Ozil, Mario Gotze and even LeBron James appear throughout the frenetic clip, but the climactic punchline is saved for Cristiano Ronaldo. And that's when the premise gets ridiculous. Like Ronaldo would ever be disheartened by having to wear a shirt that's too small.

At the end of the video (on the Internet version), the viewer is asked to "find the tunnels," which leads to a second, interactive film and may or may not set you up to be set on fire by Mario Balotelli.

Great news for fans of Green Street, Bend It Like Beckham and Soccer Dog: European Cup — the rich and illustrious canon of soccer in the cinema is set to be expanded with a Hollywood movie about FC Barcelona.

Paul Greengrass— the  Oscar-winning British director of United 93, The Bourne Ultimatum and Green Zone — is currently at the Cannes Film Festival looking for international backers for "an epic cinematic portait of FC Barcelona", which will focus primarily on the four years in which Pep Guardiola guided the Catalan giants to 13 trophies. The LA Times reports:

Titled "Barca," the movie will examine the process and legacy of one of the world's most famous sports franchises, looking at a team as it prepares for the 2012-2013 campaign, in which it will seek to reclaim its title in Spain's La Liga, with a particular emphasis on its successful run over the last several years. Greengrass aims to begin shooting the movie later this year, after he wraps his newest feature.

Much like Soccer Dog: European Tour, the movie has a strong potential for excellence, with Greengrass being joined by executive producer John Carlin (script writer who has also won awards in Spain for journalism) and editor Chris King (who worked on the stupendously good documentary Senna).

Greengrass is actually a fan of South London's very own Blaugrana, Crystal Palace. While promoting The Bourne Ultimatum on BBC radio in 2007,  he attempted to tease Spurs-supporting host Simon Mayo by claiming he would only make another Bourne film when Tottenham finished in the top four. Seeing as the Lilywhites have achieved that feat twice since then, we are owed another two (non-Jeremy Renner) Bourne outings when the Barca project is complete.

Following a dogged pursuit and intense negotiations, former Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola has been put in charge of every professional club in Europe. Even before stepping down from his job with Barcelona at the end of the season, Guardiola has been named as the prime target by a number of Europe's top clubs, including Chelsea, Liverpool and Milan. But instead of choosing just one position, Guardiola has decided to accept all of them.

"After winning everything with one team, I decided that winning everything with all of the teams would be my next challenge," said Guardiola at a press conference broadcast across the continent. "Since every club looking for a new manager -- and even those that weren't -- had me at the top of their wish lists, I felt that I couldn't let any of them down, so I accept all of the jobs. I hope the managers put out of work by this understand, but, at least now they can pursue a new career where they aren't constantly criticized for not being me."

Guardiola has decided to maintain a central command station high in the clouds above Europe, where he can keep an eye on his thousands of players and hundreds of clubs. This will also allow him to remain within earshot of the prayers from the many club owners who idolize him. Several executives offered to have a custom aircraft built to facilitate his wishes, but Guardiola declined, citing his ability to levitate.

"I'm not exactly sure how this will work," Guardiola admitted. "But FIFA will probably have to allow matches to be played with two balls next season."

When reached for comment, Jose Mourinho, the one manager who retained his job in the Guardiola takeover, said, "Bring it on, Pepperpot."

Not only has FC Dallas' visit to Columbus Crew provided us with a textbook throat-kick DTotD, but also a fine example of assistant referee abuse. FC Dallas' Brek Shea was unhappy with the linesman for calling a foul on him, and expressed his disappointment via the medium of volleying the ball directly at the official's stomach.

He escaped without a yellow card for the incident — as did the Crew's Tony Tchani for what looked like an obvious flop — but the U.S. national team midfielder wasreprimanded by MLS on Thursday with a three-match suspension and an undisclosed fine.

It seems like a reasonably strong punishment, but at least half of the fine has to be for that haircut.

Since the death of Paul, the oracle octopus who had a perfect record in predicting winners at the 2010 World Cup, there have been many other animals to copy his schtick and they have all been pretty terrible. But since Bayern Munich are playing the Champions League final at their home ground, Chelsea will need all the support they can get. Even if it's from a llama.

So, presented with the choice between Bayern and Chelsea, this snack food spokesman/llama resisted the initial urge to back the home side and went with Chelsea. Or, as the llama saw it: the blue thing.

Since this was a llama and not Paul, who was a true genius of our time, this was all a bit meaningless. But, hey, look at the llama!

Manchester United informed Michael Owen that they would not be renewing his contract after three years with the club. The 32-year-old made just four appearances for Man United last season and though he says he will play on elsewhere, his time with the club was special. And so, we look back on the many great memories we have of Michael Owen at Manchester United.

Feel free to play the Sarah McLachlan song of your choice as the emotions overcome you...

"The saddest thing in life is wasted talent," said Lorenzo Anello in A Bronx Tale. And so, one of the great footballers of his generation is hopefully on the verge of a more fruitful chapter in his career.

In the promotional materials for the upcoming 2012/13 Manchester United tablecloth jersey, manufacturer Nike has been proudly stressing the city's role in the Industrial Revolution. The "gingham" fabric of the new shirt was made famous by Manchester cotton mills in the 18th century, so therefore Wayne Rooney will have to dress like something you set up a picnic on throughout next season.

As part of their "Made of Manchester" promotion campaign, Nike posted the above image to the Manchester Utd Facebook page this week. It stayed live until someone realized the grim industrial landscape was actually an enchanting vista of Oldham, and not the city that's home to Old Trafford, the Gallagher brothers and the reigning Premier League champions.

Strictly speaking, Oldham is in Greater Manchester, but it is far enough from the city of Manchester to denote an epic marketing fail in this instance. According to The Sun, a spokesman has said "it will not be used in any other part of the campaign."

Unless they are planning to grind up Jonny Evans and sew him into the shirts, the "Made of Manchester" makes little sense. Nike's shirts are usually made in locations such as Morocco or Sri Lanka, and a company with a troubled sweatshop past should probably be the last to trade on and celebrate industrial heritage in such a superficial manner.

You may remember Vancouver's Eric Hassli for his chip and volley wonder goal against Seattle last season. Though his latest wasn't quite as astonishing, it was another exquisite volley worthy of playing on a loop.

With Toronto leading Vancouver 1-0 in the first leg of the Canadian Championship final at the beginning of stoppage time, Hassli found himself in open space inside the box and on the receiving end of an Alan Rochat cross, which he pinged into the top corner with grace and ease.

That salvaged a 1-1 home draw for Vancouver and gave Hassli his third goal in three matches after failing to score in his first eight matches this season.

Despite his regal status and winning the Carling Cup, Liverpool have sacked Kenny Dalglish, whose second stint as manager of the club lasted less than two years. Now faced with the daunting task of finding a manager to return the club to past glory, Liverpool owner John W. Henry must sift through the candidates to find the best one. The following is a transcript of his first group interview.

Henry: Thank you all for coming in today. You've all been asked here because we feel you are the best prospects to succeed a club legend and bring Liverpool the success we demand. Before we continue, Mr. Berbatov, I realize you're leaving Manchester United, but you should know that we're not looking to hire a player-manager here.

Berbatov: Oh, I'm not here for the job.

Henry: Then why are you here?

Berbatov: (To Linda) Well hello there. I see you've caught me crashing a job interview. Like me, you look good in red, but probably look even better out of it. Ha-HA!

Henry: Please don't talk to my wife like that. You can leave now.

Berbatov: Oh-OHHH! That's your wife?! I thought she was the sultry ghost of Anfield that only I could see, but anyone could seduce. Oh, this is terrible.

[Berbatov leaves through a window]

Henry: Anyway, I thank all of you who were actually invited for coming in. Now let's get to the first question. What would you bring to Liverpool that the other candidates wouldn't?

Roberto Martinez: I can guarantee that I will get Liverpool playing like a side doomed to relegation for the vast majority of the season and then save them from that terrible fate at the last possible moment. I will be hailed as a hero.

Henry: We'd like to think our team is far better than that, Roberto.

Martinez: And I would like to think I'm interviewing for the Man City job. But I'm not.

Henry: Fine. Brendan Rodgers?

Rodgers: I can bring a very attractive style of attacking football that will get the most out of the players available. I can turn Liverpool into Barcelona. The Barcelona that won titles, I mean.

Andre Villas-Boas: I have more money than I can count. Seriously. I started counting my payout the day I was sacked by Chelsea and I still haven't finished. Bank tellers start crying when I crouch down in front of them. And then they get really confused when I keep doing it.

Rafa Benitez: (coughs) Istanbul...

Henry: I'm sorry, what was that, Rafa?

Benitez: Istanbul.

[Rafa crosses his arms and leans back in his chair, falling over.]

Henry: Oh my -- Rafa, are you alright?

Benitez: (still on the floor) I am fine. I did that on purpose. Like when I quit Liverpool just so everyone would see how much the club needs me. Fact!

Henry: That's not a fact at all.

Bearded Man: I know this club better than anyone. Especially better than a four-eyed Yank.

Henry: Kenny, I can tell that's you wearing a fake beard. The left side is falling off.

Bearded Man: The name's Denny Kalglish...Pope Denny Kalglish.

Benitez: I knew you were real.

Henry: Kenny, as I said before -- I'm very sorry things didn't turn out better, but we simply must move on. And you should too.

Kalglish: Though Kenny Dalglish is a very handsome and intelligent man who collects Carling Cups like the valuable, impressive trophies that they are, I am not him. I am Pope Denny Dalglish- Kalglish! I meant Kalglish. And this job is mine.

Benitez: Wrong again, Kalglish.

Henry: Gentlemen, please! I'd like to get on with this interview if you don't mind. Now. We've had trouble with overpaying in the transfer market for players who underperform. How would you describe your style of business in that area?

Martinez: Shrewd.

Villas-Boas: Alienating.

Rodgers: I consider spotting undervalued talent to be one of my best attributes.

Benitez: I sold Xabi Alonso. And I broke this chair.

[Benitez falls forward, slamming his head on the table.]

Kalglish: Just let me sign Grant Holt for £85 million and everything will be fine!

Benitez: (From under the table) I will sign Alberto Aquilani for £90 million and that is my final offer!

Henry: We still own him! Look, it's become clear that this was a mistake. I'm sorry gentlemen, but we're going to go about this process a very different way.

Kalglish: So do I get the job?

Henry: No.

Benitez: Because I get it?

Henry: (Sighs) We should've bought Blackburn.

During Man City's victory parade on Monday, Carlos Tevez gleefully held up a poster that read 'RIP Fergie' that he procured from the crowd. The message was a play on Man United manager Sir Alex Ferguson's response of "not in my lifetime" when asked in 2009 if his side would ever be underdogs in a Manchester derby and prompted a quick apology from City.

"I got carried away in the excitement of the moment and I certainly didn't mean any disrespect to Sir Alex Ferguson, who I admire as a man and a manager," Tevez initially said. But now, true to form, Tevez has changed his tune.

Said Tevez on Wednesday (via the Independent):

"It seems Ferguson is the president of England. Each time he speaks badly about a player (and he has said the worst about me) I never asked him to apologise. But if somebody makes a joke about him, you must apologise to him. But I don't apologise. There's no relationship at all between me and Ferguson."

When Tevez moved from Man United to Man City in 2009, there was definitely bitterness between the two men and it seems Carlos is still holding on to that grudge tighter than a golf club while hiding in Argentina in the middle of a Premier League season.

Meanwhile, Zlatan Ibrahimovic is intensely jealous that he didn't think of the catch-phrase "but I don't apologize" first.

But the most shocking part of all this is that it now seems Tevez -- notorious for his refusal to learn English in his six years playing in England -- knows the language well enough to have done this on purpose. Next we'll find out that he's been sitting on a cure for cancer for the last decade and just hasn't had a desire to tell anyone. But he won't apologize.

Arsenal posted a curious set of photos on their Facebook page to promote this weekend's "Junior Gunners Camping on the Pitch" event. Per Mertesacker and Gervinho apparently lost a bet and had to pose for the photos wearing pajamas and acting as creepy as possible.

Have a look...

This, however, is still nowhere near as good as when Andrei Arshavin dressed up as a scout for the same cause.

Roy Hodgson announced his 23-man England roster for Euro 12 and, of course, there has already been criticism. When pressed on why he selected 18-year-old Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, his justification was a bit curious. From Fox:

"He's a very, very exciting player," Hodgson said.

"He's given one or two performances which have made quite an impression upon me, not least when Arsenal played Milan at the Emirates Stadium. I was there and saw how well he dealt with (Andrea) Pirlo and (Massimo) Ambrosini at the centre of midfield."

The problem? Andrea Pirlo plays for Juventus and Ambrosini wasn't even available to play that day.

Given that, here are Hodgson's justifications for the rest of his squad inclusions...

Joe Hart (Man City) -- I've never seen anyone stop shots from Pele like Joe Hart can. As Tina Turner once said, he's "simply the best." And how many footballers have a Tina Turner song about them?

Rob Green (West Ham) -- He made big saves against the U.S. in the last World Cup. He's got hands like a bear trap.

John Ruddy (Norwich) -- I have this joke where I walk up behind him at training and say "Ruddy good." Gets a laugh every time.

Leighton Baines (Everton) -- I once saw him take an important gold ring through Mordor. Left quite an impression on me.

Gary Cahill (Chelsea) -- I was there when he scored a tidy goal for Everton against Fulham. Plus he speaks Australian.

Ashley Cole (Chelsea) -- Told him that I like a few of his wife's tunes. He got a little teary, which shows heart.

Glen Johnson (Liverpool) -- I remember watching his launches into space. Very exciting astronaut.

Phil Jones (Man Utd) -- No other defender has handled LeBron James like he did in game 7 of the NBA playoffs.

Joleon Lescott (Man City) -- Threw a dart.

John Terry (Chelsea) -- Leave John Terry at home when I'm taking a squad full of footballers out of the country for a few weeks? I'm not stupid.

Gareth Barry (Man City) -- I said his name, fell asleep and when I woke up he was on the squad sheet. Odd.

Stewart Downing (Liverpool) -- Actually, I didn't get to see much of him this season. But for all the money Liverpool spent on him, he had to score or set up at least one goal this season, right?

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) -- He had his daughters ask me if he could be captain. How can someone say no to that?

Frank Lampard (Chelsea) -- Since we're playing the Olympics in London, I knew I had to take Frank.

James Milner (Man City) -- I have great affection for Mario Balotelli, but I couldn't select him, so I thought, "How about someone who knows him?"

Scott Parker (Tottenham) -- He laughs the loudest when I say "Ruddy good." Well, I haven't actually done it yet, but I imagine he would laugh the loudest.

Theo Walcott (Arsenal) -- I was sitting ringside when he beat the tar out of Lennox Lewis at the O2 Arena.

Ashley Young (Man United) -- Why not?

Andy Carroll (Liverpool) -- He single-handedly won the FA Cup for Liverpool. Kenny Dalglish owes him a lot.

Wayne Rooney (Man United) -- We're going to rely on him for our first two group matches. Wayne's the one player I definitely couldn't do without for even a minute.

Danny Welbeck (Man United) -- Already had eight goals in October, let's hope that form carries into November.

Jermain Defoe (Tottenham) -- He was brilliant on loan from City this season. He had a wonderful growth spurt and went from 5'7" to 6'3" in the offseason that really helped him.

Fortuna Dusseldorf's Bundesliga promotion/relegation playoff against Hertha Berlin teetered on the edge of mayhem before eventually succumbing to a premature pitch invasion that probably helped them hold on for the victory.

Dusseldorf won the first leg 2-1 and took a quick lead in the second leg by scoring in the first minute. Hertha would equalize, but had a man sent off in the 54th minute and Dusseldorf scored again just five minutes later, prompting anxious Hertha fans to throw flares on the pitch. And even after Hertha scored in the 85th minute to put the second leg level at 2-2, Hertha fans still threw more flares, pushing referee Wolfgang Stark to add seven minutes of stoppage time.

Dusseldorf fans encroached on the pitch as Hertha threatened to score again and with a minute left to play, they broke through and started tearing out chunks of grass. From Soccernet:

Hundreds of fans stormed on to the field of play with one minute of the game still to be played.

The teams were forced to leave the pitch as stewards and police tried to send the fans back into the stands, forcing a delay of 15 minutes while order was restored.

Both sides eventually emerged with Hertha seeming reluctant to return to play out the remaining 60 seconds before another pitch invasion greeted the final whistle, with Dusseldorf returning to the Bundesliga in dramatic circumstances.

So Dusseldorf replace Hertha Berlin in the Bundesliga and the early pitch invasion proves to be the very best way to protect a slim lead late in a match.

The MLS champion L.A. Galaxy visited the White House on Tuesday for the traditional winners ceremony/photo op -- an event especially notable since it brought together the most powerful man in the world and the President of the United States. And President Obama's brief speech about the team quickly turned into a roast of David Beckham (who brought some impressive Three Musketeers-style facial hair).

Obama introduced the 37-year-old Beckham as a "young up-and-comer on the team" before inviting everyone to giggle at Beckham's line of underwear.

"I have to say, I gave David a hard time. I said half his teammates could be his kids. We're getting old, David. Although you're holding up better than me.

"Last year at the age of 36, David had his best year in MLS. Leading the team with 15 assists He did it despite fracturing his spine halfway through the season and injuring his hamstring a week before the championship game. He is tough. It is a rare man who can be that tough on the field and have his own line of underwear. David Beckham is that man."

That got a laugh from Beckham and his teammates before Obama praised Galaxy captain Landon Donovan, who got the biggest cheer of the day despite his lack of a personal underwear brand.

Video of the ceremony right this way...

The final day of the Premier League season provided more entertainment than we could have possibly hoped for. And even though Man City came back to beat 10-man QPR with two goals during injury time to win the title, we still must ask the all-important question: "What if it continued?"

97' -- Mario Balotelli continues to be an upstanding citizen who quietly helps his team.

101' -- Everton realize that City finishing ahead of Man United means no one will know that they finished ahead of Liverpool.

108' -- Anton Ferdinand tells John Terry to stop trying to hug him already.

112' -- Though he was subbed out with an injury in the 45th minute, Yaya Toure continues to power the entire Man City team by running on a treadmill next to the bench.

119' -- Shaun Derry and Shaun Wright-Phillips decide to disband the QPR chapter of the Society of Shauns because John Terry keeps interrupting to hug Shaun Wright-Phillips.

123' -- Michael Owen sneaks onto the pitch in a QPR kit to try and help them equalize so his club will win the title. He realizes that he has no recollection of how to play football.

125' -- Samir Nasri offers to hang his winner's medal at Emirates Stadium for all the Arsenal fans who accused him of joining City just for the money and said he wouldn't win anything. The only person who is actually jealous is Cesc Fabregas.

130' -- Alex Ferguson officially declares that titles won in the past are now more important than being current champions and that the color blue is "scientifically proven to be stupid." Liverpool and Arsenal wonder what took him so long to figure all of that out.

136' --  The match is abandoned when Joey Barton comes back out and starts beating people with books about pacifism and his various hipster affectations. He stabs Vincent Kompany with his black rimmed glasses, strangles Kun Aguero with a stylish scarf and smothers Gareth Barry with a jaunty hat. For the first time, Nigel De Jong knows what fear is.

139' -- Maradona celebrates winning the Premier League title. Pele accuses him up making up fake leagues just to upset Neymar.

140' -- Carlos Tevez makes a "RIP Fergie" poster, confident that marring City's parade with it and making them apologize to Man United would be enough to sour the victory for them. He also invests all of Sheikh Mansour's money into a clothing line for Koala bears. They are his only friends.

Clearly this Slovan Bratislava fan hasn't flicked through his copy of Hooliganism For Dummies lately. The chapter about not staring down the barrel of a flare while you light it would have been particularly relevant during his visit to Slovak Super Liga rivals FK DAC.

This has been the Dirty Tackle of the Day: a chronicling of unfortunate events. Doth of the cap to @VikingATS for the video tip.

In Argentino B, the fourth tier of Argentinean football, teams are required to field ten outfield players and a goalkeeper. Much like teams in the rest of the world. Huracan Las Heras, however, temporarily flouted this convention during their visit to rivals Club Atletico Union over the weekend.

With the Huracan keeper beaten during an Atletico attack, substitute shot stopper Fernando Espinoza decided to step on the pitch and lend a hand, obstructing what would have been a certain goal. Like a kid who has just stuffed dog poop into the tail pipe of his principal's car, Espinoza turns around and hastily retreats as if nothing had happened.

Incredibly, Atletico were only given a corner kick for the incident, and the back-up goalie got away with just a yellow card. Espinoza later said his reaction was "instinct", which must be an Argentinean word for "cheating".

H/T 101GG

When Samir Nasri moved from Arsenal to Man City last summer in a £25 million transfer, many Arsenal fans accused him of being a mercenary who was only out for the money (as opposed to all those people around the world who don't want to get paid as much as possible for their work) and wasn't helping his chances of winning trophies. Well, City won the Premier League title in his first season with club and Arsenal, well, didn't. So now Nasri has decided to rub it in a bit.

From the Guardian:

"People at Arsenal tried to make out that I came here for the money," Nasri told the French television channel TF1. "I hope they are watching me now, collecting my Premier League winner's medal. I believe they have not won a trophy for many years now.

"I made the hard choice to come and fight for my place at a big club, and I have proved it correct. I now hope the Arsenal fans can get on with their lives and forget me.

"If all that I was interested in was money, the easiest decision would have been to stay at Arsenal, picking up my money every week and walking into the team. There are many people doing this right now at Arsenal."

Though he had twice as many goals in his last season with Arsenal, Nasri made 31 league appearances for City despite his critics' claims that he would never play there. He also set up nine goals for his teammates, eight more than he did in 2010/11.

No matter how justifiable they are after the rabid abuse he received, comments like these just aren't necessary. If Nasri really wants to get back at Arsenal fans, all he has to do is help convince Robin van Persie to follow him to City. Although, that would be sadistically cruel.

The most prominent images this time of year are often of the unbridled joy on display during title celebrations, but the despair of players on the opposite end of the table is often just as intense.

On Sunday, De Graafschap were relegated from the Dutch Eredivisie after only managing a 1-1 draw at home in the second leg of its promotion/relegation playoff against FC Den Bosch. The first leg ended 0-0, so De Graafschap fell because of a single away goal, which had to be an especially painful way to go down.

After the match, De Graafschap midfielder Rogier Meijer sat on the pitch, depressed and in disbelief over what just happened, when his young daughter, Saar, marched over to him. Wearing a De Graafschap shirt with her dad's number and her own name on the back, Saar put a hand on his shoulder and checked to see if he was OK. He shook his head and laid back while she stood over him.

When a scene that adorable can't cheer someone up, it shows just how devastating relegation is for a footballer.

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Man City held their bus parade through Manchester on Monday to celebrate their first league title in 44 years and during that parade, Carlos Tevez held up a presumably fan-made sign depicting a tombstone that read "RIP Fergie."

In 2009, Ferguson was asked if Man United would ever go into a Manchester derby as underdogs. Ferguson responded, "not in my lifetime." So after Man City edged out Man United to win the Premier League title on the final day of the season, the sign was likely a (crude) reference to that. And Tevez, who played for Ferguson before joining City, seemed to enjoy it. Even though his inability to speak English is well known.

Meanwhile, Ferguson's comments about City's victory are probably an accurate reflection of how he feels about Tevez and his sign. From Soccernet:

"They can go on as much as they like - that's what you would expect - but the history of our club stands us aside," Ferguson said. "We don't need to worry about that. I think we have a rich history, better than anyone and it'll take them a century to get to our level of history."

Coincidentally, Carlos Tevez seemed to be resting in peace when he abandoned Man City after a misunderstanding with Roberto Mancini in the middle of the season and came back just in time to collect a winner's medal.

UPDATE: Man City were quick to issue an apology. From The Mirror:

A City spokeswoman said: "The creation of the tasteless material is in itself reprehensible and in accepting and brandishing it, Carlos has made a significant error of judgement.

"The club wishes to express its sincerest apologies to Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United Football Club for any offence or distress caused." [...]

Tevez, who spent two years at Old Trafford before leaving for City in 2009, said: "I got carried away in the excitement of the moment and I certainly didn't mean any disrespect to Sir Alex Ferguson, who I admire as a man and a manager."

So on the day Man City celebrated beating Man United to their first league title in 44 years, they had to issue a public apology to their rivals. Now they're probably extra glad they allowed Tevez back into the team after his five-month midseason absence.

Yokohama's J-League visit to Hiroshima this last weekend was only six minutes old when Hiroshima's Toshihiro Aoyama picked up the ball in his own half and decided the time was right to make a 75-yard attempt at goal. The audacious strike paid off, and the icing was laid on the long-range-shot cake when Aoyama bowled his teammates over with a superb orchestrated celebration. It would have been nice if he had nailed the strike, but full credit to Aoyama for picking up a very difficult 7-10 split.

Despite being humiliated with a cocky goal and showboating celebration in the first six minutes, visitors Yokohama had the last laugh by eventually winning the game 3-1.

H/T 101GG

Real Madrid beat Mallorca 4-1 in their final match of the season to become the first club in Europe's four biggest domestic leagues to reach 100 points for a season. After reaching such an impressive milestone, the club held a lavish title celebration on the pitch at the Bernabeu that was a cross between the final scene in Star Wars and the closing ceremony for the space olympics.

Near the end of the celebration, Jose Callejon took the microphone and announced that he needed to do "one last thing before the season ends." He then got off the podium, took Jose Mourinho by the hand and jumped on his manager's back for a piggyback ride just as Mourinho had spontaneously done to him during a match against Valencia back in November.

When Mourinho was first introduced for the celebration, he bowed before his players. Video of that moment, plus some photos right this way...

Manchester City beat a 10-man QPR 3-2 with two goals in added time to make Manchester United's 1-0 win over Sunderland irrelevant and win their first league title in 44 years. It was an ending so incredible that it will probably take a few months of intense analysis to make sure it actually happened, but in the meantime, Mario Balotelli has a message for his critics.

"A lot of people talked bad about me, so now they have to shut up and watch me," said Balotelli with his winner's medal around his neck.

From having his bathroom set ablaze with fireworks to being told he wouldn't play for the rest of the season by Roberto Mancini after he was sent off for violent conduct in a loss to Arsenal, Balotelli has been under a tremendous amount of scrutiny this season. And while much of it was brought on by himself, Mario was still the guy City brought on for Carlos Tevez with their final substitution when they were losing in the 76th minute. And when he left the pitch, he had that winner's medal.

Mario also told how he predicted City's comeback after they went down 2-1 and that he preferred winning this way than to winning by a wide margin.

"For United to suffer a little bit is better for us," he added with a sly grin.

That said, here are some photos of Man United suffering and City celebrating...

One of the classiest footballers to ever wear a Juventus shirt (or any shirt) got the send-off he deserved at his final home match. Juve finished off their undefeated season -- the first in a 38-match Serie A season, according to Paolo Bandini -- with a 3-1 win over Atalanta in which Del Piero scored Juve's second goal.

After he was subbed off in the 58th minute to a standing ovation, Del Piero turned his attention to the tearful fans who have supported him for the last 19 years, signing autographs and waving goodbye before lifting the Scudetto and taking a lap of honor after the final whistle.

With just the Coppa Italia final against Napoli in Rome left to play before his Juve career ends, the 37-year-old made it clear that there's still some joy he needs to squeeze out of the game. From Football Italia:

"There's a lifetime ahead of me to work as a director. I am in good shape, I was born to play football and as long as I can do that, I'm happy.

"Would I like to play in England? I've always said you experience football in a fantastic way there. However, I haven't discussed a transfer for 19 years, so I'm a bit out of the loop on what to do!"

Better to be born to play football than to talk about transfer, I'd say.

Manchester City's final match of the season against QPR was intense enough before Joey Barton once again reverted to his old criminality in the 55th minute. QPR equalized in the 48th minute to stun City fans just as they were starting to develop the smirks of champions. But then the QPR captain and Guardian art critic responded to Carlos Tevez hitting him by elbowing Tevez in the face to earn a red card with his club's Premier League survival on the line.

"Why do people always want to solve any conflict with a fight?" Barton, who was imprisoned for assault in 2008, wrote on Twitter back in December. "As a pacifist I find it incredible."

Well, in the ensuing scuffling, that mind-boggled pacifist went missing as Joey Barton kicked Kun Aguero in the back of the leg with malicious intent (see it here) before being escorted off the pitch.

Despite being down a man, QPR scored another shocking goal 11 minutes later to go ahead 2-1 and elicit tears from devastated Man City fans as they thought their first title in 44 years had been stolen away and handed back to Man United. In a final twist to prove they have some determination to go with their money, City scored twice in the five minutes of added time that resulted from Barton's aggro to win the match 3-2.

So City won the title, QPR avoided relegation by the slimmest of margins and Joey Barton made a lot of people who bought into his reformed act look silly. What a day.

UPDATE: Barton was quick to get back on Twitter after the match to offer his special brand of logic.

"Can do nothing but apologise to the players and the fans. Still don't think its a sending off. Tried to take 1 of their players with me....

"Still not my proudest moment but who gives a f*ck, we are safe..........and that is all that matters.

"The head was never gone at any stage, once I'd been sent off, one of our players suggested I should try to take 1 of theirs with me...

"...Never worked but god loves a trier. #reallynotbother #wearesafe"

So, he assaulted Aguero to try and get the City players to attack him back in effort to "take 1 of their players with me." Clearly Joey has an impressive understanding of pacifism.

UPDATE II: The FA hit Joey Barton with two counts of violent conduct. Pacifist.

In front of more than 60,000 people on the LA Galaxy's first visit to Montreal, David Beckham dusted off his old free-kick brilliance to equalize in the 62nd minute against the Impact. Montreal got off to an early lead with a goal from Davy Arnaud in the 8th minute, but Beckham proved that he cannot be out-Dave'd.

Beckham launched one of his trademark set pieces past former teammate Donovan Ricketts and into the top corner for his second goal of the season. And he did it while wearing a special pink and white pair of Adidas' new Predator LZs with all four of his kids' names written on them (photo below). Unfortunately, the TV cameras didn't capture his shot from the best angle, though.

[Podcast: 'Survival Sunday' preview; Simon Kuper visits with Martin Rogers]

Beckham's first goal, you might remember, was similarly placed and just as lovely.

It's been a difficult season for the Galaxy as they struggle to rise above the bottom of the table, but at least Beckham is ensuring they have something for the end-of-season highlight video.

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AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. I LOVE YOU -- I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!! NOW STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE COLOGNE SMOKE MONSTER --  I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MUCH BLACK SMOKE SINCE RIGHT NOW WHEN I JUST REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT'S ACTUALLY NOT BUT I WISH IT WAS!!!!!!!!! WE ALL LIVE FOR OUR FANTASIES!!!!!!!!!!

3. THE HARTLEPOOL SMURFS -- OH GREAT!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY DO IT EVERYBODY LOVES IT BUT WHEN I DRESS AS A BUTLER AND BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES TO SERVE THEM DINNER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE FREAKS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP SCREAMING AT ME AND EAT MY CROQUETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I THOUGHT SOME CORN SNUCK INTO MY SALAD THE OTHER DAY BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE A WATCH BATTERY!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TIME IT IS EVEN WHEN I'M UNCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 4:37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. DIDIER ZOKORA KICKING A RACIST IN THE BALLS -- VIOLENCE IS BAD!!!!!!!!!! BUT RACISM IS WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK HIS CROTCH WITH A CANDLE!!!!!!!!!!!

6. THE BLACKBURN CHICKEN -- WHEN I TOLD MY TEAMMATES ABOUT THIS AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY COULD ONE OF THEM ASKED ME IF THEY CHOKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE WOULD ASK THAT SO I GOOGLE CHICKEN CHOKING AND WAS SO HORRIFIED BY WHAT I LEARNED THAT I DROPKICKED MY IPAD INTO A BOWL OF TERIYAKI SAUCE!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I HAD A BOWL OF TERIYAKI SAUCE BUT I JUST DID SO GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:45!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. POLISH POLICE USING SOUND CANNONS FOR EURO 12 -- YOU HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE LISTENED TO TAYLOR SWIFT THROUGH A SOUND CANNON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE HEAVEN WITH BLOOD POURING OUT OF YOUR EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN OTHER WORDS IT IS JUST HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. WOMEN GRABBING FREDDIE LJUNGBERG -- TOUCHING PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING THEIR PERMISSION IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SO IS CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN OR TOUCH PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING THEIR PERMISSION!!!!!!!!! IT'S GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS MAKING MY CROQUETTES ON TUESDAY FOR THAT BUTLER THING I DO WHEN I SAW DAN DRIVE PAST MY HOUSE TO GET TO HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG BUT THE FACT THAT I HAPPENED TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW JUST AS HE WAS DRIVING BY WAS CREEPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG NOW THAT WE HAVE SOME KIND OF UNSPOKEN CONNECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:58 DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:58!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I CAN HEAR HIS GOOBER KIDS IN THE SOUND CANNON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY HAVE VOICES LIKE HAIRY  ANGELS!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Athletic Bilbao last won silverware in 1984, so fans of the popular Basque side travelled in their droves to attend the Europa League Final earlier this week for a chance to witness a rekindling of their former glory. Sadly, Falcao and ten other Atletico Madrid players were 3-0 victors on the night, which was particularly hard news to take for the 400 Athletic Club fans who traveled to Hungary for the game by mistake.

The final was held in Bucharest, Romania, but the geographically embarrassed supporters found themselves in vaguely-similar-sounding Budapest, a city roughly 500 miles away and in a completely different country. The Journal reports:

The Spanish TV channel Antena 3 is reporting that the group of fans travelled to Budapest instead of Bucharest, before trying to correct their mistake by getting to the correct city on time.

They failed. They couldn't find the Romanian capital on the map.

The fans — who were clearly too excited to cross reference the name of the destination they were headed to with the one detailed on their match tickets — were openly mocked as news of their plight travelled to Bucharest's National Stadium, with the stadium announcer declaring, "Good evening, Budapest, and welcome to the Europa League final," to a jeering crowd.

Manchester United have unveiled their new "gingham" home kit for the 2012/13 season and, as expected, the top part of it was a shirt. But according to people with eyes, it's a shirt that looks like a tablecloth. or a tea towel. Or something else that isn't ideal for a football shirt to look like.

The checkered gingham design of the shirt wasn't just for giggles, though. From Nike's press release:

Manchester United Football club's success has been founded on the traditional values of respect and hard work. Those values are what made Manchester the city it is and from the mid 18th century the cotton mills there were prolific in the industry. From those mills came the gingham fabric, an iconic check that like Manchester United is famous around the world and is now — for the first time — used on a Manchester United home shirt.

And they used it on the whole friggin thing.

The shirt has been about as divisive as a shirt can be (which is surprising divisive), with the comments on the club's Facebook page showing just how much people's opinions can differ. Especially among people who don't realize you can get so many uses out of this shirt. In these economically hard times, this is probably just the beginning of the multi-purpose football shirt trend. Spurs' will have the added function of teaching Harry Redknapp what email is, for example.

Here's Rio Ferdinand modeling the new tablecloth. I mean home kit...

In 1998, Betfred founder Fred Done lost £500,000 by paying out early on Manchester United winning the Premier League title when they were 12 points ahead of Arsenal, only for Arsenal to close the gap and win by a point. Done became the first bookmaker to pay out early on a title race that year and you would think he learned a very expensive lesson, but he didn't.

Last month, Done -- who is a big Man United fan himself -- paid out early on his favorite club yet again. Said Done on Twitter (via Eurosport):

"Even with the (Manchester) derby to come a five point lead is just too much for City, so once again I'm letting my United punters have their dough early to the tune of just over half million quid," he said.

"Back in 1998 Fergie told me to never pay out early again but Sir Alex need not worry, I've not got it wrong this time, United are past the post for a record twentieth Premier League title."

Except, they weren't and Fred proved why you shouldn't betray advice from Man United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

So as we head into the final day of the Premier League season on Sunday, Man City lead Man United on a comfortable goal difference of eight after beating United 1-0 in the derby two weeks ago. That means City must drop points to QPR and Man Utd must beat Sunderland (or if City lose, at least draw) for Done to avoid another £500,000 loss.

On Friday, Done wrote for the Manchester Evening News:

[F]or all the United fans who say I've jinxed the title or the City fans who think I've been arrogant, I paid out early because I thought they were home and hosed.

If it does go wrong, which looks highly likely, it was an honest mistake. And if City are celebrating on Sunday, I will wish them all the best and send Bobby Manc [Man City manager Roberto Mancini] and his staff a bottle of champers.

And if the Reds do the incredible turnaround, I'll be celebrating with all the other United fans.

Believe it or not, football is always about the heart with me and not the wallet.

Then maybe you shouldn't take bets on football, Fred. Or, at the very least, stop paying out early before Alex Ferguson makes you stop. You won't like his methods.

England's newly appointed manager Roy Hodgson has been slated by the press and public for his Euro 12 squad selection, even though he has yet to select a squad. Certain that Hodgson's picks for this summer's tournament will be disastrous, pundits and fans have united in decrying Hodgson's personnel decision before he's made them.

"It's a shambles," said pundit Quintin Taylor. "He's already ruined England's chances. He's going to waste a roster spot on Wayne Rooney even though he's got the two-match ban. Or he's going to leave him out when we're certain to need him in that final group match. Both are terrible decisions. Then he'll take John Terry and alienate Rio Ferdinand. Or he'll leave John Terry out and ruin our backline. Hodgson is clearly out of his depth."

Hodgson was put in the England hot seat instead of press-favorite Harry Redknapp, which has made the start of his tenure even more difficult.

The Sun, meanwhile, published a scathing review of Hodgson's yet to be decided roster. "We haven't seen the England squad, but the selections could not have been worse," said the country's most-read newspaper. "Harry Redknapp would have assembled a very similar yet far superior team. He also would have cured glaucoma, whereas Hodgson has probably given everyone bird flu with this roster. The streets will run red with the blood of the nation's turtles."

Despite the dramatic criticism of Hodgson's selections, all hope is not lost. Concluded Taylor: "Hodgson has already turned this into a complete disaster and he can never be forgiven. I still think England will win it, though. This is definitely our year."

Related: The guide to criticizing Roy Hodgson's squad selection

Just two months away from the International Football Association Board's decision on whether to implement goal-line technology in competitive matches, testing on the two options being considered has moved into its second stage. And though you might imagine that testing to be some kind of cross between "The Matrix" and "Tron," it's actually more like setting up a display at a discount sporting goods store.

From the AP:

Experiments with the Sony Corp.-owned system were conducted at Southampton's St. Mary's Stadium on Thursday. Hawk-Eye is a camera-based ball-tracking system used in tennis and cricket.

The other system being considered by the International Football Association Board is the GoalRef system, which will be tested in Danish matches.

GoalRef, owned by a German-Danish company, uses a magnetic field with a special ball.

Whether the testing results in goal-line technology being implemented after IFAB's final decision on July 2 remains to be seen, but at the very least, the Aston Villa scouts attending the session may have found their replacement for Emile Heskey.

Here's a video about the test...

Former Arsenal and Sweden midfielder is patiently waiting for the transfer window to reopen after a premature end to his stint in Japan with Shimizu S-Pulse. While the 35-year-old waits, he's taken the time to conduct a lengthy interview where he reveals the unexpected consequences of modeling underpants for Calvin Klein.

From Di.se (via The Offside)

"Advertising was fun to do, but had unexpected consequences for my personal life. The price was simply too high," he says today.

"It sounds so cocky ... and I will not whine ... but if for example, I walked into a nightclub in London girls came back and grabbed my [crotch].

"It was happening everywhere. They came from behind, side, pulled and tugged at me. The worst part was that you could not do a damn thing about it. When I angrily removed their hands, people just laughed.

"Some people thought that I should blame myself, I had signed with Calvin Klein and played in a top team. But there was no limit to what others thought they were entitled to do."

Of course, having hordes of strangers grab at you without asking when you're at a place designed to help you find a stranger who will grab at you is still a form of abuse. And you could also say it speaks to the larger problem of how much people demand of public figures in modern society. But somewhere, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo read this and shiver as they have flashbacks to their own nightclub crotch-honk ordeals while millions of other men wonder how much they would have to pay to make this happen for them.

Anyway, starting off by saying "it sounds so cocky" had to be an intentional pun, right?