Tue Jul 26 12:22pm EDT
How has your week been, Mario?
Not so good. Everyone got upset about my backheel in the match against L.A. -- the manager, the fans, everyone. But that was whatever. I also didn't have any money on me when a homeless man asked for some and I tried to save a family of geese, but one died.
You saved a family of geese? How did that happen?
I'd rather not -- it's still very painful. Can't we talk about the backheel? I was just trying to give the people a show and-
Fine. Well, I left the L.A. match at halftime to blow off some steam. I sped off in a rental Maserati that was a lot like the one I have back home, except it smelled like someone I don't know. Anyway, I was driving around the city and listening to Elliott Smith because it seemed appropriate being in L.A. and because his music just really speaks to me. Right in the middle of "Speed Trials" I saw this family of geese trying to cross the street, but all the other cars ignored them. It seemed really dangerous, so I pulled over, put my hazard lights on and tried to move them across the street as fast as I could. Except, there was one that I couldn't get in time. It got hit. The driver didn't even slow down.
How many did you manage to save?
Eight, including the mother.
That's great. Really, Mario.
I guess. I only think about the one, though.
I'm sorry to hear that.
The good news is that I was able to track down that same homeless man later that night and I gave him a week's wage. And guess what he said his name was..."Goose."
Photo: Getty; Previously: Mario performs an emergency tracheotomy