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Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. BEING ITCHY -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAKING A TURTLENECK OUT OF ASBESTOS AND STEEL WOOL NO LONGER SEEMS LIKE THE GREAT IDEA IT DID WHEN I STARTED KNITTING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE MADE A POT HOLDER INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS EVEN ITCHIER THAN THE TIME I MADE THOSE SOCKS OUT OF FEATHERS SO I COULD JUMP HIGHER!!!!!!!!!!!! NEWSFLASH: THEY DIDN'T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MOURINHO RIDING HIS PLAYERS -- PEOPLE ARE NOT TRANSPORTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN RIDE A HORSE YOU CAN RIDE A DONKEY YOU RIDE A LION BUT IF JUMP ON A PERSON AND TELL THEM TO TAKE YOU TO THE NEAREST GLUTEN FREE COOKING SCHOOL THEY RARELY DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. THROWING AN UMBRELLA AT A LINESMAN -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!??!?!?!?!?!!? SURE LAUNCHING AN UMBRELLA AT A LINESMAN CAN BE FUN BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTS TO RAIN?!?!?!?!?!? OR HAIL?!?!?!?!!??! YOU CAN ASK FOR IT BACK BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SCREWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THURSDAY MARKED THE DAY IN AMERICA WHEN THE NATIVES GOT THEIR REVENGE ON THE PILGRIMS BY INFLICTING THEM WITH THE CORN MENACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY CALL IT "THANKSGIVING" BUT I CALL IT "GIVING CORN?!!??!?! NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

5. PABLO OSVALDO'S DISALLOWED BICYCLE KICK -- THIS WAS THE GREATEST GOAL EVER!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONLY WAS IT BEAUTIFUL BUT IT DIDN'T COUNT!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO PERFECT THAT I THINK I JUST MESSED MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND BY THAT I MEAN I JUST SET THEM ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY NEVER MAKE FIREPROOF PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. JACK WILSHERE'S BET WITH SPURS FANS -- I BET JUVENTUS FANS THAT I COULD CHUG A TOILET FULL OF PAINT THINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO TAKERS YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. KICKING THE NET AND FALLING ON YOUR FACE -- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!??!?!?!?!! WHY DON'T I EVER THINK OF THESE THINGS FIRST?!?!?!?!??!

8. RONALDINHO TOUCHING HIMSELF -- THIS IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY GET SEXUAL GRATIFICATION FROM WATCHING DISALLOWED GOALS ON YOUTUBE OR PUNCHING A CARTOON SHARK IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I DID BOTH AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS NOT CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS CUTTING THE SLEEVES OFF A DRESS SHIRT INSIDE A MCDONALD'S WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI WALKED IN WITH HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER SMASHING MY HEAD AGAINST THE TABLE AND QUIETLY SHOUTING "WHY CAN I NOT GET AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!" I SAID "HELLO" AND ASKED WHAT THEY WERE DOING!!!!!!!!!!!! DAN SAID THEY WERE HUNGRY SO THEY DECIDED TO STOP FOR A BITE TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HIM WHY HE WOULD EVER FEED THIS CRAP TO HIS CHILDREN AND HE SAID "WELL YOU'RE EATING HERE" AND I SAID "NO I'M NOT!!!!!!!!! I JUST CAME HERE TO CUT THE SLEEVES OFF THIS DRESS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I ONLY GO TO MCDONALD'S IN THE HOPES THAT THE HAMBURGLAR WALKS IN SO I CAN ROUNDHOUSE KICK HIM IN THE KNEECAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY AFTER I FINISHED CUTTING I BROUGHT THEM ALL TO A LOCAL RESTAURANT AND PAID FOR THEIR MEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY REALIZED THE DIFFERENCE IN QUALITY AND FELT AN OVERPOWERING SENSE OF SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Male Men Magazine

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