Dirty Tackle - World Soccer

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me celebrating my match winning goal with two gentlemen who claim to be my teammates. I have no idea who they are, but in a moment as joyous as this, I simply don't care. Ha-HA! ... Yes, I know their names are on their backs. However, taking the time to read their utterly unimportant surnames would prevent me from gazing into your glorious eyes and smiling in your general direction like an aroused baby jungle cat. And we wouldn't want to disrupt this magical moment, now would we? ... I knew you were going to say that, you difficult little minx. Ha-HA!

It was halftime and we were playing one of those strange teams that isn't Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. None of the players on the pitch had scored a goal yet because they are not The Berba and none of them are anywhere near as sticky as I am. ... See? Even from there you can recognize how sticky I am. ... Anyway, during his team talk, Sir Alex said to me something like, "Berba, I know you haven't scored a goal in some time because you've been waiting for the most sensual moment to unleash your erotic will. Well now is that time. You will come on for Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba since he is nowhere near as talented or debonair as you are." ... No, that's true. He said something very similar to that and I took very little artistic license with his phrasing. ... Please stop questioning my debonair eroticism.

Whatever. I'm ignoring your doubts and resuming my sexy story.  I entered the match. And in the 88th minute, I scored the winning goal with passion, ferocity and a hairline that makes pelvises weep. Ha-HA! ... Now. Once you stop rolling your eyes at me, how would you like to come celebrate with me, my cousin Timitar Berbatov, his video camera and our broken hot tub full of mayonnaise?

Oh-OHHHH! You just hit me in the forehead with a Nintendo Wii controller. Oh, that hurt so much! Why do you even have one of those with you? ... Specifically so that you could hit me in the head with it? Oh, well, isn't that nice of you. Now, please, join us in the hot tub before Timitar eats all the mayonnaise.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Getty Images

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