October 11, 2011
According to the Independent, Wayne Rooney has written "his own letter of apology" for his red card in England's 2-2 draw against Montenegro in an effort to keep his Euro 2012 ban at no more than one match. The letter is the "centerpiece" in the Football Association's appeal to UEFA, which will also include a DVD and a letter from the FA. The following is what we imagine to be Wayne's apology letter in full.
I don't know who will read this, but my name is Wayne Rooney and I am 25 years old. I play football for Manchester United, the best team in the whole world, and England, which is also a team in the world. I have nice hair. The reason I am writing u this letter is because I was shown a red card in England's match against Montecarlo and I really really really really really don't want u to ban me for more than one match because of it.
After hearing what the newspapers said and seeing how angry everyone was on Twitter, I now know that kicking that other player was wrong. If I could go back in time to that moment, I would not kick him. Maybe I would shove him into a massive fire or karate chopped his neck instead because he was a turd and he deserved it, but I would not kick him. But I can't go back in time because I am not Marty McFly. I did recently buy a pair of his shoes though for a lot of money that went to charity. They look cool but they don't lace themselves like in the film. What a rip off.
Anyways, I want to tell u that I am very very very very sorry. That's four verys. Usually when I apologize to my wife Coleen for stuff, I only use three verys and she still accepts my apologies every time and u should too. So, again, I'm very x 4 sorry, I really really really really really want to play as many matches as I can in ur Euro 2012 tournament and my Marty McFly shoes don't lace themselves. Isn't that punishment enough?
Thank u and u're welcome for my time.
Wayne Mark Nice Kindness Rooney Junior III
P.S. My dad wants to know if u can tell him who will win Euro 2012 before it happens. So please do that too. He said there's a fiver in it for u if u do.