Dirty Tackle - World Soccer

According to Pele, all this talk of Lionel Messi is a tad premature. "They are always trying to compare someone to Pele," he says, dripping with self-satisfaction. By Pele's standards, Messi must first be declared the best player from Argentina (i.e. better than Maradona), then he must score 1,000 goals, "then we can start talking." The following is a transcript of what we imagine the rest of Pele's criteria is once those talks begin. 

Messi: So once I win a World Cup without using my hands and score 1,000 goals, then what do I have to do, Mr. Pele?

Pele: Legally change your name to Pele Isstillthebest. Or just Fart. Yes, one of those two. 

Messi: OK, then what?

Pele: Have 1,000 pictures taken of you holding a football against your head

Messi: OK, then what?

Pele: Star in a movie with Sylvester Stallone that isn't another sequel to Rocky or Rambo or Spy Kids.

Messi: OK, then what?

Pele: Eat an entire wild boar in under two minutes.

Messi: Did you do that?

Pele: No, but I could if I wanted to.

Messi: OK, then what?

Pele: Beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time while singing made-up lyrics to the game's soundtrack the whole time. I must find these lyrics enjoyable, though!

Messi: Uh, OK, then what?

Pele: Taste a rainbow.

Messi: Hey, that's just a slogan for Skittles candy.

Pele: I don't care, you have to do it.

Messi: Fine. Is there anything else?

Pele: Yes, other tasks include: cloning Pele so I can have dance parties with myself, finding this stick I lost when I was 13, inventing a practical way to time travel, and making enough peanut butter sandwiches so I can have one every Saturday until I die. Plus some other stuff that I can't remember right now.

Messi: And then I'll be the best player of all-time forever?

Pele: No. 

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