Club merchandise catalogs are created with the sole intention of squeezing whatever money you have left over after buying tickets and concessions at the stadium. They're all essentially the same. For our purposes, we'll be examining Bayern Munich's mammoth 2010/2011 fan catalog and the unintentional creepiness it contains (in addition to every material item you can possibly think of). So, follow Lahm and Schweini as they discuss how much they want to hit Michael Ballack with a car and let's begin our journey...

Mark van Bommel isn't modeling a shirt so much as he's warning you that you should probably go ahead and call an ambulance now, because he plans on tackling you so hard that your eyes bleed in the very near future.

OK. Reading these pages from left to right, everything is looking normal. Some nice hoodies there. David Alaba in a t-shirt and -- oh God! Why is Thomas Muller looking at us like that? Does he think he's...The Continental? Why do I feel so dirty all of the sudden? Try not to make eye contact. Let's move on. Quickly...

Ah! Who invited Russell Brand?! This look might be even worse than Muller's. What kind of direction did the photographer give these guys? "Just stare at the camera like you want to hump it to death and then eat it. Good. ... Good."

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER CUT THIS KID'S HAIR LIKE THAT?! That's child abuse! And then to document it in a football club's merchandise catalog is sick and depraved. He looks like a Federline.  

First of all, van Bommel looks way too happy to be surrounded by lederhosen bears. Secondly, van Bommel looks way too happy to be surrounded by lederhosen bears.

Why is that child rubbing Bayern Munich toast on his face? I'm assuming the custom design makes it so unbelievably good that instead of wanting to eat it, you get the irresistible urge to rub it on your face, allowing you to experience some sort of perverse satisfaction. Either that, or this kid never learned how to properly eat toast.

I really don't know how much more of this I can handle. I mean, if Thomas Muller shows up again, looking like he wants to put us all in a giant glass jar and keep us in his basement, I think I might lose it.