Turin, Italy 2006 Winter Olympic Games

Olympic Figure Skating Analysis

TURIN, Italy – Can't you just see it now, if only figure skating, the entire Winter Olympics, really, would enter the modern world?

Can't you see a real ladies' figure skating panel – not those nameless, faceless, pretentious judges, just Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and that other guy, grilling the pixies in the kiss and cry?

Cowell to 29th place finisher Anastasia Gimazetdinova of Uzbekistan, the William Hung of the short program, "Were you aware the goal in figure skating is to not fall down?"

Cowell to the follicle-challenged Irina Slutskaya of Russia, whose hairdo we would describe as similar to the Dutch Boy paint logo but that wouldn't be fair to the Dutch Boy paint logo, "Honey, were you aware this is the ladies' program?"

"US Weekly" when a skater receives surprisingly high scores, "Is She Sleeping With Paula?"

Hand the Winter Olympics to me and you won't see NBC getting crushed by "American Idol," "Grey's Anatomy" or whatever they are showing on the Food Channel.

The ratings losses have nothing to do with the comparable talent or drama – Sasha Cohen and Slutskaya are way more intriguing than anyone on prime time this week.

It's all about the setup.

American Idol is dastardly yet triumphant, honest yet staged, familiar yet unpredictable. The Winter Olympics are tape delayed, over-dramatized and staid. It is so last century.

These women are allowed to show up from all over the world, dressed often in fabric so hideous your grandmother wouldn't hang it above the sink, with preposterous hair cuts and then bomb out. And yet they get polite applause and hushed comments from announcers like, "A little touch down there. That will cost her."

A little touch down? The damn girl almost split in half.

Ladies' figure skating takes itself more seriously than a Senate sub-committee. Fun is when the crowd claps along to some 200-year-old song. Half of the competitors don't dare smile.

After they are done, the at-arms-length judges throw out some number from a mysterious and confusing system and the skaters, who have no idea why they received the score, are forced to say polite things like Kimmie Meissner did, "I think the judges know what they are doing."

No fights. No arguments. No, storming out of the room, "I didn't want your stinkin' medal anyway."

No judges' panel breaking up in laughter as some Clydesdale-legged skater plods so hard you fear she might fall through the ice. No Simon yelling, "Stop. Please. You're hurting my eyes."

Sure, figure skating will be fairer and more civilized the current way. Skating enthusiasts won't pass out in horror. And the athletes have spent their entire life sacrificing and training for this single moment – unlike American Idol contestants, many of whom show up for tryouts drunk and on a dare – will be treated with requisite dignity.

So I guess if sticking to tradition, taking yourself seriously and being nice to people is your goal, then sure don't change a thing.

But that won't win you the Nielsen ratings.

At the very least, NBC should have had the guts to hire Johnny Weir, the outspoken, outlandish male skater as an analyst for the ladies' competition.

If Weir was crazy enough to say of the performance of a competitor "His was like a vodka-shot, let's-snort-coke kind of thing," just imagine what he would have exclaimed after seeing Slutskaya's beyond-ugly one-piece outfit?

Or maybe Joan and Melissa Rivers could work as a side-rink fashion analysts.

"Sweetie, I wouldn't wear that thing to a tobacco spitting fight."

NBC is a bunch of wimps and they deserve to lose millions on these games. It is not like they weren't looking for another analyst. They tried to hire Michele Kwan when she dropped out.

Kwan is one very nice person, you'd want her as a babysitter, but after a decade of never saying anything very interesting, who the heck thought she'd breathe life into this thing?

Weir, meanwhile, got no offer despite being the most memorable character of these games, making Americans actually discuss men's figure skating through his sheer force of personality.

Or as gawker.com said, "We wish we knew how to quit you, Johnny Weir."

The knee-jerk assumption is that Weir wouldn't play in Peoria. But we know those forward-thinkers at NBC wouldn't discriminate due to possible sexual orientation. No, that would never, ever happen.

Because it's not like American Idol isn't beating them there, too.

Updated on Wednesday, Feb 22, 2006 9:14 am, EST

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