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In a perfect world, homer-riffic Bruins announcer Jack Edwards would be calling the Boston Bruins' Stanley Cup Final games, Revolutionary War references at the ready and bellowing for Henrik Sedin(notes) to "GET UP" after a dive.

Alas, we'll just have to settle for Edwards offering surreal commentaries on WEEI's "Big Show," like this one after Game 1 in which he compares Alex Burrows biting Patrice Bergeron(notes) with the perils of breastfeeding. We [expletive] you not:

So that … happened. Great Mike Murphy(notes) impression, incidentally.

Here's the first Jack Edwards Soliloquy from before the Stanley Cup Final between the Bruins and Vancouver Canucks began. It's the sort of prose that you'd expect to find on a statue in a city square. Or muttered by a homeless man staggering around outside of Paul Revere House:

"His father was a Huguenot." "And his mother?" "Wasn't …"

Now, explain to us again why can't NBC give us an audio feed during this series that's just Jack Edwards, Andy Brickley, patriotic music and a 12-pack of Sam Adams?

s/t to reader Jay for the video.

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