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Hello, this is a feature that will run through the entire season and aims to recap the weekend's events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact or stupid opinion about each team. Feel free to complain about it.

Far be it for me to do a little bit of grave dancing, because I wasn't actually happy to see the Detroit Red Wings lose on Friday. I wasn't sad, of course, because while I'm not a Pittsburgh Penguins fan, there were three reasons I really wanted them to win:

1. I picked them to win in seven games.

2. I think them winning the Cup is a very good thing for the League and the sport, and

3. I had money on them.

Apart from that ugly, ugly Game 5 loss, the Penguins earned it. They played wonderful hockey for four of the final five games

But some people (read: Detroit fans) cannot handle that, and we probably should have seen that coming. There were, of course, the cries of conspiracy, the talk that Gary Bettman "despises" the Red Wings although it is apparently impossible to say why, and the requisite general sobbing that some media types had the unmitigated audacity and utter distaste to even imply that the Red Wings, to paraphrase Gunner Stahl, lost it for themselves.

(Coming up: The Penguins finally bring success to a Pirates game; in praise of Max Talbot(notes); condolances for Marian Hossa(notes); news from around the NHL; and a wacky Scott Gomez(notes) trade.)

The reason I have a problem with any of this is that it comes lovingly swaddled in phony sentiment. Red Wings fans are bitter, angry and looking for a scapegoat. I get that. I'm sure they've all had plenty of practice being magnanimous in accepting the effusive praise of the quality of their favorite teams over the last dozen years, and thus perhaps you're out of practice with playing second fiddle. Granted, they've handled it poorly. But most of the posts I've read on Red Wings blogs over the last few days have said something like this:

Before I begin complaining about everything in the series that was not the play of the Detroit Red Wings, who clearly are unbeatable under normal circumstances, let me first begin by saying congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins and their fans for winning the Stanley Cup fair and square.

What follows are typically a few hundred words about conspiracy theories (Bettman may have been in Dallas on November 22, 1963!), easily disprovable complaints about Sid Crosby's class or, more specifically, lack thereof (HE DIDN'T SHAKE THEIR HANDS!) and complaints about injuries because the Penguins were, of course, 100 percent healthy. All of that totally negates the first paragraph which, I guess, is intended to not make them look petty sore losers screaming their impotent rage into a sad, lonely void because it simply cannot be true that their boys, like 28 other teams, just weren't as good as the Penguins.

It's tough to accept, I know. But I'd like to give these Detroit fans some helpful advice: Just be jerks. Unabashed ones at that. You're like 90 percent of the way there. The hockey community already thinks very little of you anyway, so why not earn it?

What We Learned (Championship edition)

(WWL will, for the remainder of the postseason, only cover the teams still playing hockey. Any news of note involving the other teams will be dealt with below in Loserwatch '09.)

Pittsburgh Penguins: So the Penguins started the Stanley Cup on its annual goodwill tour of various locations in and around the championship city, with the first stop being a Pittsburgh Pirates game.

Most of the players wore Pirates jerseys, with Game 7 hero Max Talbot and Jordan Staal(notes) wearing Matt Capps No. 55 models and enforcer Eric Godard(notes) wearing Nyjer Morgan's No. 3. The latter is no surprise, given that Morgan did some fighting while playing in the Western Hockey League as a teenager.

The loudest cheers were for Talbot, Staal and, of course, Crosby, with all of the Pirates' players atop the dugout doing likewise. Morgan was most animated, at one point getting a "Let's Go Pens!" chant started. The crowd even got an extra chance to boo Marian Hossa, when his image was shown on the scoreboard after a replay of Marc-Andre Fleury's(notes) finishing save on Nicklas Lidstrom(notes).

Because I'm too lazy (and jaded!) to do so, you should feel free to make your own joke about how this is the last trophy the Pirates will see for a long, long time in the comments section. Best one gets no prize at all.

Loserwatch '09

(News and notes from some of the teams that couldn't be bothered to make or stay in the playoffs.)

Derian Hatcher(notes) of the Philadelphia Flyers should be feelin' fine. He's got a brand new knee, after all. (Ed. Note: Who knew we live in a world with breaking Derian Hatcher news?) ... Pavel Datsyuk(notes) is going to be listening to the Cure for the next little while, from the sound of it. "Too late about injuries, now, especially. My body doesn't feel anything now. My body just feels empty now." ... Should Panthers fans be concerned that a Tomas Vokoun(notes) t-shirt got put on clearance? ... Dan Boyle(notes) thinks hockey needs fighting. ... The latest team to blame their poor finish on injuries: Montreal. ... Good news, everyone! The Senators might actually be in good shape this year. ... Here's a Bruce Garrioch scoop someone will actually believe: Dany Heatley(notes), like everyone else in the world, doesn't want to play in Edmonton. ... Dave Tippett might end up coaching in Minnesota. It should be noted, though, that his teams have been known to score more than 2.5 goals a game. ... Michael Neuvirth could be the next Simeon Varlamov, only, y'know, good in the playoffs. Neuvirth backstopped the Hershey Bears to a Calder Cup, meaning the only Washington-related team to not win its league championship was the Capitals. Noted Caps fan Greg Wyshynski is devastated. (Ed. Note: I'm clutching my John Erskine(notes) Beanie Baby as we speak.)

Balsillie and Bettman's Trash Talk Corner

(In which a damning piece of news from the ongoing Hamilton Coyotes saga is taken out of context and has its hurtfulness rated.)

From the Globe and Mail:

"I could tell by my answers that he wasn't satisfied," he said. "I wasn't giving him the information that he was hoping to get from me and he probably ended it early ... He realized he wasn't going to get any dirt out of me because I didn't have any dirt to offer."

Oh-Snap-O-Meter:

7/7 members of the original cast of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" It looks like the NHL has ACME on the case and it will be just a matter of time before an 11-year-old girl is scrambling to put seven sticks with sirens on top over countries in Africa to get to the bottom of just what this BlackBerry guy is up to.

Call the new show "Where in the World is the Dirt on Jim Balsillie?" Rockapella wouldn't even have to change the tune of the theme song (try it yourself!). Bad news, though: The Chief died in 2003. We can definitely get Greg Lee though. Let's get on it, Gumshoes.

Play of the Weekend

Max Talbot's second goal was one of those shots that no goalie in the world had a chance of stopping. That was gorgeous.

Gold Star Award

You score twice in a 2-1 Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, guess where you're gonna find yourself.

Max Talbot, you really are a superstar!

Minus of the Weekend

It was awful tough to choose between Marian Hossa, who thought Detroit had the better chance to win the Cup, and Brad Stuart(notes), whose two turnovers made sure Hossa was wrong. But in the end, I went with Hossa because it's much funnier.

I wonder if he's gonna sign with Pittsburgh next year.

Next season's game I'm totally going to watch on Center Ice if I'm home

:(

Event that should replace the shootout and would be just as relevant to hockey skill

Going out the window.

Thing of the Week

(An indeterminate something that I liked quite a bit.)

The FIFA Confederations Cup started yesterday and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the heavily-favored Spanish team pummeled the weak island nation of New Zealand 5-nil behind a hat trick (in 17 minutes, no less) from Liverpool striker Fernando Torres. Readers of my this column back when it was on my blog (both of you, lolol!) will note that I am an avid Liverpool supporter and to see Torres in top form is always a wonder to behold. The tournament continues tomorrow with Brazil facing Egypt at 10 a.m. Eastern time, then the US getting handed its lunch by Italy at 2:30. All the games, even the ones not involving the US being steamrolled, are on ESPN and ESPN2.

There's nothing quite like international soccer against non-Central American countries to prove just how behind everyone the United States really is.

Perfect HFBoards trade proposal of the week

User "Vitto97" is one of many idiots posters on HFBoards including Scott Gomez in a hypothetical trade these days, but his suggestion is outstanding.

So both teams need a change

would Edmonton fans consider this:

I think I know the answer haha

Gomez, Zherdev,2nd rounder

for

Horcoff, Penner

I believe its equal in contracts going back . Pretty close anyway

I don't think he gets the point of getting rid of Gomez. He definitely doesn't get that Dustin Penner(notes) stinks.

Signoff

Go Wings!

The Two-Line Pass publishes hockey awesomeness every day. Please do check it out. Or you can e-mail him here and follow him on Twitter if you so desire.

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