November 14, 2010
Patrick Kane(notes) and Jonathan Toews(notes) of the Chicago Blackhawks are in a new commercial for the Dell Streak, a smart-phone "tablet" that's clearly being pitched to the young, the single and the horny.
This online spot with Kane and Toews appeared on YouTube recently, and it's presented almost like a nature special: Two players are on the prowl, while a narrator describes the action.
The acting is, we think, intentionally terrible, although it's always difficult to be asked to "play yourself" on camera. Bottom line is that the performances in this clip will make you view every NHL-populated car dealership ad as an Academy Award nominated clip.
Here are Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews, lovely ladies and a smart-phone in a commercial you'll want to watch on a continuous loop. (Stick-tap to Big Apple Blackhawks for finding it.) Click the image for the video, via Tumblr and HockeyBroad.
Coming up, we break down the video's plot and explore whether or not the commercial may have accidentally given away a vital piece of personal info for one of the players.
And here ... we ... go.
Jonathan Toews is eating at a café and notices a lovely brunette at an accompanying table. Our narrator refers to him as a "Stanley Cup MVP," because of the majority of Americans have heard of the Cup but think being a "Conn Smythe winner" is an honor you receive for having a low home electricity bill.
Toews raises a creepy eyebrow and takes a photo with his Dell Streak phone of the brunette's hand, and our narrator tells us through an incredible Midwest accent that he sends the image to "Paaaa-yaht."
Patrick Kane is seated near a bar (yeah, we know) and receives Toews' message. He fires up his own Dell Streak and we see where Tazer ranks among his contacts. Which is to say he apparently has the honor of being the only male in Kane's address book.
He reaches out to Toews via video conference: "No ring? Hot. What's the play?" And we all celebrate Patrick Kane's respect for the sanctity of marriage.
Toews wants to use the pick-up line app to find the right come-on, and offers up "Are you OK, because it's a long fall from heaven?"
Kane tells him to simply introduce himself, because he's a millionaire with a lake named after him. (OK, he doesn't actually say that.) Kane then says "he'll handle it" from there, and we prepare for some Cyrano de Bergerac hijinks that never happen.
As Toews goes to close the deal, Kane suddenly develops his own plot line, charming two women in a blizzard of awkward lines and weird hockey double entendres from our narrator. Kane manages to attract the two lovely ladies by showing them highlights of Jonathan Toews. Well that speaks volumes ...
Another exchange of photos, and our two plot lines converge at the outdoor table, as our heroes hold an entirely inappropriate conversation in front of their ladyfriends. Kane: "Did you score?" Toews: "Top shelf." This is where the M. Night Shyamalan twist is revealed: Toews has been flirting with Bolivian signing sensation Pancara!
Kane is pleased with this development, and then says what we think is "Locking her in for video review." Although it could be "locker room had no one for vindaloo." It's a bit of a mumble they couldn't fix in post.
Thus ends the spot, even if we have no idea what happened to those other poor girls at the table who aren't Pancara.
Now, here's where things get a little strange. OK, stranger.
Remember that scene where Kane posts a photo on Toews' Facebook wall? The email he receives is here:
They have images from that August commercial shoot as the profile pictures, no activity since then, not many friends. Total place-holders, totally coming off like something a production assistant may have created for them.
The Dell Streak uses an Android platform, and in order to sync up different emails accounts and social media, a Gmail account is typically needed. It's possible the Gmail account was created on the spot for Toews to facilitate that. It's also possible that they actually used Jonathan Toews' email address. Which would be not good.
Another thing to consider: Toews doesn't use Facebook or Twitter, according to this Chicago Now interview. The odds he had anything to do with setting up the page are rather slim.
As 5-Hole wrote: "I hope Dell didn't actually use their real accounts. Then again, I doubt that Tazers' email address is email@example.com. But maybe it is."
So, in summary: This is the single greatest hockey commercial ever made.